Relationship Do they come back after an argument ?

[joeylittle]

Link Removed

A reminder, for sufferers posting in the Supporter forum.

 

[Willowtree]

Hi @1confusedgirl

I just wanted to say, as a supporter, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Its not your fault. Please don't be made to feel badly about what happened. You are well intentioned, and were also caught off guard.

My ex sufferes from PTSD, but has never addressed it, nor talked about it with me. I had NO idea at all. we were together for 2 years, moved halfway across the country together, with no family, no friends, nothing. I did not understand wtf was going on with his behaviours. It made me feel crazy. That I had done something wrong. It brought up many insecurities and anxietys in me. I have read recently that this is a normal thing to happen to someone who doesn't understand, or have any knowledge. I too, pushed my sufferer a lot. I had to learn healthy boundaries, and to understand what they go through. And you know what, I STILL mess up. Im human!!

When my sufferer left me, I was confused, devastated, upset, felt abandoned. I had to heal myself. And like i said, i still mess up. Please, learn to forgive yourself. it is hard. My sufferer came back into the picture, just to leave and come back, again and again. I have learned to be more compassionate and loving. Whatever was and is going on with him, you wanted to know, you wanted to be close and intimate and understand him and his situation better. You came from a good place, even if in the moment it came out in anger, frustration, etc.

I think sufferers forget sometimes, supporters mess up too. We have feelings of anger, of confusion. We know they cant focus on us, and thats OK. But we need to be able to come together to support our mistakes, pains, and our own suffering as well. I know for me, I love my sufferer very much. its been a rough year. but I'm still here, I'm still standing. And i will still love him, if only from afar.

So please, be gentle with yourself. And you have support on here. We are all in this battle together.

 

[WTF Happened]

The persistent lack of empathy towards people who are genuinely hurting on here continues to blow my mind. Yes, if you look at things coldly and clinically, why would anyone pine for someone who doesn't want to be with them? But it's not that simple. And the way some of you write it's almost as if you've never been in love or had your heartbroken before. Don't you remember what that's like? Is it sufferers that are writing these cold replies?

Can a person with PTSD break up with someone without the other saying "it's just the PTSD! He'll come around!" No! He has said it in so many ways. Lying or not doesn't even matter anymore as he has booted you out of his life.

Are you a sufferer? Because this sounds like maybe you are projecting, like you have had people in your life who have not respected your wishes or boundaries and kept pushing and pushing, all the while writing your actions off as a symptom of an illness. If that is the case, I am very sorry that someone pushed you like that when it was no doubt important to your healing to be left alone.

Please consider that the intensity with which you feel the need to create distance (long or short term) at a moment's notice and have that respected is equal to the intensity that supporters/ex-supporters want their loved one to come back to being the way they were when they originally fell in love. Perhaps both sides are selfish, but both worthy of kindness and respect and please god some EMPATHY.

I don't think anyone on here really means it this way, but it comes off as kicking someone when they're down. If we all erred on the side of kindness on here, even if we vehemently disagree with the way someone is handling things, I think this forum would function much better for both supporters and sufferers.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Willowtree, I relate to every single word you have written here. This pain is so unlike anything anybody will experience in a "normal" breakup and it can often make me feel alone on an island, or crazy, or both. Thank you!

And all those feelings you listed off? Yes, yes, and yes. Describes it perfectly. I hope we can talk more on here.

Isn't it interesting how sufferers and supporters have such trouble fully understanding what the other side must be feeling? As if communicating in a different language. I wonder what the secret is to an improved dialogue on here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Are you a sufferer? Because this sounds like maybe you are projecting, like you have had people in your life who have not respected your wishes or boundaries and kept pushing and pushing, all the while writing your actions off as a symptom of an illness.

Yes I am and I am not projecting nor do I lack empathy for the situation. This poster crossed this man's boundries over and over and over again. And is now asking what to do. My answer is to leave him alone. Do as scout said, send a 1 liner text about getting furniture, bring someone, get the furniture and that's it.

My issue is this is becoming about his PTSD when all that happened is a break up. He, for whatever reason, does not want to be in the relationship and this poster keeps pushing herself into his life when he has made it clear as can be that he just wants her to leave him alone. PTSD is not to blame. It's not "well, it's just PTSD and he will come to his senses". No, it's a break up and he has asked to be left alone in numberous ways. I get that it sucks and it hurts. Most breaks ups do. I can empathize with that but she is crossing his boundries time and time again, pushing herself into his life when he keeps asking to be left alone and that is not ok.

So, I am not mad or angry when I post this. I may lack proper words for what I am trying to say but I am giving this poster my thoughts on the situation, which is what they asked for.

 

[1confusedgirl]

Hi @1confusedgirl

I just wanted to say, as a supporter, I know EXACTLY what you...

Thank you so much @Willowtree . It helps so much to know that others have experienced the same thing. I was truly in awe of what happened and hearing other peoples experiences has helped greatly. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[dulcia]

The persistent lack of empathy towards people who are genuinely hurting on here continues to blow my mind.

I used to get my feelings hurt at some of the replies I would get when I first started coming here and posting. What I quickly learned was, this is not the place to be if all you want is encouraging smiles, pats on the back, and "he'll come around!"s. This is where you come for real people, real life advice from individuals who are living it. No -- a lot of the times you won't like the feedback you get. Yes -- sometimes members have their own shit going on and may not give the best or most tactful advice. Is it coming from a bad place? Most of the time, no! I think it's important (in all aspects of life) to be open to other points of view, especially if it's something you're new to (like PTSD). I don't see a lack of empathy here. Nor, do I see akicking them while they're down scenario. I see a wide array of advice and feedback that the OP can either choose to ignore or not.

 

[WTF Happened]

Thank you for elaborating and clarifying, lost.

My issue is this is becoming about his PTSD when all that happened is a break up. He, for whatever reason, does not want to be in the relationship and this poster keeps pushing herself into his life when he has made it clear as can be that he just wants her to leave him alone. PTSD is not to blame.

Can any of us on here make a declarative statement like that? In reading many of the stories on here, I think it's safe to say that many breakups are precipitated by a triggering event of some kind, a stress cup overflow, or just a need for the sufferer to settle inside before they can have a functional relationship. Take away the PTSD, you likely take away those effects, and take away the breakup. That doesn't mean a PTSD sufferer can't just breakup with someone for perfectly "normal" reasons as well -- but in 1confusedgirl's post the breakup seemed to occur after she touched on a clearly sensitive part of his life. Would he have reacted this way even if he didn't have PTSD? Maybe! Maybe not! What I'm trying to say is let's not declare with authority that it's one way or the other - only he knows. And maybe not even him!

 

[Willowtree]

Willow, I relate to every single word you have written here. This pain is so unlike anything anybo...

I think its hard, its a matter of maybe not understanding? I do not have PTSD, nor do I pretend to know what it feels like/what anybody goes through. All i know, is that its painful. I see how my S shuts down, and It hurts me so badly. I internalized a lot of that, because I didn't understand. My S is untreated and won't seek help. It can leave loved ones feeling confused, unheard, unloved themselves. It is NOBODYS fault. Nobody is too blame.

But at the same time, it leaves so much unanswered, so much one big question mark. i try to respect my S's boundaries as much as possible. I used to push and push. It wasn't out of lack of respect, it was out of confusion and temporarily, I was damaged from all the guessing and trying to figure it out. I screw up sometimes. Last week i pushed his boundary and now he's gone again. Like i said, not out of lack of respect. I have just been trying my best. Thats is all one can do. And when you don't know, and it is untreated, that is especially hard.

If I had just left it, like a lot of posters on here had said, then i wouldn't have known the truth. my sufferer and i have had many beautiful moments this year, none of which would have happened, if i had just said "f*ck it, its done, its over". I knew something else was going on underneath. Now i am NOT suggesting messaging anybody or trampling on anybodies wishes. no no no.

What I'm saying is I gave space and reached out, extended the olive branch many many many times. Was i rejected? MORE times then i could count. Ive seriously lost count. but i never stopped making warm invites. and when i was asked to leave him alone, I DID.
It has been trial and error for me. This might not work in anybody scenarios, everybody is different. Im just saying FOR me, I know my S's heart. I know the PTSD is something he battles. So everybody on here is battling something.

Maybe just more compassion can be spread on these forums? I know sufferers are trying to help, its why we are all on here. but, we are all learning. Some of us have just learned about this illness. It is all new to me too

 

[dulcia]

@Willowtree, keep in mind that no one can tell you what to do. Even if someone says "leave it", that's just advice, a recommendation. In the beginning, everyone told me to leave my guy too and I didn't. But I do take their advice and ideas on a lot of other things, too.

 

[scout86]

Are you a sufferer?

@lostforgottensoul has PTSD, yes. So do I, another person you took to be pretty cold blooded earlier.

Here's the thing, in real life, it's pretty much a given that people aren't going to respect boundaries and will keep pushing. Not everyone, and usually out of a lack of understanding, but it's pretty much 100% guaranteed to happen. I'm going to take a wild guess that this also happens to "normal" people. Maybe they handle it differently. So, I have a question. What are we SUPPOSED to do with someone who seems not to be able to take "No" for an answer? (And, feel free to leave out of the equation the fact that many of us got to where we are because people didn't think we had a right to say "No".) I'm not all that good at this sort of stuff, what would a "normal" person do?

the need to create distance (long or short term) at a moment's notice

I've never experienced this as something that shows up "at a moments notice". I've experienced it as something that grows over a period of time, where I attempt to communicate and my attempts don't go anywhere. As time goes on (and I guess it could be hours or days, but, for me, it's usually longer than that) and the person I'm dealing with continues to miss what I'm trying to communicate, and my own desperation to communicate grows. By the time I get to where I'm communicating in ways that are nearly impossible to miss (Get out of my life! NOW!) I can see where, to the person who didn't get what I was trying to say earlier might be surprised and think it came out of nowhere, but it actually didn't. I suppose this is some kind of communication problem and maybe it even happens with "normal" people. But, maybe not.

I've had conversations, as an example, where someone asks me what I'm thinking. If I respond with "You don't want to know.", what that actually means is, you probably REALLY don't want to know. Doesn't mean that I don't appreciate that asking the question was most likely an attempt to show that they care. What it DOES mean is 1) I don't want to talk about it and 2) It's quite possible you literally don't want to know because it's not all that pleasant. So, how does one answer that kind of question in a way that more politely shuts the topic down?

 

[WTF Happened]

@scout86 , it sounds like your communication skills are far more developed than those sufferers who send supporters running to these forums. I think many of us who have lost our relationships would have loved attempts to communicate leading up to the eventual blow-up. I think what happens in a lot of these stories of heartbreak on here is that the sufferer has either been having these conversations in their head the entire time (as my ex admitted) and then blindsides the supporter, or they are so early on in their journey of healing that they don't even understand their own feelings so they can't possibly communicate them (also the case with my ex).

I wonder if sufferers who read the supporter forums sometimes take posts too personally. As if we are talking about them. A reply like, "Well -I- don't do that and -I- have the ability to communicate..." might not be true for the person that the supporter is writing about. Sharing your personal experiences is actually very helpful, but I think we get caught in a loop here: a supporter describes a certain behavior, a sufferer reads it and feels like the supporter is making a blanket statement about all PTSD sufferers, sufferer pushes back describing their experience, supporters read it and feels like it is now the sufferer making a blanket statement about all PTSD sufferers, and around we go.

In your case, scout, it's very clear that you have put in a lot of work at understanding and managing your PTSD. It is some of the worst cases, those who are not putting in the work to get better, who send some of us supporters here.

Anyway, I hope all of my posts here are being read with the constructive spirit that they are intended. I'm only interested in creating a better dialogue between sufferers and supporters, as each side can clearly benefit from the other's insight.