Can barely speak

[mylunareclipse]

Had therapy today. Last session before a two week break.
As it often happens, I could barely speak any words. In the sense that I will start saying words, but they are all jumbled. The sentences don't have a start and a finish. There's a lot of ummm and repetition. It feels like every single word is coking out from somewhere really really deep. I don't realize it but I have also been told I am very quiet.
The thing is when I am home, I am not like this at all. I have a pretty fluid speech. I express emotions while speaking etc. in therapy however, I just can't. I cannot talk. It makes me want to stop trying, as it is so painful. I just don't understand. It's like I lose my speech capabilities. I literally seperate words with huge pauses in between and don't complete most of my sentences. I have been with my therapist for two years. Any advice? Does it ever get better? I try to push myself a lot, but I just can't make any coherent sense.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Had therapy today. Last session before a two week break.
As it often happens, I could barely spe...

I don't completely relate but I do have issues with the way I communicate there. I lose focus and don't really finish thoughts lol. I guess it must all sound coherent enough, she never makes a big deal out of it. Sometimes I trip over my words. That's embarrassing. But it's therapy! It's supposed to be inelegant. Set the bar low for yourself, aim for one coherent session a week and build from there. Honestly your therapist prob understands completely but this is bothering you. Could you maybe write out how this is bothering you and your fears about it and hand it to her? That might make you feel better. And in my experience, once you talk about whatever you don't want to talk about it seems to help. Might take a few tries but it's worth the effort. You're not alone!!

Supposed to be "one coherent SENTENCE "

 

[mylunareclipse]

makes more sense with one coherent sentence thanks lol.
Thanks for your feedback. Might have to start writing things down. I have avoided this so far. Thought I was much braver, but there's so so much fear. I see the words running in my head, I just can't say them. Damn fear of being judged, of making things sound bigger than they are. And all the shame that just multiplies when I can not talk.

 

[UnicornSightings]

makes more sense with one coherent sentence thanks lol.
Thanks for your feedback. Might have to...

Omg I totally get the fear of being judged! So right with you on that. It sucks. Did you tell your t that? Mine knows everything I think about what she thinks and it's horrible and embarrassing and I hate it and it HELPS so much.
And omg, you ARE brave!!!! Are you kidding?? Who the heck would go to therapy sessions tripping over their tongue time and time again?!! You are SHOWING UP! This is the work. And unfortunately we don't have a whole lot of control over how the work actually looks. Which sucks. I would be so much more graceful in the lifetime movie. Not nearly as neurotic. Or childish. Or reactive. And my character would maintain eye contact and not play with a water bottle during session lol! Seriously. Forget how it's supposed to look. It is what it is and if you can make the best of it, real breakthroughs can happen. You ARE brave.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Forget how it's supposed to look. It is what it is and if you can make the best of it, real breakthroughs can happen. You ARE brave.

Thank you for all your kind words! I was smiling reading your post. My T says the same. She says drop the expectations, you're doing fine. I get overataken by these feelings inadaquancy, and that I am boring and bothering her and being a burden bleh.
I guess the parts that bugs me most is a) knowing in a logical way that these things aren't true,yet feeling that way and b) that I am not like this elsewhere, I wasn't like this in therapy even in the beginning. I could just talk her matter of fact.

Thanks again!

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thank you for all your kind words! I was smiling reading your post. My T says the same. She says...

Yes!! Mine thinks I think she hates me lol. And I always feel like she just doesn't want me to go back. Like she just hopes I stop showing up hahaha. She knows I think this. AND I was also different in the beginning. Way more confident and sure of why I was there. It's transference. I loathe transference. But it's part of the deal. Keep talking about it on here. It helps.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Lol thanks!

Ya I feel like when she sees my name she wants to throw up and wishes I didn't show up. Doesn't help that for the first time ever she was 20 min late yesterday due to some emergency meeting she was at. So there I am about to burst into tears for existing. All I keep thinking is if I didn't exist, I wouldn't have to burden her now with my session.

How do you deal with the fact that you know these things are probably not true but yet you feel them to be true?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Lol thanks!

Ya I feel like when she sees my name she wants to throw up and wishes I didn't show...

I deal with them very poorly lol! I quit therapy 4 times because she deserved better than me lol!!! Sounds hilarious right not. But I'm so attached I would email shortly after to want to go back. I did take a few breaks from therapy because of the attachment and wanted to give her a break. It's so in our heads. My t once didn't show up. She misread my email. I felt like "omg she was prob so happy thinking I wasn't coming back for awhile"

So I told her everything and wrote it all out and read it and signed something saying I wouldn't end therapy like that and we have a deal where, in those moments I think she's judging me I have to say something and then I'll write about it in session to work through those thoughts. I'm not looking forward to that haha! And she said if I can't tell her what I think she's thinking then to come up with a way to let her know that's what's going on. I picked the codeword seahorse lol! So I deal with it with humor, being awkward and outside of therapy I deal with it by obsessing and wishing I didn't have these thoughts and feelings. But I TRY to be kind to myself and realize it's part of the deal. A sucky part. Like the suckiest part of everything that sucks...

Oh and I've also had my email privileges revoked lol! Really it's for my benefit. I twist what she says in response and feel hurt. And now I can't quit therapy via email anymore.

In moments of clarity I remember that I'm pretty damn awesome. And there are WAY more annoying people in the world. Your therapist isn't blessed with the coolest people on the planet. Everyone she sees has issues and is annoying lol.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's best to ask, and to listen, or just choose, if communication is poor.

 

[Someday-maybe]

I'm thinking maybe you just have soooooooooooooooo much to say, all of it is clamoring to get out at once even if it doesn't quite feel like that.

I have a jumbled mind so I write everything down. I go in with copious notes with stuff highlighted all over that I have reduced to several things I want' to tell her or discuss or ask. If I didn't, it would be a huge, incoherent mess.

Doesn't work all the time but it helps. Yesterday in therapy, I couldn't have finished a sentence or an idea if my life depended on it. Even with notes, I had trouble figuring out what was important.

 

[NightSky]

Can you email? I have the same problem. I mean, I know what I want to say half the time but I'm too embarrassed to say it for fear of being dramatic, or sometimes the words just stay stuck. When that happens I leave feeling worse. I email her to tell her the things I couldn't say. Other times I email if something happens during the week. And sometimes I'll email with questions from last session or thoughts that are spinning around that I can't make sense of. Usually this happens a couple times a month. I'll sit down and write it all out in an email and then go through and make it more clear/concise, and only include the parts I feel are super important. The rest helped to get out but maybe isn't what I want to focus on. Then I belabor it for hours. And then usually hit send with trepidation. I always tell her she can print it to read in session, but she always reads them ahead of time. And some of our sessions consist of just going through the email and processing what came up. I have been able to be so much more honest with her that way. I have constantly said I'm afraid of it being a crutch but she said it's how we do things and it's ok. If email isn't an option maybe bring something written in?
It's so hard. You're doing good work.

 

[Fiadh]

I can completely relate to this issue. It's like trying to speak through a fog, and the words won't come out, long silences and it's all in your brain but how can you tell them without obviously frustrating them?! That's how I felt anyway. And unfortunately for me that's how my life is day to day due to a brain injury. They stopped my therapy because of my not being able to get across what I wanted to say very well- and at times not at all. Good old NHS!

So for you, you know that you are capable outside of the session- which is positive. But don't beat yourself up about what you can't do in session- you are there and trying your best and that's all that can be asked. There's some good ideas from others about writing stuff down.

But wanted you to know that I've felt the annoyance and frustration of just not being able to express such powerful emotions to someone- when you've wanted to the most, and not being able to ask for support when feeling at your most vulnerable. I've read up on it and the speech part of your brain does switch off during trauma the brochas area- and so trauma therapists are used to speech difficulties at times.

Hoping that things become easier for you, I'm sure they will as you work out a way of communicating together. It's not all about words