Question for ptsd suffererers: sudden break up

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this awful disease. 28 year old girlfriend of 6 months has PTSD fr...

I have to start by saying that I empathize with your plight. I completely understand what you're going through. I've known my partner for about seven years, only as a professional. We began dating back in December 2016 and it was the most wonderful time of my life, or at least I thought. He did tell me that he suffered with ptsd which I didn't have a full understanding of at the time; I treated him like everyone else which wasn't the right thing to do. Ptsd sufferers can't take but so much pressure and stress, they'll usually,"fight or flight," which means they'll get into sometimes violent arguments or they'll withdraw, maybe break up. My partner just broke up with me this afternoon by way of text; he said it was due to us not being compatible, which doesn't make sense because we were compatible for seven months. He just recently, within the past two weeks started acting strange by coming home later and it communicating as he used to. A month ago he thought I was the best thing in the world, now we're not compatible. Like you, I don't know exactly what to do except give space so that they can work through stress and anxiety they may be going through. I hope this helped some; my reading article after article has helped me understand just what I'm dealing with.

I'm lost. She still hasn't answered my closure email, which basically was an apology for pushing her...

Hold on! Give her time and space; if she has feelings for you, she'll definitely be back. Take your time when she returns; sometimes your silence is the best during an argument.

hi my husband of 25yrs suddenly walked out 10months ago. It's hard . I have been supporting him as...

Thank you for writing this. It helps me feel better about my walk out.

Well, she said I was being controlling when I told her how it was hurting me that she couldn't say th...

I would like help on looking for triggers and how not to cause them. Although I'm not sure if he's coming back or not, it will help me understand how to interact with him when he returns.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hold on! Give her time and space; if she has feelings for you, she'll definitely be back. Take your time w...

Hi, I'm not trying to be rude, but this is not true when dealing with PTSD (or ever, really). But in terms of PTSD, I go completely numb and have zero feelings toward my partner at times. If I didn't dig deep and tap into mental feelings (as opposed to emotional feelings), then I'd be able to walk away in a heartbeat and never feel anything for him again. It takes a lot of effort to remember how I feel about him and how he feels about me. It is only after this happens that I'm able to start letting my guard down, the numbness can lift, and the feelings return. This is NOT an easy thing to learn how to do, and I suspect that many with PTSD never even master this skill. I realize that the concept of pervasive and selective emotional numbness is an alien concept for most, but from what I gather it's not uncommon in those with PTSD.

 

[Sighs]

looking for triggers and how not to cause them

This is a dangerous path to walk down. If you think you can tapdance around all a sufferer's triggers - let me assure you that you can't and you will drive yourself mad trying. Secondly, it is taking the blame for things that are not your fault.

I'm not saying don't be mindful of your sufferer's triggers - I'm just saying be careful of taking too much on yourself. My parents have been together 52 years this year. My mother is still accidentally triggering my dad.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi, I'm not trying to be rude, but this is not true when dealing with PTSD (or ever, really). Bu...

Thank you very much for enlightening me. That's exactly what I meant; if there are feelings there and she could remember those feelings, then maybe she would return. Not to give up hope.

This is a dangerous path to walk down. If you think you can tapdance around all a sufferer's triggers -...

Thank you for enlightening me. I wish I knew when I was causing a trigger. When you know better, you do better.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you for enlightening me. I wish I knew when I was causing a trigger. When you know better, you do be...

Is he willing to own his triggers? What I mean is he able to communicate that he has been triggered and let you know that it's him and not you? I honestly think this is key in my relationship. My guy triggers me but I'm quick to let him know it's not his fault and he's not to blame. I have times that I withdraw but I resume communication and enforce the fact that it's not about him, it's not his fault that I'm triggered.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Is he willing to own his triggers? What I mean is he able to communicate that he has been trigger...

No, he doesn't mention anything about triggers, however he does mention dealing with stress and pressure. He just broke up with me this afternoon by way of text. He left home last Friday and has no plans of returning because he said that we aren't compatible, however we have been for the past seven months. I've learned to just give him space and time; maybe he'll return. I was really supportive and giving to him and I had a few flaws that he accepted and reassured me that he wouldn't be leaving as I did him, having ptsd.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, he doesn't mention anything about triggers, however he does mention dealing with stress and pressure....

Is he in treatment?

Unfortunately there's the honeymoon period where everything is peachy keen and after so many months reality sets in and the honeymoon period wanes.....and often this is when the breakup or disappearance happens. If he's not in treatment, then the roller coaster of together/apart is likely to continue.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Is he in treatment?

Unfortunately there's the honeymoon period where everything is peachy keen a...

It really doesn't matter to me anymore. He'll need to grow some as well because in top of everything else, he's a little immature.

 

[rickyduds1]

Hi, I'm not trying to be rude, but this is not true when dealing with PTSD (or ever, really). Bu...

Hi Eve,

For my situation - she's in therapy, and has been for over a year. Does that make any difference?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I just had a sudden walk out a week ago and today he broke up with me by way of text. We were together for seven months and it was going very well; he moved in a month ago and things were still pretty nice. Just recently
( without knowing ) I guess I became a trigger by putting on a little too much pressure. I would ask simple requests like, could you clean up a little, could you communicate better, could you be a little more supportive. I started noticing that he was withdrawing little by little and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Eve,

For my situation - she's in therapy, and has been for over a year. Does that make any difference?

...[/QUOTE]

It means she's getting help, but sometimes it takes a number of years before a sufferer stabilizes enough to be able to see through a relationship and work through it without walking away. I wish I could say more or give you a bit of hope, but unfortunately there are a lot of bad therapists out there who don't know what they're doing, so it's not just a matter of being in therapy, but being in the right kind of therapy.

I just had a sudden walk out a week ago and today he broke up with me by way of text. We were together for...

I think the stress cup concept would help you. Also, it sounds like those things were stressors and not triggers. It's a good idea to understand the difference between a stressor and a trigger. For me, triggers are things like sex and abandonment as I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor. Other life stuff like money management, household chores, etc are more along the lines of stressors. Both triggers and stressors can add to overall anxiety, but my reactions to each are a bit different.

Are you thinking of moving on? I'm just trying to get a better idea of where you are in this whole process. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It means she's getting help, but sometimes it takes a number of years before a suffe...

I'm thinking of not focusing on it. I have more important things to be concerned with.