My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

I think I figured out what it is. My neighbor, who just moved in not long ago, has put a clock on their bedroom wall that adjoins mine. LOL... so I am hearing my neighbor's clock ticking!

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm falling into a depression, I can tell. I am having more and more trouble getting up in the mornings, more and more trouble reaching out to people and asking for help, all signs that my usual Bipolar depression is on its way. Since this one is coinciding with the onset of Fall, it could end up being a doozy as I also have Seasonal Affect Disorder, I hate the colder weather. I just hope and pray that it does not affect my job. I know sometimes when it has been the worst, a depression in general, I have just barely dragged myself out of bed in time to catch the bus. However, that was before I had a job. Now I have to deal with being responsible for ME as well as my client. God help me to do what is needed for my client, please. In the Name of Jesus, AMEN.

 

[Changing4Best]

I FEEL as if just about everyone here HATES me. I know this is probably not true, but it feels that way because I am depressed and feel like crying, but as usual I can't. I know everyone is tired of hearing about the bully that has so hurt me. I know I have been obsessed with this. I could not help it. It has been such a theme in my life, for something like 50 years or more, that it has just consumed me. I wish this all had never happened. However, I can't change what someone else chose to do to me. Nor could I change how I reacted to it, though I have tried. It has been way beyond my control. So I am sad today. I feel deserted and unloved and uncared about. I feel as if no one has really understood what I have been through, except maybe a few of you who have been bullied too.

My eyes are wet a little, but the tears won't come. They almost come, but then something stops them as always. I feel a deep pain in my chest too. THe same kind of deep pain I felt when my husband died. It is rare that I feel this deeply of grief. In fact, the tears are blurring my vision now, and they have rested right under my eyes. Finally 2 tears fell. One from each eye. And 2 more.... I am finally able to cry!

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a cry... I also must say that I have had suicidal ideation today as well. Not a lot. Just one or two thoughts of it, more the kinds of thoughts that just wish I were dead, not the kinds where I am thinking about how I would make that happen. I have no plan. However, I do wish I were dead. I don't want to go on living this way. However, I am not thinking of doing anything with those thoughts, it is just that they are there. I cannot change them. I don't even want to change them. I feel this way and this is just how I feel.

Part of the reason is that I feel as well that everyone at the place where I work hates me too. My boss hates me, and maybe the only person who does not hate me is my client. He is not capable or hate. Everyone else, however, has taken the side of the bully. He is everyone's little darling now, because he has made it his business to befriend everyone at the top of the chain of command. He is even seeing the woman who is in the number 2 position there on the chain of command. And since I am the "low man on the totem pole" I am a nobody.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to stay home and stay in bed all day. However, for my client and my client alone, I will do my best to go. He deserves my help. If it were not for him and his needs, however, I would QUIT!

 

[Changing4Best]

The SI is not as bad as it was, since I cried. I have not been able to cry since my father's death, several years ago, so thank you, myptsd.com for this place in which to cry and for helping me to do so!

 

[Changing4Best]

I may have forgotten to mention, but I will be seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday and on Thursday is my intake eval for Trauma Therapy. So there is hope. I assume I will be put onto an antidepressant and some of my other meds may get adjusted. I do not know.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Is there anything you have done in the past that has slowed the onset of your seasonal depression...more sun (tanning booth), walking, coloring...new hobby.?

I'm always impressed when people can accurately forecast their own spiral. This gives you an opportunity to do things differently...hell it gives you a fighting chance. Sorry you are feeling this way.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have asked several people if they think bullying has to be physical and they said no. It can be verbal (or words to that affect). I also might add that the bully was threatening to me in his stance and in his tone of voice, as well as his facial expression. I am not willing to discuss this further, but I did want to clarify that point, as it has been somewhat upsetting to have someone tell me that it has to be physical in order for it to be bullying. Actually, in my humble opinion, if it goes into being physical, that is when it falls over into what I call ABUSE. That is an abuser, when it gets physical. I have experienced both, sometimes in the same person, and sometimes not. In general, in other words, my abusers were also bullies, as well as being abusers. I can tell the difference. To me, bullying is emotional abuse. So it is a type of abuse, yes. That is how I see it all. Just to clarify. Others are entitled to their opinions. I know some will disagree.

 

[Changing4Best]

Hi @Bleev! Nice to see you here. Yes, I have a chance to change things, you are so right. I do crochet. I might try some of that. I wish I could color or do my art, but the Lyme Disease has caused my hands to have neuroapthy and so I can no longer do my art. I have a lot to yarn though, so thanks for the suggestion. I will try. I know that doing ANYTHING can help me out of this, I agree with that concept.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am no longer feeling suicidal. I thought you all might like to know. The crying helped to relieve that, as did doing something, so thanks for the suggestion, @Bleev.

 

[Changing4Best]

I got to say that I crocheted my hair into what I was crochetting, and so I had to tear it out and recrochet it. LOL... now if I could just redo the last 6 months of my life like that I would have it made!

That is one thing about we bipolars, we can cry and laugh in the same day, even the same hour sometimes. You never know what we will do next, in fact, I have no idea what kind of mood I will be in tomorrow when I wake up. Only God knows that!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Saying prayers for you today.:hug: