Justmehere
Sponsor
If you mean that he is clear he wants you to walk away, then it might help to reframe it like this: by walking away you are helping show that you will respect his boundaries. His choices.
Even if that isn't what he is specifically saying, by walking away you are respecting his adulthood and his unspoken choices -- which is helpful too.
Staying just to try to help him and motivate him to change, when he isn't ready to take those steps, isn't actually likely to be helpful to him. I can say that as a sufferer and a supporter. I had people in my own life stay past when they should have, and pushed me to change. Their hearts were in the right place. It did nothing but spin me out and overwhelm. I wasn't ready.
It was much more helpful to my recovery from PTSD when a wise friend instead told me they were walking away because I needed help, and I had to do the work to change to make relationships work. That actually helped me significantly. It got me to stop putzing around and see my own pain more clearly and finally get the real help I needed.
I like the symbol of the butterfly for a couple of reasons. One reason is that they remind me that the struggle is often part of getting stronger. If a butterfly is helped out of its cocoon too quickly and too soon, then it will never fly. It will not have the needed struggle against the walls of the cocoon to strengthen its wings.
He's got his walls up for a reason, and fences and walls shouldn't be brought down by others unless we really know why they are there and everyone is ready to deal with what happens when the walls come down. It's not always pretty and things don't always get better just because the walls are down. He might need this time to battle against his own walls before he will be ready to bring them down. He may also never bring them down. At the end of the day, staying in a relationship based on the hope another will change sets up all parties for resentment. You will help him by not setting him and you up for resentment.
You can ponder all the what ifs, but it might be more helpful to focus on the here and now. (I know, so easy to say, so hard to do.) If those walls came down too soon, some of the possibilies include a whole host of problems that could sink you both.
If/when you feel understandably worried and anxious about him, redirect it as a chance to learn to more about yourself and how you might help others who are ready for change.
The hellish experience of not being able to resolve pain and suffering of someone we love and care about, I think is something many sufferers and supporters understand. I think it leads many to feel scared and helpless. It's normal to want everything to be ok. If this is the case for you, try to find ways you can have a healthy sense of helping others. Avoid codependency of course, but look into healthy interdependent ways of perhaps volunteering for an organization that helps trauma survivors.
It might also be worthwhile exploring if this stirs up any past hurts or pain for you. Sometimes people find that's the case. Maybe you know what it's like to not have someone come through and that's part of why you so do not want to be the person that gives up on someone. I dunno. I'm not saying that is the case for you, but maybe something to keep in mind. With my own friend, her refusal to get help stirred up my own pain in how hard it was for me to get help myself and how much my own delays cost me. I honestly was mad too, which is maybe selfish of me, but I wanted to matter enough that she would get help to make things work between us. But the reality was that the battle of her illness was bigger than I understood and her freedom to make the choices that she did had to take priority.
I don't see this as if you are giving up on him. I see it as you respecting him.
You are doing a lot of good things to get support for this. It's not easy. I'm glad the world has compassionate folks like you in it. Hang in there! :hug:
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