Will we ever be cured for good?

[_JustMe_]

Hello, everyone!

I've been reading your posts for a very long time now, but today is the day I decided to sign-up. Because now it's the time for me to finally share some things that I have never shared with anyone before. And I want to thank you, because though you didn't know, you have been really helpful for nearly two years now.

I promise to try and keep this post short. So here we go:

First, I have never been on therapy. But I know that I have Dissociation-Depersonalization-Derealization. The 3D! We are 3D creatures! Not at the same time and not at the same extent. But now and then I have all three of them with breaks in the between. My main problem though was DP. I hadn't realized it before. I got it in a dramatic extent, when the -I don't want to even say it- happened to me. That VERY EXACT moment. The minute he started doing -the things I don't want to talk about them- I got outside my body. I remember so well seeing myself watching the entire scene as an outsider. As a stranger to it. And the day after that. And the next. (I don't recall exactly how many times it happened, that part has been completely erased from my memory). Until he stopped because I never went back (he was my teacher).

And I get it, why the cope mechanism popped-up. I know now why my mind did that though I still can't forgive myself for not simply attacking on him back then to make him stop. (This is why I still avoid conflicts at any cost until today. That's what I learnt to do.) But I did freeze. Because moving would have been equal to happening. Not responding to it, made me think that nothing was happening! I didn't move, because my brain was desperately wanted to make me believe that this was so, so, so, SO NOT happening. There was no absolutely freaking way this was happening to me. There was no way for me admitting it was happening to me! It wasn't me, it was some other girl in my place, and I was just standing somewhere watching them! Or I was dreaming. Or -better- both! And I really believed that, until I stopped thinking about it altogether (thank weed). Because, yes, drugs, a lot of wine and depression are the words that describe best the years that followed. And you can imagine the rest: always dissociate from people, memories, feelings, relationships, goals, me; always thinking that reality could be something else. Always the lies I had to say, lies that were the only truth and connection of mine to the outside world, always seeing myself watching my life as if I was in a dream. (And I am not talking about the Poe-way being inside a dream.) Always the anxiety. And everything stemmed from DP. DP can be so tricky, I wish I had the proper words to describe it.... that feeling... as if you can actually feel the texture of your environment and at the same time you not being part of it. I hadn't realized that I had DP until very recently. It came as a huge revelation. But it all made sense. The symptoms, the reason I did it. Finally it all made sense. I even had a name for my condition. I thought I had depression due to my SI, but depression was more like a symptom of DP and DR.

I am much better now though. Really. I think I have more of DS rather than DP. But here is the thing. Last night I took the Steinberg Depersonalization Test.

And I scored 57. Severe Depersonalization.

And then, all of a sudden, I remembered something I had completely forgotten about. I remembered strolling with my parents when I was 5 (or 6) and feeling that I was being watched. I remember feeling all the out-of-the-body things I was feeling when the trauma happened! No trauma occurred back then. Okay, I wasn't exactly the definition of a happy child, and perhaps I wasn't being loved the way my heart desired, but no particular event happened. My environment was just being stressful not just at home, but at school as well. So, I am thinking that maybe DP is happening because it is part of our brain, something like our DNA. Maybe it's something we can't get rid of… Besides, they still haven't found a treatment, right?

I mean, I had depersonalization MANY YEARS BEFORE the traumatic event happened to me. How possible is to stop having it after that?

There are, however, ways to deal with it. The secret is to keep your mind ALWAYS busy. Read books, poetry, articles. Analyze paintings, lyrics, political agendas, go to the movies, RUN (working-out is extremely helpful), avoid drugs, and find people you could trust. But we will never actually cease to live with that… or the fear of it, or the shadow of it. Right?

Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for being there!

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Welcome to the forum! Glad you are here :) I also suffer from disassociation- a lot milder than some people here. I don't lose time. However, my disassociation can last for a few days or longer sometimes and can feel like I am just completely disconnected emotionally from my trauma. It will also feel like I am going through life as if I was in a dream. I float through life sometimes going through the motions rather robotically without being able to be emotionally attached to anyone/anything. Sometimes, it is hard for me to feel emotion in this state and I only get the slightest taste of them even though I so desperately want to feel. There is a way to eventually break through disassociation. My T stated that it is completely unrealistic to expect me to never disassociate again but, the goal is to be present more often than I'm not. Sometimes in different situations my T will tell me to use disassociation because, it is a survival mechanism and sometimes we really need to check out to survive current environment. Anyways, I would say it has gotten better since I started T. A good T can help you start disassociating/checking out less. Disassociation isn't "bad" if used as a survival mechanism but, when it starts taking over your life and lasts for days at a time or you start using it for situations such as mild conflict like I do then a good T is very helpful.

 

[_JustMe_]

My T stated that it is completely unrealistic to expect me to never disassociate again but

:/ yeah, it might not be possible for it to go completely away. We will just have to carry it with us, and, perhaps to get the most out of it as we do.

my T will tell me to use disassociation because, it is a survival mechanism and sometimes we really need to check out to survive current environment.

Exactly, at some point, dissociation becomes a choice. We become aware of it.

Disassociation isn't "bad" if used as a survival mechanism but, when it starts taking over your life and lasts for days at a time or you start using it for situations such as mild conflict like I do then a good T is very helpful.

And it can also become a challenge and a philosophical journey to self-awareness. I don't mind that much dissociation. It's usually the others who do since they think I am a heartless bitch. The emotional numbness you said before. But we are not heartless, we just had to numb the pain and since we didn't know how to isolate it from the body of our feelings, they all had with the consequences. We do have feelings, it was the first thing we dissociated from.

The main problem for me remains DP. That's the real tricky thing. And it messes more easily with reality.

But what do you fight the numbness?

Anyways, I would say it has gotten better since I started T. A good T can help you start disassociating/checking out less.

You are right, it could help. Though I really need to find a T that would follow a Jungian approach and that's not very common. Dealing with DP, as with all the psyche's matters, entails a lot of effort from both parts in order for them to fully grasp the concept of the self.


Thanks for your warm welcome and your kind reply, Link Removed :hug:
Wishing you all the best

____________________________

They all had with the consequences

to deal with the consequences

and my question was supposed to be "what to you do in order to fight numbness"

(sorry, it's lunch time here and I ate up a few words, can't spot the "edit" anywhere though)

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Hey :) I would have to say the first thing that really even brought me to realize that I disassociated as much as I did was when my T had me begin journaling this last Feb. Actually, due to starting this process I developed PTSD because, I had never dealt with any of my trauma. I would have to say for me the journaling has really helped break through the emotional numbness- however, I have to limit journaling or else I will swing tooooo much in other direction and my mental health will skyrocket downwards lol... Without the exposure and without writing about it I think it is really easy for me to stay in a perpetual state of numbness/disassociation, I at this point don't feel like I have much control over it. I swing back and forth between one extreme to the other. However, the period where I am feeling becomes longer and longer. The goal is to be present most of the time so, that you feel a little bit of the pain in little parts instead of swinging back and forth from feeling nothing to feeling everything at once. Hope that makes sense!

 

[New]

I wish more people knew about this. I also froze during the bad stuff. Especially the officers and staff at the hospital I went to. They all acted like it was my fault for not fighting. And is what I think caused me to isolate and not tell close family and friends for a long time.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes, I agree- I have a strong freeze response/ just using disassociation to get through so much. With my X husband I did try to say no but after learning no didn't mean anything I stopped saying no and just disassociating. Then he took my non response as "see you liked it..." Those words still ingrained in my brain..

 

[New]

argggggg!!!

 

[Teamwork]

What's the difference between did and depersonalization. I just did the quiz and scored 60 but my psychologist has only ever diagnosed dissociative disorder. Are they the same?

 

[WishfulThinking123]

What's the difference between did and depersonalization. I just did the quiz and scored 60 but my psychol...

Well I am def no expert. I do know that when people say DID they mean they have parts I believe..Like different personalities so it is more extreme than just depersonalization/disassociation,

 

[Teamwork]

Ok yes have parts.

 

[_JustMe_]

he took my non response as "see you liked it..." Those words still ingrained in my brain...

Jesus, that’s terrible.

Well, there are 3 ways to respond to stress and extreme fear: fight, flight or freeze. To be frozen is equal to be paralyzed and it sucks huge time. Think about it as if you were an animal and a predator was coming for you. You stop (freeze) because you need to evaluate the danger and make up your mind: are you going to kill your opponent (fight) or just run away (flight)? The gap between those two while you are thinking what to do is the freezing behavior. You freeze because you have to think, but you also freeze when your opponent is way too strong or when you have already decided that this is not happening to you. You are not fighting and you are not leaving either, because this has nothing to do with you, you have nothing to fight and you have nowhere to go, this is happening to someone else. And that’s how you disconnect from your body and start observing what is going on as a third outsider, a third entity. Hello, de-personalization.

I wish I had fought. Everything would have been so much different.

What's the difference between did and depersonalization.

Like different personalities so it is more extreme than just depersonalization/disassociation....

Having different personalities is a different, and by all means a more serious condition, I believe. It’s not depersonalization. Multiple PD is associated directly with psychosis; DP will not give you MPD, it’s a mild disorder.

Dissociation is the wider condition. It’s like the umbrella under which both depersonalization and derealization coexist. Dissociation entails both and both are/mean dissociation. When you have depersonalization, you dissociate. When you have derealization, you dissociate. But you don’t necessarily have derealization when you dissociate. And you can also dissociate without having depersonalization.

You can have dissociation without having DP or DR. But you can also have dissociation along with depersonalization and derealization either simultaneously or not. And for years as well.

With MPD things are different, it's still a dissociation disorder but you have a complete loss of memory. You are being psychotic. With depersonalization, on the other hand, you are just being very sad since you never really cease to remember, you only act like you have.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@_JustMe_ Thank you for explaining the above-that really makes so much more sense to me now.