Uncharted Territory

[Warrior Chicken]

Hi all,

I have found myself finally realizing that I need to express the things I've locked deep inside for many years. Who I was before I went into mental lockdown is different than who I am today, I give all the credit of closing out the world to combat experience, it was how I thought I needed to be. It was what I thought the world, my country, my friends & family expected of me as a soldier. Now I'm lost and am not too sure how to find my way back out of the woods without a light and I really don't trust many to lead me out. Which I guess is why I find myself here, if anyone understands or can explain I imagine I'll find answers I can trust here.

I chose a profession after my service that just reinforces certain things I learned to do after combat, like the hyper vigilance. But it gets in the way of a normal life. I also don't know how to explain it to someone who doesn't "get" it....nor do I want to tell them some of the things I think cuz it might scare them.

I've never asked for help, but that's what I'm doing now and that is an unsettling feeling. I'll try to get past that, whatever you share with me I'll listen without judgement.....that's one thing I'm really good at. It's the sharing I need to learn how to do.

Thanks.

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome. Hypervig is something I believe is a different animal altogether. To simply isolate this to PTSD for a combat veteran is just silly. We were trained to be on alert and vigilant if something appeared out of the ordinary or posed a potential threat. I know cops today who've never been in a situation are hypervigilant.

If you haven't thought about talking to a therapist then you may want to consider it. There isn't really much of a cure, but there are techniques to better manage the symptoms.

There's hundreds of years worth of experience here. Read on and you'll realize that you're not alone. Your thoughts and feelings are similar to many here.

Welcome.

 

[CyclePath]

I buried stuff too, largely because I was in a position of leadership and had to keep on leading unless dead. Maybe it was easier for me that way - I dunno. Worked great for me for a long time, but it turns out my inner feely thing wasn't good to go with that mentality and I have a lot of baggage stuck in short term memory that I need to now address. If I could do it over regarding asking for help from a professional I would have done it a lot sooner. Sounds like you are on the road to doing exactly that.

As far as talking/explaining to people that don't get it, I think anyone can get it, but only if we are able to bare our souls as we explain our issues and feelings about them. They may never feel it, but they will get it if we are willing to fully explain it. That's a new thought for me today. I am not ready or at a point where I can do that with most people. For instance I have told my wife many times of how things were bothering me, but I never articulated how those things made me feel or why or what exactly was happening to me as they bothered me. Because of that she never really understood what was going on at a personal level, but she has known for years that combat has had an impact. My therapist on the other hand is really good at getting me to tell her those things so she can understand what's going on in my head and point me in the right direction from there. It's hard to do and kind of embarassing to explain your most personal feelings, but I am learning that it is a necesssary part of healing.

Rambling....anyway, I'm new to this site and therapy myself, but hopefully there's something in my post that can help you out. I second Grizzly.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I know what you mean overseas, family, girlfriend, friends at home, were not allowed attention in order to maintain focus on the job at hand and ensure survival. It's a process of opening up again, that will bring with it pain. But this pain is a good sign because you can feel. However the pain can be at times unbearable. Which is were we turn to anything to help. I.E medications, medical marijuana, or the wrong choices like booze and heavy drugs. Even medications are dangerous in their own respect. I have a bad habit of waiting until its near the worst point before I zoomed through the VA and ended up in the Emergency room waiting for a doc on call to come in an prescribe me something because I didn't know if I would make it another 3 days with out throwing in the towel.

But it takes baby steps an set backs along the way to get to the point where you can open up to family.
You have to have the mentality of, "f*ck what they think." in regards to any public judgement passed onto you.
But when you are talking to those who want to understand or help you, it's uncomfortable to express yourself.
I wanted to humble myself from the aggressive mentality I had towards others. You don't wanna go in there
and puff your chest you know? Although I know I went in sitting there with arms crossed but eventually said, "f*ck it."
And opened up to what I was experiencing the best I could. Because I knew I needed help.

You know why and what you went through. Finding a good therapist who is willing to listen to you is a
great start. Unfortunately this means you will have to navigate the pill pusher psychiatry mine field.
As well as some therapists will talk with you briefly then offer you group programs and what not with other vets in a room or
on skype. All you have to do is take the step to get in there, and all kinds of programs will be offered to you.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks For sharing insight and wisdom with me. I don't know precisely where to start, what to do on bad days, how to unlock that "box". And that last one scares me because I'm afraid that when I open it I won't be able to put a lid back on. The thing has been sealed up tight and I've adapted to that way of being, but I'm starting to do "unhealthy" things. I still have a great job, a good life, but I'm finding myself lost in the dark more and more. I'm gonna read and listen to what others say in here, cuz I have no f$@#ing clue.

 

[nomedic1]

Start from the beginning every story counts, good, bad, horrific.We don't just read the last chapter of a book we need to accept everything we have done the good and the bad. We need to forgive ourselves the things we can, accept those we can't and learn from the good things we have done. Sounds too much like a greeting card. Anyway good luck

 

[Iceman]

I don't know precisely where to start, what to do on bad days, how to unlock that "box". And that last one scares me because I'm afraid that when I open it I won't be able to put a lid back on.

The first step is recognizing that there is an issue, or a potential for an issue. You passed that step, by joining us here. You should now also seek help elsewhere. Contacting the VA is a good start, as well as looking into some therapy. you might need to bounce around a few therapists until one you are comfortable with. I got lucky and found 1 first try.

After i released myself, i started a family and got a good job. My wife was civilian, with absolutely no prior experience of anything military, I spent 20+ years slowly withdrawing from the world, and not even realizing it. I completely avoided anything, anyone, anywhere military related

The whole time however, i kept the beast locked up, and my "box" kept filling up, more and more, until after 20+ years of ignoring and hiding the issues, my world finally came crashing down.

I almost lost everything, but by a thread, i managed to hold onto both my family an job. The only reason that thread did not break, was that i managed to tell myself that i possibly had an issue (something my wife had been increasing saying for the previous year), and i sought out a psychologist. it also helped that she gave me an ultimatum, seek help or seek a new family.

It was after a couple of sessions that my therapist realized what source the issues were. After that, i contacted the VA and they started paying for my therapy. I joined this site a few months later.

Keeping everything in a box is great, until it overflows. You need assistance with making room in the box, and being able to peek in.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I'm thankful to have found this site, I'm thankful for your posts, and I'm thankful to be home from a less than desirable geographic area today. This time I am going to have more trouble getting back to normal, I know that much....and you're completely right: (Sorry, can't figure out how to quote)
"keeping everything in a box is great, until it overflows."

I should have said at the beginning that I've taken the first steps, reached out to VA (Cdn), gone to a few therapist appointments, but I'm not allowing her to lead me out of the dark cuz I don't trust she understands....I know that's something I'll have to get over. I also often feel like I must be over-reacting, I tell myself to get a grip, that the guy doing construction in the hotel room next door is not a threat nor are any number of mundane daily events that cause me to immediately transition to disaster mitigation mode. It's unsettling because for a number of reasons which I'm sure you all get, I need to stay calm as a cucumber on the outside but I'm freaking out on the inside. Kind of like a duck in the water, smooth gliding above water but paddling like mad underneath.
It's helpful to just be able to write this stuff out finally and know that someone understands.

 

[Iceman]

Warrior, if you are Canadian, there are additional resources from VA that you can access.
All you need to do is ask and you can get an immediate referral to an OSI clinic. there is also a 24 hour emergency number you can call. it is on the VA site.

If you don't trust your current therapist, or think you can mesh thoroughly, find another. you need to be able to trust your therapist, before you can open up.

You might also see if your current therapist does EMDR. it is worth looking into, and it keeps me stable

My therapist has zero experience military-wise, but i trust her with my brain.

I personally have never gone to an OSI clinic, as i started seeing my therapist before contacting VA.
I developed a relationship with my therapist and have continued with her. Just the thought of going to an OSI clinic and talking to someone else sends me up the wall.

Once you receive a favorable assessment from VA, they will cover outside therapists 100% without any issues.

 

[vikingr24]

C'mon, you are no Warrior Chicken. You are still a warrior and still brave. It's just you have no weapon to kill the enemy, assuming you know who the enemy is. The weapons you use are understanding and awareness. You have the right instincts in coming here. And everything said before me is really worthwhile reading and thinking on. These guys have a lot of wisdom born from their own pain. I have relied on them many times.

Stick with us. We won't give you the point. Yet. LOL

 

[BaMuoiBa]

WC, you hang tough brother. We have your back so look around the forum lots of good stuff to read.

Ba

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks Viking…..to follow me right now would lead us all astray and likely into the bottom of a pit filled with tar and venomous snakes.