Relationship Military boyfiend has ptsd and i dont know how to react

[Cath]

Its been only 2 months so far since we are dating but we have decided to be in a relationship 2-3 weeks later since the first date. The beginning was great. He was great, nice and kind to me when we have started to date.

He is in a military and he has been in iraq and afganistan. He's been through all the tough matters like as others have. He has opened up to me all of sudden about his experiences not only from childhood but also from war. He told me he's got PTSD and he is in medication as well. I didnt really know about PTSD well but recently i figured his reaction towards my text or me has been very extreme.

When he is in a good mood, he often call or even video call me to talk about things, how much he likes me and other stuff he wanna share with me. However, in general he hasnt asked my day, good morning/ night - even when i say good night to him, he says thank you instead of saying same thing back to me. When we are out in crowd, he became anxious and he was so nervous (but i understood it as one of the symptoms from PTSD as he explained), but he has started to say negative things about other people how they dress or how they look ridiculous. And also he kept giving attention to other girls like what they are reading at the cafe, guessing how old another girl would be, and saying he hates girls are smoking and etc.

I just couldnt believe what he has been doing while we are out on a date. I didnt say a word for those matter when we were out but he captured i wasnt happy. He asked me why but i didnt answer him and tell him whats on my mind. He asked another thing, i wasnt still happy so i did not answer him. Then suddenly he started to yell at me if i do not respect him, he will just pay the food and leave. It was almost threating to me. I was so shocked since no one yelled at me in public like that before and even threatened me. His emotion was like just roller coaster in a very short time.

Then since that day, i have been thinking about if i feel loved enough to date this guy, if this guy is serious about us as he said he loves me recently but his action isnt eough to show it. I did not bring it up until today since i know he has been busy at military work but when he was asking things today, i told him how i felt on the date day - he wasnt focus on our date but other people/girls, and he doesnt really ask my day or how i am doing, he usually text very shortly for answers or what his status is like. It was usually all about him not me.

And his response was just making me speechless. He was very aggressive towards me and said he doesnt have to do what i want, and when i want. He said stop it right now to me instead of giving me an explain for those matters. Even threatened me like if i say one more negative thing like that, i will never hear from him again and he will just block me.

I just could not believe what he just said to me when i was saying that i wanted to get full attention on our date and i was wishing him to ask my day instead of just saying what he is doing only.

He has been very extreme to react to my words recently when i explained what is lacking or missing in our relationships. And we are in a new relationship so i think as two different individuals, we still need to discuss things and work on it to make things happen. However, his reaction has been always very aggressive and angry and he shut down and say i will talk to you later.

Is it wrong thing to ask him to give me attention when we are on a date not giving other girls his attentions when we are dating? Also he says he care about me deeply but i do not feel it at all when he doesnt even ask my day or he doesnt say good morning and good night. Only texts from him are like what he is doing, he is lack of sleep or hasnt eaten all day because of busy work very shortly. I was always asking him to care how his day has been or if he has slept well since he gets night mares from PTSD as well.

I do not know exactly if his extreme and aggressive reactions are from PTSD, and if it is so, what can i do with it? I have been searching for the reasons online to figure out why he has been acting that way to me. I thought it might be his personality but since i just found this forum and read others stories, i feel like im not the only one who has been through this kind of matters.

Please give me some advice or thoughts if you have similar experience or so.

Update: while i am writing this, he just texted me and say 'we will talk tomorrow if you wish." I just cant believe how he is treating me like this.

Thank you very much.
Sincerely, Cath

 

[Kintsugi]

As someone who has PTSD and who has dated a combat veteran who also has PTSD, I feel confident in saying that your boyfriend sounds like a total dickbag and is sending up a lot of really serious red flags. Get out and find someone who treats you like a person.

 

[Buttercup]

I like it @Simply Simon ! :D

I met a friend a few months ago (just a friend and not a bf) who has PTSD and who behaves just like what you describe. He will go off the deep end over the tiniest thing and tell me I need to respect him and not give him any crap. And we are just friends! And have only recently met! And he also is only interested in what I can bring or do for him.

I do get that lack of sleep and nightmares can make any of us feel aggravated and act like an ass, but this behavior is over the top and goes beyond PTSD. Your guy definitely has other issues, or is not managing the PTSD well, and he is not going to change. At least not anytime soon.

You are very upset about his aggressive behavior and thats understandable. You should be. I think leaving in this early stage will save you a ton of pain and upset and even fear. You deserve a lot better and I think you know this too.

Good luck!

 

[WTF Happened]

Get out and find someone who treats you like a person.

I think this can be very confusing for supporters/others trying to understand PTSD. I'm not saying this is the case here, but as non-sufferers we read so much about how when a sufferer is symptomatic that all of their emotional resources are taken up trying to save their own life that other people, particularly loved ones, can cease to be visible. That they don't treat loved ones like they are a person because they are not capable of it - they don't see a person, they don't see anyone, all they see and feel is their pain. Nobody else exists.

Again, not saying that's the case here, and I definitely understand there is a difference between struggling with PTSD and being a crappy person, but it can be confusing to read conflicting messages on here. I notice a trend that when a supporter complains about not being treated like a person, sufferers on here tend to post two very different responses:

1. PTSD is no excuse for treating you like shit. Get out! Get out now!

2. Lay off the guy! Do you have any idea how much pain he is in, what he's gone through, what he continues to go through? He's drowning and you want him to treat you like a person! He's not capable! Get off his back!

 

[scout86]

@WTF Happened I think you're kind of correct, but I can also see how that might seem to be more accurate than it is. There's a slight difference between behavior that is "how a person is acting" and "how a person is reacting".

In this particular case, being distracted is one thing, not paying any attention to the person you're with is another. Apparently not realizing you SHOULD pay attention to the person you're with? Might be a deal breaker. Because that's not PTSD, it's being a jerk.

There are situations where having a short fuse might be PTSD. What I think really matters for a relationship is where that goes and what happens next. Does the person realize there's a problem and its THEIR problem? Are they working on it? If they don't realize there's a problem, there's REALLY a problem. If they aren't willing to own their own issues, and work on them, I don't think it bodes well for the relationship. At least not unless the person on the receiving end is interesting in being codependent.

But, there are sure a lot of gray areas and a lot of things that might work for one person might not for someone else. It's hard to be sure what the whole picture is, with the slice of information you get on a forum.


OP, There nothing wrong with the way you feel about this.

Is it wrong thing to ask him to give me attention when we are on a date not giving other girls his attentions when we are dating? Also he says he care about me deeply but i do not feel it at all when he doesnt even ask my day or he doesnt say good morning and good night.

And no, I don't think it's wrong to ask him. Have you actually said that to him? Asked him what's up? If you haven't, why haven't you? Maybe you should & see what he says.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Thise two different responses are pretty standard @WTF Happened. There are a few reasons why.

1. Everybody wants to know if it's asshole behavior or PTSD. Sometimes the answer is "assholes get PTSD too."

2. PTSD isn't an excuse for any kind of crap behavior. It may be a motivating factor, but it doesn't make it OK, and it doesn't mean you have to stay with anybody who treats you like garbage just because they have PTSD.

 

[grimalkin]

In this particular case, being distracted is one thing, not paying any attention to the person you're with is another. Apparently not realizing you SHOULD pay attention to the person you're with? Might be a deal breaker. Because that's not PTSD, it's being a jerk.

One thing that really resonated with me in my own therapy: PTSD aside, my guy hadn't had ANY examples of a good relationship in his life. His parents and step parents were abusive to each other and to him. He has no way to know what a good relationship is. Intellectually he might know, because he's read about it. But examples? He hasn't had any, and apparently isn't willing to figure out HOW to have a good relationship. THAT is a deal-breaker, ya know? He doesn't know and won't learn.

 

[Kintsugi]

Scout and Sweetpea wrote badass responses. I have only one other thing to add, and I have written this here many times.

I could love someone who was schizophrenic. And that person could burn down my house. And the reason they burned down my house is probably related to the fact that they're schizophrenic. But they still burned down my f*cking house. I could love someone who has schizophrenia, but I can also draw the line at putting up with someone who burns down houses, because although schizophrenia and arson may be interrelated in this case, I can't continue to be in a relationship with an arsonist. Even if it's "just the schizophrenia" at work. My house is still ash. I'm not down with that.

Similarly, one can love someone who has PTSD but not be willing to endure emotional abuse. Sure, the emotional abuse may be the result of the PTSD. But that doesn't mean you have to engage with that person JUST because the emotional abuse is fueled by PTSD.

I like using schizophrenia as an example because the thing about PTSD is that people feel bad for us. Because PTSD isn't something you're born with. You get PTSD from trauma. And that sucks. But it doesn't give us sufferers a get-out-of-jail-free ticket.

One more parallel in case I'm not really making sense:

I know a brother/sister duo who both have MS. The brother is an asshole. The sister is one of the coolest people I've ever met. I feel bad for both of them... but guess which one I call my friend?

 

[Friday]

It'll be a good morning once somebody dies. :shifty:

A lot of the stuff you're talking about isn't PTSD. It's just personality & preference. Also some cultural things (Like above. Don't wish an actor good luck, and don't wish a service member a good day... unless you're deliberately f*cking with them.). And maybe a few PTSD things. But mostly just sounds like you guys don't get on personality-wise.

Giving him the silent treatment when you're mad, and refusing to discuss what's wrong when something is clearly wrong... Only to bring it up later and throw it in his face / lay a guilt trip on him when there is jack all that can be done about it... Is a deal breaker for a lot of people. If something is wrong, right now? Say so. Don't disrespect me by lying about it now, and doubly don't be a whiny little bitch about it later. Be honest with me, or STFU. Conversely? Other people want the exact opposite. Shrug.

Ditto, including someone in their observations of everything that's going on (whether normal vigilance, or PTSD hypervig) is some people's idea of inclusion / paying attention to someone. Conversely That's other people's idea of being ignored & not being paid attention to.

List goes on.

Point being, it doesn't really matter if it's PTSD or not. You two want very different things involved in basic human interaction. That's okay. Also very unlikely to change.

 

[Kintsugi]

Point being, it doesn't really matter if it's PTSD or not. You two want very different things involved in basic human interaction. That's okay, and equally unlikely to change.

Like X10 button plz. :tup:

 

[Snowflakes]

Thise two different responses are pretty standard @WTF Happened. There are a few...

It took me 10 years to learn what @Sweetpea76 wroted for #2. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had known but I didn't get here to this forum until a few months ago. Cath....please take everything that has been written in your thread very seriously.

Take care of you.

 

[Cath]

Thank you all so much for the messages. It made me think of how he acted or reacted by the time as well.

1. He was at the hospital for 10 days due to lung infection few weeks ago. I went to see and check on him as a gf which were 1.5 hrs away after work for 7 days and i barely slept for those days since i had to come back to another city where i live. As for even that matter, he was angry at me from time to time. He just wanted to control everything like when i come / go and he was mad at me when i brought even some food since he didnt asked for it. It actually made me cry so much that day to see someone mad at me when i care. He didnt understand the point. He was saying do not disrespect him when he say no or something he is asking for.

Another thing i have seen at the hospital was he had night mares and he couldnt even sleep when they gave him the sleeping pills. He said it is not strong enough to compare to what he usually takes. He is in Korea for the military but he is an american so those pills were from Korean doctor and he didnt really believe Korean hospital ststems. He was keep saying negative stuff about all he has got. I thought its because he has been sick physically and he might be frustrated. But he actually became very aggressive towards me since those times.

2. The other day, he has been texting me all day from work, and i have asked him if he had meal or break from work from time to time and so on. It was good mood day for him even though he seemed exhausted from long time work in military. At the end of the day, he said he is finally done for work. And because of his urgent work for days, we delayed our date for 2 days in a row so i was excited to see him next morning as we planned to meet up. So i asked him if he has no work next morning and if he can make it this time to go on a date.

He video called me and he was mad at me all of sudden, and told me he is not happy i didnt ask how his day was, if he ate meals, and etc but i asked if he can come and see me next morning. He was mad. And he said i will stop talking to you tonight. I will talk to you later.

What i was doing to him all day on the day was 'asking him how he is doing/ if he was eating well and etc'. However, he was mad at me since i didnt ask those at the end of the day while he didnt ask how i am doing.

So, all these experiences ive been through has happened very recently. Whenever i say things to him that what i was thinking of these issues, his answer is 'im not gonna tell you what you want to hear.' Or 'i dont have to answer your question.' It makes me feel like he is a totally different person since i have started to date him.

As the matter of the fact, his mom was abused by his father by alcoholism and violence when he was kid. So he grew up by his mother and a step father who seems like a traditional man (ive heard of him only so i can not descrive about him well but seemed like he is a good man).

And he often says his psychology doctor is checking on him often and so is his commander to see if he is doing alright. And he is taking the PTSD pills and sleeping pills regulary. So i thought he is in a control by the medication. However, i still can not understand his aggressive behavior to the tiny things and also he get mad very easily.

I asked him last night if he want to break up with me, his answer was 'dont act like that way when i say i dont wanna talk you now and i will talk to you later'.

If he gets mad at me for anything little when we talk or what i dont agree with, how can i communicate with this guy? What he always say is you make me very upset so i will put my phone down now and i will talk to you later.

Im frustrated.