Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Nicolette]

From what I have seen....perhaps one of the biggest struggles with CPTSD is coming to an acceptance that what the parents did was wrong and not that of the child. Normality for an abused child becomes a struggle in adulthood when they realise their thinking and views don't match the 'normal' ones and they end up in unhealthy relationships themselves.. The challenge...re-programming thought processes.

Also I see many struggle maintaining or having relationships with their parents as adults and some pull away as otherwise they revert back to that abused child when dealing with parents.


What are your views?

 

[heather q]

My T said that he thout my PTSD was from shaken baby syndrome, I cried so much about it because I felt guity that I was such an awful baby that they'd need to do that. So I took the blame for something that I really had no control over. I notice as I write this that my breathing is very shallow.

I withdrew from the family, left the country and am discovering it now, after all these years. Even if I know I didn't cause them to be that way I can understand the frustrations of a difficult baby. I feel lucky that I wasn't damaged more and that I had enough will not to totally shutdown at the time. It doesn't make any of this easier knowing how it came about, or maybe it does but I don't want to accept it and don't like that I caused them to hurt me. I still haven't gone through much to do with this knowledge, partly because my T hadn't expect my reaction so it's laying low for now.

I stay clear of relationships because I pick the same type of guy even if I think I'm not, so for a long time I've quit, it would help if I could work through a relationship at the same time, I'm sure, but there are those intimate issues that make it all too much. I can be so wrong when I think someone is right, they tend to show the real person as they try to take control, that's when I realize what I'm in it, again.

Reprogramming, I'm working on it, it's a full time job and hard work,

Heather

 

[Grama-Herc]

In observing the on again/off again reactions my daughter has towards me I tend to agree with you.

I see her slip into an almost "mother overload" phase and she starts to get frustrated with me. It happens every few months and I can usually see it coming. The usual duration is a few days to a week. After figuring out what was going on it no longer upset me, but it was hard to deal with at first.

I am a little concerned lately though. My daughter is just not in communication with me at all. Not sure if I have said or done anything wrong. I am trusting that this feeling is the ptsd "guilt gremlin" and everything is OK and she is just busy. It has been several weeks since I've heard from her. I have sent a couple of emails asking if everything is OK but I get no response.

So I really think you have stumbled onto the parent "overload" issue. It makes sense to me especially taking into account how I treated MY KID. She yearns to be close, but if she gets to relaxed with me it is like she pulls back before I break her heart again. Does that make sense?

So, all I can do it give her the space she obviously needs and hope for the best

 

[Nicolette]

She yearns to be close, but if she gets to relaxed with me it is like she pulls back before I break her heart again. Does that make sense?

Makes perfect sense Grama Herc but you are doing well as you are open and facing the mistakes you made and that takes a lot of strength and will help both of you.

 

[midi]

It really depends on a variety of factors. My parents (and the rest of my blood relatives) will always see that I was to blame for anything they went through regarding me. Every act of dysfunction they did towards me was and will always be my fault, simply by the sheer fact that I'm unfortunately a female. It doesn't matter what I do. It's their beliefs or the highway - plus, if there isn't any money in it for either one of them, they don't lift a finger, even if you've been hit by a truck and are lying in the emergency room. They have done nothing wrong - neglect, malnutrition, serving you up to their friends etc... that's all expected treatment in the redneck community. The only thing wrong is the girl who fights it.

On my end, my son wants nothing to do with them ever again. The last time he saw my mother, he spent several days throwing up from the stress. I've quit drinking, but if I were to speak to my mother again, I'd be wasted in less than half an hour.

They used to tell me the story about the first time I tried to run away... I was still in diapers, in a crib - I hid behind the crib and the wall. It took them hours to find me. My "mother" said she spanked me for so long and so hard that I never hid from her again.

 

[Jubilation4Me]

I've been going through these particular struggles with my mother for over 30 years. In the past, I've tried numerous times to get real answers from her about the long-term abuse she caused me to suffer in my life. According to her, I've just misunderstood things and gotten everything all wrong and been terribly confused......because, she NEVER did any such things......and I'm just being dramatic, wanting attention, and being a trouble-maker!

A few months ago, my mother and I had a series of arguments concerning one of my children. I really lost it and asked that she leave my home. She persisted to argue with me and try to control me, my family, and my home. This wasn't really unusual behaviour for her, or for that matter, me, considering the circumstances. She absolutely refused to go, as I'd asked her over and over again to leave. I finally demanded that she remove herself from my sight, my home, and my life until I gave her instruction to do otherwise. She argued and argued with me that she didn't have to go anywhere because she was the mother of the whole family and she was in charge of everybody and everything concerning all of us. Finally, the children convinced her that she did in fact need to leave. Reluctantly, she finally left. I know it was really hard for her obey my wishes, and feel defeat in the matter.

Things really spiraled out of control for me that day. cPTSD took control and I was in terrible shape for weeks. My family really suffered alot too. I made a vow that day, that I would not allow her to see me, call me, or have any contact with me whatsoever, until I decided otherwise! I have heard through outside family members that she is just in utter dis-belief that I'm still sticking to my word after all this time. I put up a boundary that day, and I will not allow her to cross it, even if it means having to call law enforcement to back me up. I realize this sounds absolutely crazy and stupid, but I feel that I have no other choice. I've set boundaries for her in the past, and she's never respected anything of the sort. She's always gotten her way.......not anymore! I'm 47 years old, and I deserve to be respected and treated properly by my abusive parent. I will not accept anything less from her ever again.

Yes, Nicolette, this is a very big, on-going struggle with me. But, I'm getting stronger and wiser every day! Many thanks to this forum for the help and moral support! I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine! I'm not the same person I was back when this happened......the light bulb turned on over my head and I actually saw it!
:wink::smile::wink:

 

[cat]

Thanks for this thread Nicolette its a subject I'm really struggling with at the moment.

When I was diagnosed with ptsd I had no idea how important the connection between my recent trauma (emotional & physical abuse by ex-husband) & my childhood was. I'd always understood I had a happy childhood, but it wasn't until talking to my psychologist & undergoing my first emdr session that it became clear that wasn't always the case. It came as quite a shock.
My emdr session revealed my first trauma as being smacked frequently by my Mum until I was a teenager & having deep welts on my legs. My T has also explained how being separated from both my parents through illness between the ages of 3&5 meant I didn't go through the attachment developmental stage. For as long as I remember I never felt Mums approval or any emotional attachment to her, I found it hard to accept her comforting me & I don't have any memories of her showing me any affection. I was frequently in trouble with her, she compared my to my 'perfect older sister & would blame me for anything that happened to my younger brother, I spent as much time as I could out of her way with Dad.
My mum died 3 years ago & in some respects I'm pleased that she's not here to see me go through this. A part of me would want to say, Why? was I just a difficult child, didn't she like or love me, or was it just circumstances that lead to this happening.

I've been having weekly sessions with my psychologist for 8mths & worked hard with my 're-programming', its tough, understanding how other people have treated me, especially when exploring my part in it. My next stage will be to decide whether to explore my childhood further. I have two schools of thought on this a) leave it alone, I was unaware of its importance before b) explore it so that I can have more understanding of it & move on. I'd be interested in any thoughts on this.

From my experience with my own children I know I've had to make a conscious effort to form a relationship with my daughter but not with my sons. when my youngest son was born my mum said' Oh how lovely, it's so wonderful to give birth to a son' make what you will from that, it only says one thing to me!

Thanks for reading, my trauma seems so trivial compared to so many of you here.

 

[pandora]

cat..please do not minimize your traumas. I said this to Nicolette too..it is all trauma and it is awful to us! No ones trauma is worse than another..You experienced it..yes, the circumstances are different in every situation but we all have to deal with the after affects. The PTSD..affects us all in different ways the fact is we all have to deal with how ptsd has changed our lives....

 

[kers]

perhaps one of the biggest struggles with CPTSD is coming to an acceptance that what the parents did was wrong and not that of the child. Normality for an abused child becomes a struggle in adulthood when they realise their thinking and views don't match the 'normal' ones and they end up in unhealthy relationships themselves.. The challenge...re-programming thought processes.

Although I wasn't abused by my parents, this still hold true. As you say, Nicolette, one of the biggest things I am working on is reprogramming the ideas that were set in my head for all those years--the ideas that I deserve to be punished, that I deserve to be tortured, that I am disruptive and rude and hurtful, that I have no self-control, that I am stupid and ugly and a bitch.

Over the years I took on my abuser's voice and told myself all the same things--after all, if he could say them and nobody countered them, they must be true. I spend so much time and energy in therapy and in my daily life trying to realize that those views have nothing to do with who I really am.

 

[This Ends Now]

Nicolette,

Thanks for the good thread.

I have been programed and re-programed many times. Each time is somewhat damaging. There are two aspects that I am afraid of.

First I am afraid of repeating patterns of abuse and self defense mechanisms that I learned to get me through those troubled times. For example when my grandmother would give me her credit card to buy groceries for the family I would spend as much as I could get away with since I did not know when the next time would be. Now I have to unlearn that when my life partner gives me his credit card to buy things. It is hard to learn to trust that the money will not be suddenly yanked away.

Second my last shrink told me that my mind had split because of the age, duration, and severity. Its confusing and probably part of why I do not remember some things. Journal writing has helped some with this because I can see things from the perspectives I have at different days. When I compare entries that do not seem to match I can identify where the splits have taken place and what they have evolved into so I can merge these fragments into a single "me" if that makes any sense.

 

[suzie q]

Something I learned in therapy was to not only re-program your thinking but to also learn how to keep yourself SAFE while dealing with others and the trauma.

I too found that I had fragmented. I knew the others were there, but they didn't know each other. It took me time and a treatment center to integrate these personalities. They will always be there but I have learned to keep my core self safe.

It wasn't until I had been married 6 years and in the middle of a lot of dysfunctional behaviors (both of us) until we tried to understand our past and present. Lots of individual and group therapy along with marital therapy.

I've often heard that you attract the same amount of healthy or unhealthy people proportionate to your dysfunction. I sure did. Losers and abusers for a long time.

I eventually found out how to forgive without forgetting. Forgetting seemed to approve of the bad behaviors. Forgiving allowed me to grow. That was the hardest re-programming of the mind I have done so far.

Great question. Thanks.

 

[Hen]

Thanks for posting that. I broke all contact wth my parents, it was the only way I could keep sane. It is hard as they still have contact wth the rest of the family who think I was a difficult child so I can't do famly events, I wasn't even invited to the last one. My step mother has recently asked my daughter (16) to tell me she would like to get together to sort it all out. She has no idea what she has done, she is in complete denial, she has said before i should get over it and move on! Also they have also found god who they say has forgiven them - for such a christian man my father is really racist and sexist and will break varying laws given the chance so this makes me think he is using god to suit his own ends. He has a power and control issue and he has this in a role in his church now.

I have been very lucky and have a husband who loves me so much. I am working with the psychologist as I struggle with it as I don't get why, but all I know is he does.