• We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
  • Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.

Sexual Assault I went into 'freeze' mode.i was hand raped.what happened to me?

  • Post starter Post starter Deleted member 44525
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Deleted member 44525

I wanted to share this i am to ashamed.I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone.It was really hard for me to write this.I just feel humiliated.I feel just awful.I’m dying of shame, humiliation and embarassment. I am feeling really horrible.Ok this is going to be a long post..I am a 41year old woman what is wrong with me?I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am truly lost.I can’t believe I am posting something so personal as I am a very private person, but this is so upsetting to me I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears.
I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!
The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: “Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!”.I am a 41year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette.I I like dressing well, and looking presentable. I don’t dress slutty at all. My boobs are 32 f bra size though and I do have a big butt. My hourglass shape is unique and i am tall, and I appreciate that.If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I prefer wearing satin pants and a little shorter satin skirts, always above knees, sometimes even quite much, but not any miniskirts anyway. I am always on high heels and full make up on.I am always in tight form fitting satin and silk clothes. I am a stylish person.I usually stay away from anything too revealing.I am describing myself because i want you to know the complexity of the situation.On Friday at the book club meeting there was this new member.She is a skinny really short like 5ft3 ugly wrinkled face thin lips creepy green eyes grayhaired Justin Bieber haircut masculine woman in her late 50s.She approached me and introduced herself.She said that she is new in the neighborhood.I was wearing my pink satin short sleeve bow blouse my black satin pencil skirt and my pink 6inch high heels shoes.Than she said that she likes to caress satin fabric and that silk and satin is so smooth to the touch when rubbing.Than she started rubbing my back with her right hand while talking to me about the book.Than i sat on the chair the meeting started and she sat on the chair behind me and began rubbing my back. I felt awkward.She then began furthering her reach and casually brushed across my rib cage/side boob. I thought it was an accident, then she did it again and left her hand there and leaned in to whisper something about the book.She kept rubbing my back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else. And that happened a few times.She began fully brushing the sides of my breasts.While she was standing talking about the book her hands were resting on my shoulders.Her hands were practically constantly on me during the meeting.The book meeting ended and while i was talking to other women book club members she was behind me caressing my ass with her right hand.Her car was parked next to mine she was behind me her hand was on my butt while I was walking.Than she hugged me from behind placing her hands on my breasts and cupped my breasts , squeezing gently for like 5 minutes.Than she left.I was just standing and sitting there letting it happen.i wass like frozen to the ground and paralyzed.Suddenly, i was unable to speak coherently.I wass going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” ” errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr” for ages and ages.I am so embarrassed by the whole thing. I’m embarrassed that this weird short skinny masculine stranger woman was touching me and groping me so intimately in front of 7 other women and I did nothing about it.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft2 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.I am a 41year old woman what is wrong with me. I am a weak spineless person.Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can’t verbalize a succinct “NO” to this short skinny mature pervert lesbian.I didn’t say anything or tell her to stop.I can’t talk to my husband about this because he is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me.It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting?I couldn’t talk normal.I couldn’t get words out of my mouth.I was like totally paralyzed while she was touching me and groping me.Mouth was open but no words came out of it.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.I can’t report
her to the police because i don’t want my husband to find out about this.He is very jealous and controlling.I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny mature woman.Other 7 women book club members were weirded out but they ignored that and said/did nothing and continued to discuss the book as if nothing was happening.I’m just lost. Should I even be upset?I’m SO embarrassed.I’ve been shamed and humiliated.I can’t relax and its constantly on my mind, I can’t sleep.It is very frustrating.I was totally paralyzed and numb while she was touching me and groping me.I was just sitting and standing there kind of awkwardly.If i meet this pervert woman i am going to put a lot of distance between the two of us.I don’t want to stop going to the book club meetings because of this awful woman.She said that she moved in my neighborhood a month ago.What if i freeze again.She lives just a few streets away.Well, this never happened to me before, until now. I am 41year old woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. feel completely used and humiliated by this lesbian total stranger.I know this may sound like I’m overreacting, but I genuinely felt violated.I was practically hand raped by this pervert weird short skinny mature ugly total stranger woman.I am dressing like this since i graduated college and got my first office job.It is my whole wardrobe.It is how i like to dress myself and that is my style.I wear high heels every day too.All the time.Well i am considered by myself and others to be extremely elegant and i take great pride in that. Why should i change my dressing style because of this creepy short skinny pervert woman?She has no right to touch me. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I feel so degraded and humiliated.I feel like i am at the lowest point of my life because of my freeze response to touching and groping by this creepy repulsive short skinny pervert total stranger woman.Thanks for reading and sorry for being such a downer.
 
I would have felt violated too. I would never be able to go back to the book club.

I feeze too. I can't help it. It's humilating.
 
I personally feel like if you really felt violated you would have did something I know I would have turned around and probably knock her the hell out I think in some deep down way you probably liked it how many years have you been married maybe you were just kind of curious and now you don't know what to do because other people seen it so you want to say you're ashamed but deep down you're curious
 
I dont think that not reacting violently to an assault means you're secretly curious - the freeze response is a we'll know reaction to being shocked or scared.

Can I ask OP have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Your thread title says you were hand raped however the generally accepted definition of rape requires penetration of some kind, which going by your description isn't what happened here? It's clear you were touched in a way that wasn't initiated or wanted by you - usually termed sexual assault rather than rape. I make the distinction because there are folk here who have been raped who might not react kindly to the idea that having your breasts touched is the same as their experience of being raped.

I'm also wondering why your appearance, figure or wardrobe are so explicitly stated over and over again in your post. Do you think your appearance was influential in the assault, had you been less striking looking, less curvy, more cotton than silk that you might not have been assaulted? It's clear your experience has had an impact on you and I'm sorry you went through that.
 
I'd highly suggest counseling if this incident continues to be distressing.

Freezing up is a survival response. It does not mean you wanted it. Quite the opposite. Whatever clothing or dress or figure you have is actually irrelevant in terms of responsibility. No one has the right to engage in unwanted sexual touch no matter how you are dressed.

They should have sought your enthusiastic verbal consent before touching you in these ways.
She has no right to touch me.
Exactly.
 
I personally feel like if you really felt violated you would have did something I know I would have turned around and pr...
I was totally numb while she was touching me.I have no desire to do anything sexual with a women.I am 100% straight.Even the thought of eating out a vagina makes me gag.I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.Thank you i am feeling so lost.I am totally exhausted.Thanks you for reading this.I don’ want to press charges because of my husband.He is going to blame me for this..I hate myself so much right now. I’m afraid, REALLY afraid of this awful pervert woman and so terriby deeply humiliated by her.I get lots of compliments and guys often flirt with me.Attention is like orgasm to women specially if its from some-other guy other than their husbands/boyfriends.I’ve been told that I’m smart. I’ve been told that I’m a kind and compassionate person. Supposedly these are qualities that men look for in a woman.I’ve always received a ton of attention from men without even seeking it out at all.Whenever I am without my husband in some sort of social gathering, some random guy nearly always hits on me and compliments me up and down a 100 times. But guys never grope me or touch me without my consent.My husband does not like some of the comments I get. I don’t think it’s bad if some guy calls me hot but this doesn’t sit very well with him.He says that I am giving these men the impression that they have a chance with me.My reply is “so what!” I am not going to do anything. I am in control. He acts like I am going to just fall under their spell. It is so stupid and annoying.I am faithful to my husband.Women don’t like me.A lot of them are rude to me. I don’t mean all women are rude, but I have to say that the majority of women I encounter are. It’s more to do with body language and the tone of voice than anything else, these women haven’t actually said anything nasty to my face, but probably are thinking it. I get hit on a lot by guys, which makes women I am around jealous for some reason.People often think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob when i am NOTHING like that at all,i have also been told that i think i am better than everyone else.People are saying to me that i look very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.People have told me that they always thought I was stuck up or that I thought I was too good for everyone else.I hate that so much….especially because the total opposite is true.One female work colleague has described me as a ‘snob’ on about half a dozen occasions. I still don’t really know why.I know on one of those occasions it was because I turned down the offer to attend one of many social events they hold after hours… How not wanting to go somewhere makes me a ‘snob’, I don’t know…
 
I have been targeted by women a lot. I've also been called aloof and stuck up. I'm not. I'm shy and can't be in constant social situations.

Your husband sounds a little scary to me. Is he abusive?
 
I dont think that not reacting violently to an assault means you're secretly curious - the freeze respo...
I have never had any major trauma in my life. I've never experienced any sexual or physical abuse.I am a 41year old woman.I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.I'm confused and my mind doesn't stop. I really worry that I'm going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone's time but I had to get some of this out of my head.There are some things I don't know how to describe to you.I've been reading everything I can find about the freeze response, but it doesn't quite fit. What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attacked...to disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? I've never heard anyone say they did this and I'm so ashamed that I couldn't even say no or push this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman away. I have large boobs, and all men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to ###$ off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it.Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That's just who I am.I love dressing up, I've tried dressing down, but I always end up changing.
My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why I’m so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.
 
When did the interpersonal relationship difficulties with women start?

Have you been through other...
I am aware that I have sex appeal. Some (not all) women do treat me poorly or decide not to talk to me based on my appearance. It hurts like hell because I'm very accepting of people, but don't get the same in return. Women do glare at me in public. I'll look at them and they don't look away. Some have even rolled eyes. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm a human being just like everybody else.I have battled discrimination for as long as I can remember, all the way from high school.

Read more:

When did the interpersonal relationship difficulties with women start?

Have you been through other...
I've been having this feeling of having been violated and I think I have been because this awful pervert woman just walked all over my boundaries.It is a very horrible feeling. I've described it as feeling "hand raped." I don't know how else to describe it.I just feel totally violated in every sense of the word.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Ditto.

You were groped.

You were not hand raped.

I have been groped AND hand raped.

There is no comparison.

I'm not trying to be rude but it's not really a good thing to call groping a "hand rape".
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Donation drives

2026 Donation Goal

Goal
$1,800.00
Earned
$910.00
This donation drive ends in
0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
  50.6%

Trending content

Featured content

Back
Top Bottom