Relationship Do they come back after an argument ?

[Sweetpea76]

If he had done this, and he didn't have PTSD, would you be responding in the same way? A lot of time supporters end up trapped in this cycle of excusing everything because their partners have PTSD.

He didn't mean to call me names, it was the PTSD.

He didn't mean to cheat on me, it was the PTSD.

He didn't mean to break up with me, it was the PTSD.

I would take him at his word. He knows what he is saying. He's not blacked out or possessed. He is stressed out and has decided to end it. It may be PTSD related or it may not be. Break ups suck. The thing that sucks the worst is that the person doing the breaking up doesn't have to justify why. They just have to break up, and the other party has to accept it. It's not fair, but it's life. It doesn't matter if you've been together 5 minutes or 50 years.

He has laid out boundaries multiple times, and you're crossing them repeatedly. Besides not respecting his boundaries, this is how people end up with restraining orders.

I'm not sure if you're a supporter or sufferer -- when your emotions are cranked to 11, it's hard or impossible to think of things clinically

We have to think of things clinically because emotions cranked to 11 doesn't fly when your partner has PTSD. It exacerbates and escalates. It makes them sick. It makes them shut down. It makes them fight/flight. If you want to be the supporter in a PTSD relationship you have to take the high emotions elsewhere.

There is a tough love/get over it school of thought that seems to be the go-to approach on here

It's not tough love, it's things that people don't want to hear. Being in a relationship with somebody who has a mental illness isn't all butterflies and romance, sometimes it has to be realistic and clinical. There are lots of ways to love. This is one specific way.

 

[WTF Happened]

The thing that sucks the worst is that the person doing the breaking up doesn't have to justify why.

That's absolutely true. But it sure would be nice to be treated with a little respect, or at least like a person, after an intimate relationship comes to an end. Especially if there wasn't any infidelity, indecency, or any other misdeeds committed by the supporter.

After my ex and I broke up I dated a bit, and obviously wasn't looking for anything serious. I was upfront about that with a girl I was dating but after a short while she wanted more than I could give her and after a respectful conversation, that was obviously painful for her, she accepted that we had to stop seeing each other. On her way out the door she said, "I'm going to miss you." And you know what I said? I said "Yeah, you too." Now, that wasn't entirely true. I mean, there were certainly things about her that I liked and would miss, but I was mostly saying it because her feelings were hurt, I was responsible for that, and I thought it was a decent thing to say back.

That story is about a girl I had a casual dating relationship with. When I told my ex, who was supposedly madly in love with me, that I'd miss her, do you know what she said? Nothing. She stared at me blankly and kind of nodded. She didn't have to lie and say she'd miss me back, but she could have said something to acknowledge my pain.

I don't mean to hijack confusedgirl's thread here, I just share my experience to convey that the person initiating the breakup may not bear any actual responsibility to do anything, but there is certainly a moral decency that you would hope a loved one would show to you. And when they don't, it is shocking, confusing and sad, and I wouldn't blame anyone for searching for answers rather than hitting the accept button right away.

 

[1confusedgirl]

Yes, that all sounds very familiar. As you browse through this forum and read other's stories you...

I understand i made a mistake. I shouldn't have pressed for info. I should have let it go, i get all that now. That's partly what makes it so hard because i know i caused it. Ive had other relationships that fizzled out or ended because of differences but i cant think of one ex that i wouldn't at least be kind to if i ran in to them. I am leaving him alone because i want him to be okay. It was just a shock. It all happened so fast. i appreciate your helpful comments, i feel like some other comments from other people have only made me feel worse.

 

[EveHarrington]

Rephrased.

When a supporter repeatedly refused to abide by boundaries, it indeed feels like you're being stalked!

Spoken as someone who has had actual stalkers in my past AND people who walk all over my boundaries.

 

[Sighs]

i know i caused it.

Just wanted to throw out a slightly different perspective on this. If I had been living with someone for 2 years, who had served 18 months in prison before we met, but was being evasive and telling different stories about the reason for that reasonably lengthy prison sentence I would push for information too.

I'd be happy to drop a conversation on why you no longer talk to your sister, or why you don't like to go to crowded places or why you hate brussel sprouts but I want to know if I'm living with someone who was convicted of fraud or drug trafficking or assault of a man in a bar room brawl or assault of their previous girlfriend or sexual abuse of a small child. It matters to me.

Bear in mind that the OP did not know at that time that her partner had PTSD so she may not have pushed for information in the "right" way at the "right" time, but I really think its unfair to tell her she should have dropped it and the whole blow up is her fault.

@1confusedgirl - this man is not being honest with you about a significant event in his past. That throws up a HUGE red flag for me. Maybe you are better off out of this relationship. :hug:

 

[1confusedgirl]

@Sighs Thank you for your perspective! Not knowing about the ptsd, i felt very strongly that it was something I should know. Yes i pushed for information, but as in pushing for a conversation. I didn't yell or try to argue i just felt like this was something i should have known if we were sharing a life together. I didn't know about the ptsd or how traumatic the experience was for him to that extent. we had been together for 2 years, talked about marriage and starting a business and had been friends for nearly 5 years before dating. I just wanted to know why it was such a secret, naturally my mind wanted to think the worst if it was being hidden. I don't blame the ptsd for what happened and i take responsibility for my part but at the time i felt like i was doing the right thing.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Not telling you he had PTSD after living together for 2 years, then only bringing it up after an argument to place all the blame on you is bullshit too.

You probably did dodge a bullet.

 

[anonymous]

Same anon as before.

There is something that has been bugging me since I wrote that.

You said he didn't have a lawyer because he couldn't afford it?
But it was a felony conviction?
In the US?
How?

He should have been assigned a public defender, as per his rights.
Not having a lawyer, would mean he had to refuse his right to legal representation. At which time everyone from the public defender to the trial judge, would have asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that. As it's idiotic to represent yourself in court.

There's no way he couldn't have known about this. They are legally required to offer him a defender. This would have been offered first thing while being arrested.

You know, that whole "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be presented to you". speech the arresting officer recites.

I stand by what I said, but yeah, that bit of his story sounds like BS.

 

[Friday]

@anonymous

If he pled guilty at his arraignment, there are a lot of courts that are so overloaded "everyone" in the courtroom has the same public defender. Easily 50-150 cases on the docket before lunch. You -and everyone else- meet them when you plead. In court. They stand at a podium next to an empty seat, and they just call names one after the other. They call your name, you walk to the chair, attorney asks you how you intend to plead, you tell them, they tell the judge, the judge repeats if back to you, and you nod. Finis. Done. Over. Sum total time about 90 seconds, and 6 words spoken between you. And then some courts don't bother with a second sentencing date, but sentence on the spot. Gavil & next case. All done in 2 minutes or less. Wham bam thank you ma'am. Miranda rights covered. You have to plead not guilty in order to meet with your attorney privately. Even if you intend to plead guilty, later. Never. Ever. Ever. Plead guilty in a US Criminal Court... Until directed to by an attorney, with whom you agree.

If I had been living with someone for 2 years, who had served 18 months in prison before we met, but was being evasive and telling different stories about the reason for that reasonably lengthy prison sentence I would push for information too

Ditto. Although the different stories make sense as one story. Bitch cheated on him, he attacked the guy she cheated with, when he wouldn't take her back she pressed charges. Undoubtedly other details involved, and I could easily be wrong, but I'd lay money on that outline.

 

[Sweetpea76]

OR the guy is a bit of a liar. Weird prison story that changes, the whole no lawyer for a criminal charge thing, big fight after she asked for details... PLUS no mention or inkling of PTSD until after she pushed for details to throw a monkey wrench into asking about it further.

He could be 100% honest but just omitting important details, but something seems a bit rotten in the state of Denmark.

 

[dulcia]

@1confusedgirl, you're in the US, right? If I was in your situation, I would have also been curious about the changing jail stories because that's a serious thing to hide and/or mislead about. Although, I probably would have googled the shit out of it to find info first before approaching him. A lot of jail records can be found online, depending on the county. A lot are available for free. If you haven't, you might even just check the national sex offender registry, just because that is one that is always available and free.

It sucks that the relationship went south so quickly with no clear answer as to why now. I find it a little odd that he didn't show any symptoms of PTSD in the two years up until now. I saw more than one PTSD escalation with my partner before we were even dating, although he wasn't really receiving treatment (counseling, meds, etc) at the time.

In answer to your question, stop contacting him. Your phone number is still the same, right? He has your number, he hasn't lost it. If he did lose it, he could easily unblock you and contact you via social media. He knows how to find you or contact you if he wants to talk and he hasn't done either of those things. He doesn't want to talk. Period. I know that wanting a reason or justification makes it tempting to keep reaching out, but don't. I agree with a simple, straightforward one-and-done (with a friend) meeting or arrangement to get your furniture, especially if that's your reasoning for driving by his house still. If I told someone to leave me alone and I saw them driving by my house even one time, I would probably flip my shit.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

stop contacting him. Your phone number is still the same, right? He has your number, he hasn't lost it. If he did lose it, he could easily unblock you and contact you via social media. He knows how to find you or contact you if he wants to talk and he hasn't done either of those things. He doesn't want to talk. Period.

Could not agree more!

This:

It's been 2 weeks since i left the house. He hasnt texted or called, he deleted me off social media but hasnt blocked my phone number.

Sounds like stalking to me. The way you know he hasn't blocked your number is you called and/or texted his. Stop! Just stop! Rolled eyes, "will you leave if I take it" (and likely thrown right in the trash, it's what I would have done!), and drive bys. Just text him a single line bit about the furniture that scout orginally wrote, get your furniture and be done. Yes, it sucks bit damn! Can a person with PTSD break up with someone without the other saying "it's just the PTSD! He'll come around!" No! He has said it in so many ways. Lying or not doesn't even matter anymore as he has booted you out of his life.

My question is why are you begging to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you and has some sort of questionable prison thing? You may want to examine that but leave this poor guy alone!