Dissociation from emdr

[Deleted member 37085]

If I could go back earlier this year pre-EMDR sessions @recoveringfromptsd I would now tell my therapist to slow the EMDR process down; and to take mini and multiple breaks during EMDR sessions and to have grounded me better prior to my going home.

I also would have requested my therapist to prepare my mind and body by teaching me the variety of relaxation techniques before-hand which he did not, for the grueling yet beyond well worth the mental and emotional in and immediately post -sessions price of the 16 sessions I endured.

I now would also tell my therapist to shorten the EMDR sessions from 45-1hr per session down to only 15-20 minutes per session in front of machine which may have either prevented or lessened my brain from trying to dissociate during sessions or would have lessoned same, and would have perhaps prevented me from panicking and experiencing extreme stress during and post sessions.

And I would not have allowed therapist to keep me in front of the cascading EMDR light machine for so freaking long which ended up causing me permanent moderate heightened sensory issues (5 senses) post EMDR.

I was so beyond crazy eager to utilize EMDR modality which does not have to hurt as badly while going through same if only I'd known to require my therapist to slow way down my EMDR trauma recovery experience and process.

Had I known to do this back earlier this year, well this knowledge may have caused my EMDR experience to not have been so tumultuous and exasperating while undergoing this modality's processing rigors. I am grateful that I stayed the course and the benefits were beyond well worth the struggle, however, I could have prevented some of the mental stress and anguish - hindsight now being 20/20. Hope this helps.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

If I could go back earlier this year pre-EMDR sessions @recoveringfromptsd I woul...

@JadesJewel Yes it does help, and I have asked for pauses between every few sessions only to be told it does not work that way (I assume that's because the continuity of the desensitization is disrupted), Lucky for me that my Trauma therapy (EMDR) is free, I could not handle the lights, could not follow them without moving my head (probably because my eyes don't converge on same spot at same time). Were using the sound modality. I also could not use safe place or other imagery for grounding, always led to the past, anything that deals with time or place does. So were using paired relaxation and breathing.

I don't think there is anything I can do to improve the moments with what I am going thru. I obviously have to just get thru it, and use all the supports I can to survive this. (my friends here for instance).

I am only a few sessions in and I have been told that others had about a dozen sessions for single traumas. I worry I am in for a lot more than that, as I have a severe childhood CSA trauma, 1.5 years of all three forms of severe abuse with includes 3 ra..s , and a gang ra.., and a inebriation r.... (I am sorry I can't spell out the words without it triggering and me going into a funk).

I suspect the nature of the above which my primary T says is severe and extreme and something she has never come across until now has a lot to do with why I am struggling to stay sane with this process.

All my T's know all that I have been going thru and even the S/I, and I am being encouraged to stick with it, and turn to them to help cope when I needed it. I am having to trust them to know when to put the brakes on things before I leave the reservation mentally. I trust that if this causes a mental break they will intervene to get me the help I need be it PHP or Inpatient.

So far my emotion regulation skills and distress tolerance skills have been enough to keep me functional and safe. Despite have some s/i when I have to process these trauma's in my head in the present all the time. But the nature of my S/I most always is the thought "after what was done to me wanting to exit life" as a mental response to the trauma. It's a want not a plan or current moment desire.

 

[CaraG]

I actually stopped doing EMDR because I felt I was being re-traumatized. The body sensations are the worst. Because feeling what happened back then is horrible. So it's pretty much like going back through the abuse. I disassociated so bad during EMDR. I disassociated for a week right before my vacation. It took me seeing an ocean before I felt like me again.
I actually do somatic therapy now. Very helpful.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@CaraG what you described is exactly what I am going thru, complete with body memories, and dissociation. I am sort of stuck with EMDR for now, because without it my current status quo leaves me not wanting to live. It's the cognitive distortions that lead to me being unable to tolerate situational uncertainty (I become suicidal). The CBT part of EMDR addresses that. But the current EMDR target trauma we have identified the underly feeling/cognition that drives my situational uncertainty problems. So I have some hope, but nevertheless I am being re-traumatized and all the rest in the process. I am trying to survive it, cope with it. I am trusting all my T's to know when to intervene. Out of a week I am seeing 3 T's on 3 different days, plus my attendance in a trauma group run by one of the people from mobile crisis (they would intervene in a crisis anyway). So there are at least 4 different points in a week where my mental state can be checked.

If the EMDR fails me I am going to demand, insist on continuing the CBT part. Since that addresses what I need.

 

[CaraG]

Have you tried somatic therapy?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

somatic therapy

Yes, I have a lifetime of therapy with everything in the book almost. It's only been in the last year I got help for PTSD.

 

[CaraG]

I am glad you are getting help. I have been in and out of counseling for 17 years. I could have brought a really nice truck with what I have spent in therapy.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am glad you are getting help. I have been in and out of counseling for 17 years. I could have brought a...

I have been in and out of counselling, hospitals, php, day treatment, you name it since I was 17, less 15 years or so between May 2002 and Jan 2016 where I went off all meds, and was a somewhat functional hypomanic. (mania scares me more than anything because of the damage it brings, but I like it otherwise because I don't suffer as much from my PTSD). But it's only been a year ago when I first got the treatment I needed all along for my PTSD as well as my bi-polar. Over all the years I have been in hospitals and such over 50 times. Some of them long term (3 months or more).

I would guess with the daily cost at the time they occurred that they all would add up to a very very big number. I suspect if I had the money that was spent I could buy a mansion.

While I am getting help, I am not sure if it is going to make enough of a difference. And at my age there are not a lot of years left to spend more years getting my PTSD treated. (despite the Virginia System having knowledge of my trauma I was never provided treatment).

 

[joeylittle]

And at my age there are not a lot of years left to spend more years getting my PTSD treated.

What makes you think this?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

What makes you think this?

I am 59 and a half, average life span is 70-80 years, so 10-20 years.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

If this EMDR fails me, I believe the only option left that would keep me from giving up completely is a psychiatric service dog.

 

[CaraG]

There a lot of new treatments out there. Don't give up hope.