Trauma t is out of ideas

[DogwoodTree]

Trauma T told me he's out of ideas on what to try next to treat the trauma.

I started seeing him in May when my long-term T moved out of state. I was in the middle of a crisis with my mom, so that's been the main focus for the past few months. Then recently, I told him I didn't want to waste any more sessions dealing with my mom and would rather focus on treating the trauma so I can restore intimacy with my DH. But he said if EMDR didn't help, and based on what he's learned about me from other Ts, he doesn't know what to do next unless I want to try EMDR again.

I tried EMDR earlier this year with another trauma T, and she also concluded that none of her usual suggestions, therapies, tools, etc. would work for me because of my asperger's and the types of trauma I'm dealing with. Then I went through the transition from my long-term T to this new one, and updated him on all the things I've tried so far. We talked about what *had* worked with my long-term T, which was mostly relationship counseling and learning better how to hold good boundaries with people. And we talked about what has *not* worked and why. He said the situation "isn't hopeless" like it feels, but he doesn't know what to do next. So his recommendation is to keep working on the areas that *are* making progress (i.e., relationship counseling, boundaries, social skills, that kind of thing), and wait to see what comes up with the trauma.

Today he suggested a change in diet to help with the autistic symptoms, and something called biodynamic osteopathy to research. These were suggestions from another T...not something he knows anything about and has any track record with. It seems like I've tried so many things "just in case" it might help. I've only got so much financial resources to put into this. Stuff like this gets too expensive and just makes me feel more hopeless when it doesn't work.

I'm fighting off panic and despair. I hate this. I hate this so much. And I hate myself. I feel like such a broken piece of trash. I've worked so hard. I've poured so much money, time, energy, and hope into this. I still can barely tolerate a hug. I have huge portions of my thoughts blockaded off so I can function. My DH is starving for physical intimacy. Even with the controls I've put into place so I don't have daily flashbacks, the pressure and guilt and shame I feel for not being available to him in that way is a daily--sometimes minute-by-minute--struggle. I avoid people in general, and have pretty much dropped out of all social functions except my karate and yoga classes (which are functional, not social) plus whatever is required for work. This is not sustainable.

I think I'm at a place I don't even want to try anything anymore. I've taken that risk so many times already with so many people, and there's nothing left but shame. I want to crawl into a hole and never be seen again.

 

[anthony]

Honestly, I think therapists are just clueless at times. No initiative to explore.

What is your primary trauma that causes you nightmares, distress, panic, so forth?

 

[DogwoodTree]

What is your primary trauma that causes you nightmares, distress, panic, so forth?

My step-father convinced my mom that it was his job to teach my sisters and me how to have a sexual relationship with our future husbands. The whole household culture revolved around sex, day in and day out. He never raped me, but he did a lot of touching, talking, teasing, kissing, caressing, exposure...a lot of it out in the open within our family, so I also saw lots of things happening to my sisters and heard about more things he did with my mom in private. We were his harem. He even involved the dog. He was formerly our pastor, and most of this got mixed up in spiritual teachings. I thought I had been able to separate out the spiritual side of things for myself and sought extensive help through churches over the past couple of decades. But my mom has become a spiritual leader in that denomination, and she continues to be emotionally and spiritually manipulative and, as my T puts it, "crazy-making." So I've walked away from most of that now, too.

The flashbacks and intrusive memories and so on are from my step-father...plus 20 years of marriage where I forced myself to stay intimate even though I was struggling so deeply but didn't want my DH to know. Autistic sensory issues makes it difficult to enjoy touch anyway, but the images and sensations and emotions and everything make it tortuous.

 

[anthony]

So basically, familiar cult? That he established at home?

The good thing is that you have walked away from the toxic. Your mother chose to stay within it, and even perpetuate it, if that is what she is doing now. You got out of it, so well done.

Do you like to read?

 

[shimmerz]

familiar cult? That he established at home?

From what I have learned, cult stuff requires a certain skill set on the part of T's in order for them to help their clients. I don't think this issue with your current t has anything to do with you or a deficiency within you. Are you in a populated enough area that you can go searching for a T that has experience with your type of trauma (family cult)?

I think that you are most likely right to be doubting whether you are working with the right t.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do you like to read?

Yes, I read constantly. Any suggestions?

Are you in a populated enough area that you can go searching for a T that has experience with your type of trauma (family cult)?

I live about a half hour from a reasonably sized city...pop. less than 200K. I just found one T in that city who lists cult abuse as an area of specialty. He works for a group where I saw another T there when I was first pursuing an assessment for asperger's. She was horrific. And she still works there nearly 2 years later. I'm hesitant about going back to a place that would employ someone like that.

 

[Nessa7]

What treatment methods have you tried? There is a lot more out there about using EMDR to treat people with both autism and ptsd than other methods of trauma therapy, so I think it might be possible that he's limiting your options more than might be necessary.

 

[DogwoodTree]

What treatment methods have you tried?

I tried a lot of things through church before starting work with a professional T...I wouldn't recommend any of them for working on trauma issues. Those people didn't have a clue what they were doing, and did more harm than good.

The long-term T focused mostly on CBT and IFS. He also referred me out to trauma Ts for equine therapy and EMDR. On my own, I've studied DBT, EMDR, and mindfulness. I also use acupuncture, yoga, and martial arts self-defense training. I've looked into and decided I couldn't afford neurofeedback and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS...mostly used for depression).

I've also turned down anything that requires physical touch from the T (it was a huge deal for me to learn how to tolerate acupuncture and self-defense classes, and both are still very stressful). And I've learned I can't work with a female T. I've tried numerous times with counselors/therapists, and it never goes well.

 

[Nessa7]

Have you tried trauma-focused CBT? I dug out some reference materials about ptsd and autism spectrum disorders (there isn't much), and that is what I was finding before EMDR became popular. Some case studies have found success in using EMDR with people with autism that are nonverbal, so that seems to be where most of the attention has been going for the last few years.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Have you tried trauma-focused CBT?

Isn't that designed for children and adolescents, in conjunction with their parents? I'm in my 40s. And neither of my parents is safe enough to be involved in my therapy at any level.

I might just need to go back and try emdr again with the current T. Maybe it will be a different experience with a different T. EMDR feels like a really disconnected experience, like I can't even talk about the things that I need to discuss if I spend the whole session in my own head. So then when I leave the session, I don't even have some new ideas and perspectives to think over. I'm just left with the emotional fallout.

 

[Nessa7]

Isn't that designed for children and adolescents, in conjunction with their parents? I'm in my 40s. And neither of my parents is safe enough to be involved in my therapy at any level.

No. It was originally developed for children, but it can be used to treat adults with PTSD that were victims of abuse. I thought it was weird, too. I don't know why therapists can't all get together and agree on a different name when they modify it for adults, but they haven't.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im a cult survivor. It can seem hopeless much of the time but it isn't. It took A LONG time in therapy to begin with. I don't have any sort of "special" therapist. He's an LMHC in a psychtratric group, but his experience is what sets him apart. He has some experience with cult survivors. What sets him apart was the willingness to dig in, hang on, for however long that takes. Its been 8 yrs and 4 months so far and still going weekly. I think what sets cult survivors apart is the brainwashed part as it takes an insanely huge amount of time to break through that but you work the pieces as you normally would otherwise in trauma therapy. Yeah, my therapist got a bit creative with how he got me through that part but he still did. I think the biggest thing was his willingness to hang on no matter which way I went and his abilty to oddly turn me being rageful at him into a therapy session and a learning/growing oppurntunity. But, he isn't in some sort of speciality. We just started to take it apart piece by piece, work through them piece by piece, and put me back together piece by piece. We sort of had to hit the belief system straight on and it was me fighting with me in my head for a LONG TIME but, I got through it and am now here today with a simple trauma therapist.

If you go looking for a new therapist, I'd maybe ask around (or maybe your current therapist may know someone) with cult survivor (or something close to it) experience because there is nothing that I have seen that is like the hold that belief system has on you afterwards. Other then that though, its just normal trauma therapy for the most part.