Question for ptsd suffererers: sudden break up

[rickyduds]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this awful disease. 28 year old girlfriend of 6 months has PTSD from a former abusive relationship years ago. 3 weeks ago I was the "love of her life." In the last week, we fought a lot because she started a new, extremely demanding job and I had the biggest professional exam of my career. We were long distance, she had little time to chat with me. I felt like she wasn't supporting me when I needed it.

It got to the point where I needed her to say "I still love you, we're going to be okay." She refused to do it, until I pushed her very hard. She was lying to me so she didn't get depressed while studying, but really she went numb and wanted to avoid me. She broke up with me right after the exam last night.

She says that her feelings changed and she doesn't think she's going to change her mind. I can't imagine going from the "love of her life" to having no feelings so quickly. My question is: if I just give her space, is there a chance? Can any of you relate to her and share whether or not feelings came back? How long?

...She was lying to me so she didn't get depressed while studying, but really she went numb and wanted to avoid me...

I meant while I was studying, she wasn't studying.

 

[Supervixn]

Ugh this is that push and pull thing we tend to do. You're both under a lot of stress but you have better coping skills than she does having PTSD. If we feel we can't handle the stress of a relationship we feel compelled to flee.

I can't speak for her obviously, but she might just need some time to adjust to her new job and can't handle more stress...

Can you send her a heartfelt letter or text or email stating your feelings for her and that you want to continue dating if she would like to? After that I'd give her plenty of time and leave the ball in her court... let her come to you afterward. Offer your support.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[rickyduds]

Once you associate bad feelings with a guy and push him away, does that ever get reversed in time?

 

[Nyssa]

Were you long distance the whole time? Did you see each other regularly?

 

[Supervixn]

Depends where the feelings came from and if it actually relates in any way to who you are or what you do/have done.

Is she blaming you for things you don't do, accusing you of being someone you aren't, and even when you try your hardest to convince her otherwise she is fixated on her interpretation?

There's this thing called cognitive distortion that is a major part of PTSD. Idk about other people, but for me, this causes the most conflict in my relationships.

I get triggered. Everything from the past comes back and my mind will distort my present to fit those old truths of the past. I don't realize in the moment that I'm doing it. I often need help seeing the actual truth of the present. I've cast a lot of traits and intent onto innocent people who have nothing to do with my past abusers. I felt a lot of shame and guilt about it after realizing what happened, but in the moment everything feels painfully true, and I cannot be talked out of it if I'm in a hyperaroused state.

PTSD isn't something that goes away, but it can greatly improve. If you're considering reconciling with her, please be aware of that and prepared to go through a lot of pain and difficulty as she heals. I suspect this one fight would be one of very many more to come... are you strong enough to endure that?

 

[illusionist]

I've went from having zero......absolutely zero feelings for my partner to the deep love I have for him in a matter of weeks.

I shock myself at how my feelings changed. I just needed to understand that I needed my own space.

Ten years together now, and I've learned how to take time out without walking away......and he respects that.

 

[rickyduds]

Well, she said I was being controlling when I told her how it was hurting me that she couldn't say that "she loved me and we were going to be okay, this is just a fight." For me, it's just a sentence that should be easy to say, especially when it meant so much for my sanity as I'm writing this important exam. For her, it was me being controlling. At times in the relationship, she spoke about feeling "broken" and "not ready for a relationship." I think me telling her that she was failing to meet my needs, when she really felt like she was trying, validated this for her. And I know I pushed her, because I triggered a hallucination the last night we fought. I think that's when she made her decision.

Nyssa, we would see eachother 3-4 days straight every 2-3 weeks, but spoke regularly on Skype.

Illusionist, why did you have zero feelings? did you break up with him? If so, how did he respond?

 

[illusionist]

I absolutetely adored him the previous day....but because of exterior pressures, and the fact that he had something I have perceived as pressure....note the word perceive....everything on the outside ( including him ) I shut off. Yes, I left him....he returned to a note. I felt I was only safe in my own company.

His reaction?.....I'm here for you....this is your home, and always will be, door is always open. I will never forget those words...they helped me through my shame of what I'd done to him.

Much needed boundaries came later.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that you should both work on communication skills.

In that moment, she could NOT see that it was only just a fight.

I think it was too much for her to feel forced to say she loves you.

 

[Friday]

In my experience, if someone goes to the effort to be kind? AKA waiting until you had finished your exams? That's not a decision made in haste or reaction, but a thoughtful & measured one. Which means it's unlikely to change.

 

[Supervixn]

That's not a decision made in haste or reaction, but a thoughtful & measured one. Which means it's unlikely to change.

That's a good point. Still I feel it could go either way.

 

[pamela page]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this awful disease. 28 year old girlfriend of 6 months has PTSD fr...

hi my husband of 25yrs suddenly walked out 10months ago. It's hard . I have been supporting him as best I can . Taking him to therpy making sure he takes his meds. Reading up and learning as much as I can on ptsd so that I can understand what he is going through in particular the numbing of his feelings.I have constantly told him I love him and that he is not alone. Slowly slowly he has started calling in to spend time with me just having coffee or a meal. he now opens up to me . Just a few weeks ago he said he wants to get his feelings back and wants to come home. Our relationship is not as it was but its good. Don't give up hope! I would say that showing you are there for them and showing love and understanding is so important. It's not about us! It's not personal! I hope things work out. X