Relationship Struggling with walking away

[Willowtree]

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I have had the roughest 2 years of my life.

The man I love has CPTSD, he was sexually abused as a child. I didn't know this until 7 months into our relationship. He has struggled with intimacy his whole life. Unfortunately, I did not handle his actions very well at all. It lead me to a lot of anger, frustration and confusion. my own issues of abandonment surfaced, and my anxiety would spike whenever he would leave, or he would not resolve a conflict, or he would shut me out. Its taken me a long time to get to this place of healing, compassion, understanding, and love. We broke up last December, but all year I have tried to create a safe place for him to come back into the relationship.

I love this man dearly. He doesn't seem to be able to trust anybody. He has only 1 very close friend, and cannot nurture relationships. All of his siblings have wifes and children. I know he wants that, but he cannot and will not open up to me about anything. I have tried so much, joined therapy and support groups, etc. I'm exhausted. We keep having little break thru moments, and when we do, he pulls away again, and then doesn't want to see me or puts more distance between us.

Im trying to be understanding, but it kills me. I feel so guilty that I can't open him up. Like I'm failing.......like I failed him. He refuses to get help, he refuses to heal.

Im at the point where I know I need to walk away, but I'm having a tough time with it. I feel so guilty, and I love him and don't want to give up hope. i wrote him a message saying that I will always love him, but he pushes me away so I feel like I don't have a choice but to leave. We were living together, but now we live separately again. It makes it easier for him to not see me.

I guess I'm just looking for advice/comfort. Has anybody been in this position before? We are not technically together, but there is still so much love between us. It kills me to give up.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am not in the same situation that you are, yet I am in the position where I love my adult daughter and grandchildren so very much and my daughter is hating me right now, and has taken the grandkids away from me. I have to detach and let them go which is like a living death to me. I do know what it feels like to have all of this love and it is not returned nor is it allowed to be around them anymore.

It is killing me to walk away now after so many years that my family had been such a big part of my life. I am so sorry that you are going through this because it does hurt so much and it does take so much time to heal from. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes you have to stop worrying about their mental health and start worrying about your own. What has this all done to your state of mind? How much emotional damage is this causing you? What is your future going to look like if you continue on with this man who may never open up or seek treatment? Could you image the next 50 years being as unstable as it has been?

 

[Willowtree]

I am not in the same situation that you are, yet I am in the position where I love my adult daughter and g...

thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry your in that position. time will tell i guess. when its family, its so heartbreaking. not easy to walk away from.

 

[Willowtree]

Sometimes you have to stop worrying about their mental health and start worrying about your own. Wha...

Hi sweetpea. i know, i have thought about that a lot. If he is not willing to seek council, then there is no growth, and no possible future. NO, I couldn't see myself staying in this situation. it has broken my heart a lot. I don't think he can move forward with his life, if he can't acknlowedge his pain nd his repression. I love him. so letting go is a process and i feel like I'm dying inside.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I have had the roughest 2 years of my life.

The man I love has CPTSD,...

@Willowtree i am in the same position you're in. It's like you just write my story as well. In the beginning I also wasn't aware of how to behave because of not understanding ptsd, but since I've educated myself and I've joined this forum, it's really helped me to have a better understanding of how to deal with my sufferer. He says that he needs me in his life d doesn't want me to relocate to another state, but the space he requires right now is so extremely hard to take along with being confusing. I don't understand everything but I do understand that the best thing for your sufferer is giving him space and continuing to be consistent in his life. He's dealing with a lot more than you probably realize and needs time to work it out for himself. He also probably needs to speak with his T. Don't give up! Not yet! But be prepared for a rollercoaster ride with the push and pull; one minute he's fine and everything will be nice, and then without notice, he may flight again. It's a lot of hard work to support someone who has ptsd; not saying it's impossible. Good luck with your partner.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Willowtree Sometimes we can't trust our hearts when our heads know better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sometimes we can't trust our hearts when our heads know better.

Thank you for saying this because I needed to hear this. I have always struggled with the difference between head and heart knowledge. You really helped me today.

 

[Willowtree]

@Willowtree i am in the same position you're in. It's like you just write my story as w...

Hi BJ. Thankd for the reply. I work for a hospital, so this morning I messaged him, letting him know that I can get him an appointment to see someone. He saw the message, and then blocked me. I just feel.....gutted. I am trying not to take it personally. But I don't think I can stick around in this kind of rollercoaster anymore. It's been 9 months of me trying to prove I love him and I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't seem to want a deeper relationship, or to even try to acknowledge what is going on inside of him. I've tried everything. I can't create a safe space with someone who shuts me out every other day. I get close, he just runs again. I wouldn't be able to do this for much longer. I'm exhausted.

 

[Willowtree]

@Willowtree Sometimes we can't trust our hearts when our heads know better.[/QUOT...

Thanks sweetpea.

Its true. I feel like I can't do much else. He has chosen to not heal.....
He doesn't want me to be there for him and I've literally tried everything. I'm so tired.

 

[Justmehere]

I have a friend who chose not to heal from a different condition and it nearly did me in trying to walk away. I eventually did. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[Willowtree]

Thanks justmehere. Any advice? I know walking away is pretty self explanatory lol. But even though he has chosen this path, I still have a support group, read about how to help him, and spend my time learning everything I can. I just don't know how to let go.

It's what he wants. He has expressed that a lot. So at this point, it's really just me holding on to the what ifs. I wanted to show him I wouldnt just give up on him.