Question for ptsd suffererers: sudden break up

[rickyduds]

Follow up: she hasn't come around. I messaged her after a week, offering support, no answer. I followed up saying I wanted a closure talk if she's still 100% sure it's over because it will help me move on. She refuses to oblige me. It really hurts that she would care so little about me to not even grant me this.. it's getting hard to be so empathetic, I really can't decide if it's the PTSD or she's just extremely selfish. Anybody have thoughts on this?

 

[Friday]

?.. I followed up saying I wanted a closure talk if she's still 100% sure it's over because it will help me move on. She refuses to oblige me. It really hurts that she would care so little about me to not even grant me this.. it's getting hard to be so empathetic, I really can't decide if it's the PTSD or she's just extremely selfish. Anybody have thoughts on this?

Help yourself move on, by making closure something that you do yourself, rather than depending on others for.

- If you're broken up, it doesn't matter whether it's PTSD or she's selfish, as you're broken up.

- If she wants you back at some point, do you really want to date someone whom you believe to be selfish & behaves as she does? Maybe. But I suspect not.

In my experience it really doesn't matter WHAT a behavior is. What you see as extremely selfish, I see as honest and kind. Same behavior. But you & I have different needs/wants in a relationship, and different preferences/opinions. Get 10 people together and there will be 10 different opinions as to what a behavior is, and how people feel about it. Lining up those preferences & beliefs & opinions is a huge piece of what dating IS. You think she's selfish, she thinks you're controlling. That's generally not a good match. Put you both with different people and what she thinks is controlling, someone else will find thoughtful & forthcoming, and what you see as selfish someone else will see as confident & independent.

 

[rickyduds]

Friday, thank you for that beautiful bit. I already know that this isn't a relationship I truly want, I'm just hurt, and want to know this meant something to her.

I see giving someone closure as a common courtesy - she broke my heart, she should care enough to grant me this. I'm curious how that's "confident and independent?"

I still can't get my head around her calling me the love of her life, then breaking it off after two fights stemming from the "selfish vs controlling" thing you're talking about. I would rest easier if I knew that this coldness is due to her PTSD, is that possible? How else can she just have no feelings at all if I know she loved me 3 weeks ago?

 

[EveHarrington]

If she's numb she won't care.

Period.

Throw away all pre-conceived notions and simply accept that she is dealing with numbness and hadn't yet learned how to pull herself out of it.

It's not about selfishness. It's the most wicked of symptoms and if you haven't experienced it firsthand, you cannot and will not ever understand. It's best to simply accept this as the monster that stole your girlfriend and move on.

 

[EveHarrington]

Friday, thank you for that beautiful bit. I already know that this isn't a relationship I truly want,...

Common courtesy?

She is NUMB and can't care.

(Can't with a capital C, capital A, capital N, capital T.)

Throw away pre-conceived notions. (This is your hang up and downfall IMHO.)

 

[rickyduds]

Common courtesy?

She is NUMB and can't care.

(Can't with a capital C, capital A, capital N, ca...

But I don't understand what that means. Is she numb from me or everyone? How long does it last? The episodes I witnessed with her didn't make her numb to me. It was when she perceived something I did, like asking to spend more time together and getting upset when she scheduled something right after, as controlling that she'd act like this. I can't tell if her pushing me away because of this "controlling" issue is PTSD or just her personality?

 

[EveHarrington]

Just because someone is numb doesn't mean they can't be hella-nasty.

She somehow sees you as STRESS and her system has shut down.

I honestly can't explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it.

I think it may be just to accept this is likely what's going on and move forward.

How long can it last?

Indefinitely.

 

[Sighs]

My two cents worth - I do not have PTSD. (I'm here as a supporter.) But when I am done with a relationship, whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship I do not maintain any kind of contact and I don't meet up or have a conversation to give the other person "closure". What could we possibly have to talk about? It didn't work and its over. Nothing left to say. Up to each person to deal with the fact that its over as they choose. Why would we want to go over and over it? Its done. No longer matters why.

 

[rickyduds]

Hi Sighs,
I disagree. Whenever I've broken up with someone, I've always granted a follow-up closure talk, because I still care about the person. The dumper has the luxury of knowing it's going to happen beforehand - they've already processed everything and made a decision. The dumpee has no idea it's coming, and so it's natural they're going to have things to say and ask after a few days thinking about it. Getting closure is the most important part of moving on, you come to an understanding of why it ended, what your role in it was, you learn from it, and move on. Denying someone that and prolonging their recovery is selfish, inconsiderate, and extremely disrespectful, especially if you loved them at one point.

I understand there's a difference in my case because of PTSD, so I can't be upset with her. But if I knew that wasn't an issue, I would seriously question the lens I saw her in our entire relationship, because the girl I knew wasn't this cold.

 

[Sideways]

You seem to be using her ptsd as a reason to convince yourself that she doesn't really mean it.

Even though she has ptsd? She's still allowed to decide, "No, I don't want to see him any more". You need to respect that. That's what she's decided. You putting everything down to her ptsd? Disempowers her. More importantly, it seems to be a reason for you to avoid the fact that it's over.

Maybe you 'grant' people a closure meet up. Good for you. But not everyone does that, and she doesn't. That's not about her ptsd either, it's just something she said No to.

You seem to want to know how much of this is because of her ptsd, because that will determine whether or not you resent her. I get that. But no one (like, not one single person on the planet) can give you an answer to that. The longer you keep turning that question round in your head, the more distressing it's gonna get for you, and the longdr you'll put off recovering from the fact that it's over.

As someone with ptsd? I resent people assuming that it's my ptsd making decisions for me. No, my decisions are mine. And the real cracker? It's entirely possible for a person to have ptsd and be a cold hearted b!tch on top of that.

 

[Sighs]

You're entitled to disagree but she is entitled to agree with me and refuse to "grant" a follow up discussion.

In my case the dumpee always knew it was coming because I had spent literally years (in 3 cases and months in a couple more) trying to resolve differences and alter behaviours. So by the time I said - I'm done - they could hardly be surprised and there was nothing more to say. I say it all when I'm in the relationship. Once the relationship is over I see no need to say it again.

(But then again my ex-father-in-law always said no-one would die wondering what I thought of them... )

 

[rickyduds]

I'm lost. She still hasn't answered my closure email, which basically was an apology for pushing her and saying I understand why she acted he way she did. Two days later I sent her a final video based on people who have had partners with PTSD, just to say "I understand, I still love you and the door is open." She still hasn't read the message (it would show on WhatsApp). It's possible she just deleted it.

It's so frustrating not knowing what happened.. and whether or not I should hold out hope that in a month she'll reach out. I've gotten conflicting answers on this forum. I hate the man who did this to her. She said I was the love of her life two weeks prior.

I'm considering reaching out to her friend to ask if she intends to get back to me so I'm not waiting, because I don't want to harass her. I'm obviously not sure I'm thinking straight- thoughts?

I don't know what I need right now, maybe just a hug.