Sexual Assault Exhibitionism

[NewBeginnings]

I used to get into the rush. I would end up dressing very risqué- drinking plenty and "acting innocent" when that was far from the truth. I asked for it and have done a terrible disservice to all women. I disrespected myself, my body, and I didn't care. I was mean- I put myself in horrible situations and my T believes it was understandable because of my past- she is way too forgiving of me. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of my actions... can't hide behind my traumas for my behaviors but it did give me a very low sense of self worth.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I would end up dressing very risqué- drinking plenty and "acting innocent" when that was far from the truth.

I feel like this describes my past behavior as well...I am also grappling with how incredibly manipulative I was. You know I didn't think the whole "play" like the acting innocent act and then going all out to please a guy was really "a game" until my T pretty much pointed this out to me... I just sold myself, used guys and I for one am disgusted with myself.

my T believes it was understandable because of my past- she is way too forgiving of me. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of my actions..

Same...

 

[NewBeginnings]

I feel like this describes my past behavior as well...I am also grappling with how incredibl...

Thank you - feels really validating to imagine I am not the only one to make so many poor choices.

 

[EveHarrington]

I used to get into the rush. I would end up dressing very risqué- drinking plenty and "acting...

You owe no explanation nor have you done a disservice to all women. You are free to behave or misbehave as you choose. Never will you ever shoulder any responsibility for being representative of an entire gender. It's cruel that society puts this kind of pressure on women.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Just thinking about all the semi-public places I have been. I was starting to list them, but got just a little embarrassed. I don't link it to my trauma. For me, it has excitement and the thought that we are so into each other it has to happen right here and now, despite the location. Most of this adventure happened in my teens and twenties. Now that we are older, it is about sneaking around our kids. Or fooling around just to gross them out, since they
are teenangers. ;) The sex-trauma stuff I tend to question more is the intrusive thoughts and horrible fantasies, there is some public involved in that too, but it is definitely not the same thing.... at all. I wish I knew how to get rid of those. They make me feel horrible about myself after it's done.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

so into each other it has to happen right here and now,

Idk if I ever know what this would truly be like...since the beginning it has always been about trying to maintain control. I'm not sure what I ever actually feel in these moments vs. what I am trying to portray... I think I just try to initiate as crazy stuff as possible so, theres no chance of being in the submissive role. At this point I am just so confused, I am not sure why I do things and what I actually feel. It all hit me when my T actually made it painfully clear to me- I guess a revelation that I'm not actually this hypersexual person I have always portrayed but rather this is just another game I play... idk I'm feeling just really confused lol. Idk if this behavior is linked to my trauma like my T suggested or if I just like excitement, control, what? idk...

 

[WishfulThinking123]

like...this is going to sound so crazy but during sex all I'm thinking about is the next move or trying to disassociate due to being forced or pain etc... I am so detached and dead during it. I cant even remember a lot of it or whom...

 

[NewBeginnings]

like...this is going to sound so crazy but during sex all I'm thinking about is the next mov...

Doesn't sound crazy at all. I could have mostly written this post. I don't tend to think about next move but do check out until it is over.

 

[EveHarrington]

like...this is going to sound so crazy but during sex all I'm thinking about is the next mov...

If sex is so dreadful, why do you have sex? I know for me personally I had sex because I just thought that was what you were supposed to do, it was expected of me and I had to do what other people wanted so that they would like me. (It royally sucks how trauma f*cked us up!)

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@EveHarrington I mean I enjoy sex physically outside of the abuse that I have also endured... However, at the same time sex is bondage, a way to self destruct, something I felt like I had to do, still feel that way. I understand you can say no to sex at the beginning now and I feel comfortable in that knowledge now however, once sex is introduced why can I say no? What is a good excuse to say no? Am I ever allowed to? This hasn't ever been my experience...Sex has unfortunately become this forced thing, abusive thing, not loving...I was inappropriately touched twice as a child and my T has insinuated that it makes sense of my issues with this and promiscuity but I am having a hard time believing the two could be connected idk...