Relationship Bf has ptsd, i need advice about avoidance

[lonelyheart83]

so i've been dating my bf for a few months now and he has PTSD. he told me right when we met, but i didn't know much about it and had never had any experiences with ptsd before. he was very affectionate and sweet towards me in the beginning but he would randomly go "ghost" from time to time. in the past, when guys did that to me...it meant one thing...they were out cheating. so i started thinking that's what my bf was doing too. well it turns out, he was using drugs. his friend told me everything out of concern for him. i was shocked. but it made the pieces fall into place. i asked him if he was using drugs and he flatout denied it. he was using heroin. he ended up overdosing on it. after that he came clean to an extent and said he would never use it again. but he basically switched drugs. he started abusing another narcotic. i worried for him day and night. i was constantly scared he would die. he finally agreed to go to a facility for vets that could help with the ptsd and also help with the drug use. he is living there now. he has been doing good so far. he hasn't been using drugs.

i have read several things about avoidance. he definitely avoids me. but in the past i believe he avoided me because he was high and he was afraid i would find out. he went to great lengths to hide his drug addiction from me. he still hasn't come fully clean to me about the drug use so i feel like i can't trust him.

i noticed a few days ago he was acting distant towards me. we weren't talking as much. it was my birthday and i thought he would be up my butt because it was my birthday but he didn't even have any reaction about it. he wasn't all excited or anything. it made me feel bummed. and ever since then, he has been distant. it's like my birthday set him off for some reason. i dont know. it's the first birthday with him, so i don't know if it is a weird trigger or something for him. but he hasn't been the same since. and today he has been avoiding me. i have messaged him and he wasn't reading my messages, but was active on messenger. so who was he talking to?? in the past, it was dealers. he called me tonight but he sounded weird and out of sorts. he sounded really hyper and running on adrenaline. i don't know if it's just adrenaline or if it's something else. but i know he is avoiding me. it makes me think back to when he was on drugs before, avoiding me, acting different. i know he gets drug tested, so if he is using...it'll come out soon enough. but he's avoiding me so bad and i dont understand why. it hurts my feelings so bad because i truly love him and the distance makes me feel like he doesn't love me or he is going to leave me. i've stuck by him through addiction, overdose, treatment, so it hurts to feel blown off like i'm nobody.

my issue is....i don't know if it is ptsd that's making him avoid me or if he's just over me or talking to someone else or using again or thinking about using again. i just don't know. but it hurts to just have silence. i want us to work out, but sometimes it feels like i'm the only one trying. he gets to avoid me, get high, do whatever he wants....and i'm home worrying and losing sleep. it isn't fair. but i don't want to walk away. i want him to go back to how he used to be. i just feel really lonely and ignored right now...and it's so crushing to me. i wonder if this is typical behavior with ptsd and how people get through it. also, if there are any ptsd sufferer's here, could you explain why you feel the need to avoid. how come he can talk to certain people during this time, but not me??? i'm lost and hurt.

 

[Fadeaway]

He isn't going to go back to the way he used to be. People never do. You can't stand by the side of a drug addict. They will tell you what you want to hear, but unless they are putting in the effort such as going to rehab, of their own free will and not because someone asked them too, there is nothing you can do to help him. Not a single thing. Enabling, him will only make him worse.

For the record, there is a million and one ways to cheat a drug test, especially a urine test, so unless he is getting follicle testing done, which is expensive, he probably knows how to pass it. Also, aside from weed, most drugs are out of your system in 3 days.

If drugs weren't involved, I would be giving you different advice, but because he has a history of past use, and may or may not be using currently, I am going to advise that you not waste any more time and energy on him until he has been clean for a minimum of one year.

 

[New]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Just want you to know it isn't your fault and your support means so much to him even if he doesn't say it. I feel compelled to respond to you because I had a terrible trigger today that caused me to have a bad panic attack. Usually when I do this I isolate and hide from everyone feeling embarrassed and ashamed. My husband usually not knowing what to do leaves me alone and lets me hide in the closet. He didn't do that today and just held me and helped me calm down by breathing with him. He also asked me why I pushed him away and I told him about the shame and embarrassed. He then told me he hurt when I did that and by him being with me through it helped him too. It was a wonderful feeling. We have been together for many years and my nasty ugly PTSD roared its ugly head almost 2 years ago. I say that to let you know it takes time. I do really hope he isn't turning to drugs and can learn to come to you for support rather than drugs. I thought for the longest time and still do at times that no one understands because they haven't had to go through what I have so I'm always worrying they just think I'm crazy and don't want to see my bad days. I'm sure you have already told him this. But if not you may want to try. I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out to us in here.

 

[New]

If drugs weren't involved, I would be giving you different advice, but because he has a history of past use, and may or may not be using currently, I am going to advise that you not waste any more time and energy on him until he has been clean for a minimum of on

Well I didn't think about this. I don't have drug abuse so maybe my advice wasn't very good. I know Fadeaway knows what she is talking about and is right about enabling. So sorry you are going through this.

 

[lonelyheart83]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Just want you to know it isn't your fault and your s...

thanks for responding. i know he has been depressed lately and thinking about his mom who passed away almost 3 years ago. he says i remind him of her. so i dont know if that could be some of the reason he avoids me too. i wish he would just tell me that he will need a few days to feel better so at least i know what is going on. to be told that he'll call me back in a few minutes...then i don't hear from him for days on end...sucks. i would rather he tell me that he needs space. im glad you and your husband were able to gt through that together. i wish mine would let me be there for him too :(

 

[New]

thanks for responding. i know he has been depressed lately and thinking about his mom who passed...

Me too but like I said today was the first time I didn't push him away and it has been going on for 2 years. However, I've never left for days or even a day without contacting him. And especially not on his birthday. That would concern me so I truly hope he isn't using. Hugs to you if that's okay.

 

[lonelyheart83]

He isn't going to go back to the way he used to be. People never do. You can't stand by the side of a...

thanks for responding. he entered treatment on his own. i didn't force him. i broke up with him when i found out he was using. he called the facility and made the arrangements himself. so i got back with him. he also has decided on his own to enter into ptsd treatment as well. so i know he's trying to be better. i also don't enable his addictions, as far giving him money or a place to live or anything like that.

i do worry that he will relapse because addiction is SO strong!! even without ptsd, people fall into addiction. but like 65% or more of combat vets with ptsd are likely to develop an addiction to drugs or alcohol. so it's not shocking that he has as well. he did 4 tours in iraq and was injured greatly. he is a WONDERFUL man with so many good qualities, i wish he could see that!! but he always asks me why i love him and says he's not a good person and stuff. it breaks my heart. he tells me all the time that he loves me so much. he's never abused me or cheated on me. but it killed me when i saw him waste away from drugs before treatment and i'm afraid he will go down that road again.

he has to take a drug test every 2 weeks at his ptsd treatment facility and once a week at rehab. he was using meth, crack and heroin. so i don't know how long those stay in your system. but i feel like he will get caught eventually if he's using. it just sucks so bad. i really want us to make it. but when he pushes me away, it scares me that he's either using or something. i wish he'd let me in

 

[New]

thanks for responding. he entered treatment on his own. i didn't force him. i broke up with him w...

My heart goes out to both of you. PTSD stinks period and makes you feel like you have lost your old self. You really have and he has to learn to love his new self before he will allow you to love him. I'm still working on this and today was the biggest step forward. You are an awesome person to stay and care so much. I hope he realizes it before it's too late.

 

[Linzee]

Hi, I haven't posted in a long time and sometimes just come for quiet contemplation, education or reassurance. But your post is so identical to my situation I just wanted to let you know there's someone else out there who's going through the exact same thing.

My guy friend has been really struggling recently and disclosed to me that he is regularly taking cocaine to cope. I could tell how ashamed and embarrassed he was, he couldn't even look at me. I think he found it easier to tell me about his PTSD than this. I didn't judge him or recoil in disgust but I didn't pat him on the back either. I want him to know I support him but not his drug abuse and won't condone or enable it.

This month marks a milestone birthday for him I'm sure he once thought he would never live to see. He has been avoiding me the last 2 months (we are 2 years in). Last thing he told me when we were together was that he has to sort himself out and protect those closest to him. He mentioned his family and squeezed my hand and told me that included me too. Then he took a cab in the early hours of morning and I haven't seen him since.

I don't bug him with any communication. I know he's "dealing" and needs space to "sort out his shit" (as he puts it). Just this week the old me has re-surfaced again and I'm laughing a lot more and planning activities for summer instead of using wine as a crutch for my own co-dependency.

Sounds weird but I feel like I can breathe again. I am hanging out with friends, eating healthier and drinking is back to its minimum for socialising. I reached out to him a few weeks ago to remind him I understand, its okay, I'm here when he's ready. I'm confident he knows I'll never turn my back in him. There is real love and a connection but I have no expectation if where things might go. I genuinely try to live in the moment and be happy when PTSD loosens its grip enough for us to enjoy whatever time we get with each other.

Sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted to show some understanding and support of your situation as I know how tough it us. It nearly broke me and I really had to dig deep to pull myself back out and get a grip.

I hope my guy friend is seeking the help he needs, he's tried therapy but never seen it through. So you should be super proud of your guy for his efforts to help himself. All we can do is back off, support from a distance, stay true to yourself and look after yourself. I truly wish you all the best and totally get how you feel.

 

[Justmehere]

he still hasn't come fully clean to me about the drug use so i feel like i can't trust him.

Why do you believe he hasn't come clean?

When I was in intensive PTSD treatment, without an addiction, I avoided people from time to time, simply because it was just too hard to maintain close relationships and walk through the heartache that is trauma therapy. Working through recovery from an addiction is even harder. That being said, only he can say why he is not responding to you, and when you do connect again, I'd ask him.

Addiction involves a lot more than just drug use. There are a whole set of behaviors that come with addiction. Getting clean is just one part of the work. Learning to live life sober in a healthy way is a big challenge. It's really awesome he went into treatment for himself willingly.

I hope you continue to work on having rock solid boundaries, and connecting to other supports and help as you figure out what you should do in this relationship.

 

[dulcia]

I didn't read the whole thing closely, nor did I really read the other response -- sorry about that. I don't know if worrying about what does or doesn't fit the criteria for being labeled "avoidance" is really important here. I was with a guy for many many years that progressed from taking pills for fun recreationally, to taking pills consistently, to injecting heroin. Just thinking about it and typing this out has put a disgusted frown on my face. Drugs f*cking suck, heroin especially. And heroin/benzo withdrawals? Killer. PTSD on top of all of that? I cannot freaking imagine the type of behavior cocktail that has to come along with all that, as @Justmehere said. And because it's such a complicated situation, I don't think I would recommend worrying about bigger picture things like avoidance or really his behavior at all. I think you should devote a chunk of time deciding what you will and won't put up with -- I mean, as black and white as possible -- in a relationship and take it one day at a time from there.

For example: If you use heroin again, I will end the relationship. (This may be a little extreme if he is a newly recovering addict, as the recovery process is not generally a one and done type of thing, but it's just an example. That's something for you to decide. Ultimately, you have to decide what you are and aren't okay with, because you can't control his behavior, only your reaction to his behaviors.) Personally? PTSD + heroin addict and only a few months in? I would have already gotten out of there. Especially with what I now know about heroin addicts. And I don't know if his PTSD is combat related or not, but you mentioned the VA and him being a vet. Just know that adding combat-related PTSD, or even just being a vet in general, can throw it's own set of factors into the mix.

I wish you the best of luck, @lonelyheart83.

 

[LuckiLee]

He has alot going on right now. Let him deal with his therapy. It sounds like a relationship is too much for him right now. And I can't blame him. Therapy is extremely difficult and to add drug addiction into the mix. Yikes!

Leave him be for now. Let him sort himself out. He may or may not come back so continue doing you. Friends, family, work, play. And educate yourself about PTSD!!!

Good luck! And read around the supporters forum. Lots of information there for you.