Urges to put yourself back into 'danger'?

[LexyLou]

I don't really know where this belongs. I'm in a weird place where I can't stop living in the past and in moments that hurt me. But I'm also fighting urges to put myself back in those situations, or in danger of them. Like getting prettied-up all femme and going to the pub and drinking to blackout. Think I just want to know if this is odd, am I alone?

 

[Sideways]

This doesn't sound weird at all - it sounds like your version of self-harm, and there's lots of different reasons we SH.

The first thing to do for me when I'm trying to convat my SH urges is to up the self-care and distraction activities if I possibly can. The second thing to do would be for me to talk to my T about it (which often means writing it down because it's too hard to say out loud).

SH urges oftentimes are a sign that we're in fairly deep distress. Things like talking about our trauma may need to take a back seat while we restabilise.

Do you have a T that's familar with your type of trauma?

 

[NewBeginnings]

I don't really know where this belongs. I'm in a weird place where I can't stop living in the past and...

I did this (going to bars, getting way drunk, and ending up in bad spots) for YEARS and eventually looked at my behaviors when I was working through stuff. I was able to recognize what I was doing.

I hadn't really considered it Self Harm behavior but i clearly was not being good to me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's normal-------trauma re-creation.

I think many of us do it with varying levels of harm. My preferable way to f*ck is the same way I was molested. Go figure.

 

[LexyLou]

Thank you all so much for your input. Just knowing that I'm not 'weird' or 'losing it' is very helpful - although the feelings and urges aren't new to me, this is the first time that I've had to acknowledge there's a theme or pattern or reason.

I'd never really seen it as SH urges. For me, SH has always been more immediate or physical, I have cut since I was a young teen and rarely beat it for very long. It's definitely easier to deal with it if I put it in the context of SH. Hopefully I'll find a T who can help me understand more, but I'm still waiting on referral and assessment, and in the UK that might take some time. Thankfully my social worker is lovely, but she's not the most tactful sometimes - I was talking to her yesterday and trying to explain how terrified I am every time I realise I've forgotten something only to have it shoved in my face (either mentally, or a physical reminder like a journal entry). She said something like "If you've forgotten these things then your brain has decided it doesn't need them to be important." which made me cry even harder!

The good side - I managed to get through that episode of urges without too much damage. Just a bottle of wine in the privacy of my own home and a few relatively minor cuts.

 

[Chitoshi]

Hi LexyLou,

I'm still working through trauma and get dysregulated sometimes in the same way, too. I agree with Ragdoll Circus on how to take care of yourself. I also ramp up the self-care and let my fiance know I'm struggling so he can be on retainer for me when I have these urges.

I'm so glad you've gotten through it. You're feeling better today, I assume? :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Becoming aware is half of the battle, now you have taken that step and broken the silence and are in a better position to get real help and that took a lot of courage to be so honest with yourself. You chose something different and I applaud your efforts. I am sorry that you have to wait though. Do you have a crises hot line that you can call for help and support for the next time? I hope that you can make a plan for in the future to assist you. I realize that making a plan is hard but think of it like an insurance policy. You took care of yourself this time, and I say good for you.:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Dysregulation is definitely the right place. What is going through you're head when you get the impulse/idea to go to a pub and drink to black out? Pick it apart and if you can identify it, it will likely give you an area you need some work and/or readdress/deal with.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@LexyLou
Just raising my hand to say that I struggle with that same urge too.