Do you ever think that maybe nothing happened to you?

[Deleted member 541]

No, I’ve always known that there was abuse, beatings, molestation and rape in my world. Denial wasn’t part of it...

 

[mumstheword]

I totally get that. I am so used to second guessing myself .

It's actually.more second questioning myself, to be more accurate. I have to go back over facts and remind myself or else I'm having trouble believing my own reality.
I also have gotten a lot of "you're crazy" from those same people, especially my kid's dad, so I've been conditioned to completely distrust my sense of reality.
My parents also just plain ignore and avoid and deny and dissociate and minimize and kind of dehumanize me, so I'm having time out from them in my life, right now.
I think they are both very far out there and it kind of sends me to off the planet just having to deal with them.
I don't even know how I got so darned screwy but there's never been a time I felt truly connected and safe. But I am working on it with my man, who I utterly adore and he adores me. He has a brain injury though, from having his head bashed in and multiple other horrid traumas of his own, that he's lived through. So it's a matter of much peer support and being each other's carer, as well.

But just for clarity's sake, i will say that I do remember, some of it.

For instance I remember having a gun held at me at three, my mum being a screaming, abusive, violent mother (or just very frightening, emotionally, consistantly), numerous boyfriends of hers being violent, being left with abusive people, or just left in terror in cars or separate buildings at night, having reoccurring, incredibly vivid nightmares and being yelled at to go away from a shut door in another building from where I had to sleep, when I tried to get comfort (that was all when i was under 5). Being held down by my stepfather and threatened with a hack saw while he beat me (9),( i had tried to defend my mother). Having a guy hold me down and nearly strangle me (16) (he had drugged me with daytura and had sex with me prior to that, the strangling was when I started losing it after days of the drugging and f*cking/drugged-raping).

Lots of other horrible stuff, but lots I don't remember or will go into later, somewhere else. I just wanted to clarify that it's not all hazy or not remembered.

Sorry if this was an.inappropriate thread to make these admissions. I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a completely vague PTSD mess, I'm a somewhat sometimes lucid PTSD mess.:-)

I think it's that protective mechanism that people have mentioned above, that keeps us (or at least me, bcuz I can only really speak for myself) a bit detached or disbelieving.

 

[GlassBison]

Yup, it happens to me all the time and makes me feel crazy, but I'm not. I think it's a way of protect...

I always feel anxious and guilty, like what if I ruined my relationship with my Dad for no reason.

It's actually.more second questioning myself, to be more accurate. I have to go back over facts and...

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

 

[Victory]

I can see where these thoughts would upset you and make you doubt your reality. Has your dad ever tried to discuss his relationship with you?

 

[GlassBison]

I can see where these thoughts would upset you and make you doubt your reality. Has your dad ever trie...

No.
He had a spy app on my phone, so once I told my brother that my father raped me he (father) cut off all contact.

 

[AllSheWouldntSay]

I can relate.
In addition to being invalidated, the abuse seemed “normal” because every fiber of my being (and life) is tied with it. There was a lot of unintentional neglect too. I have a lot of conflicting feelings because I love my family, but they’re the ones who started the cycle (not on purpose). So denial and minimizing things helps me to maintain the relationships, it’s too painful otherwise.

 

[shatter eyes]

.. i guess i am at the right place. This post is exactly what i go thru back and forth.

Its really fkd up cycle for me. I feel like i am full of shit, then i wonder if i am crazy, then if i am crazy why would i even wonder and care, then i start thinking maybe i am better off crazy so i can smile and sit in park feed the birds enjoy life.... then its ends with me getting a storm of emotions telling myself NO i am NOT crazy, what happen was wrong and i DESERVE answers and help to get better.

No answers and hit n miss help is exhausting... it is easier to trick myself it never happen. It is all in my silly head.

 

[AllSheWouldntSay]

Nah. You’re not alone. I was telling my therapist that I don’t know what’s normal. And I never thought I was abused or anything (denial + lack of information = I’m fine hahahah), but I was starting to realize things. Like it’s “normal” to be picked on by older siblings and their friends. It’s “not normal” for people to defecate on my belongings, make me eat cigarettes, etc.
what helped me to see it was she reframed it. Instead of normal vs not normal ask myself ‘is it kind? Is it healthy?’ That helped me to understand a lot.
Disorganized relationships and inner conflict are “symptoms” or “aftershock” with trauma; especially prolonged instances over decades.

 

[Victory]

Gosh, it sounds to me that ending your relationship with your father was the only intelligent and safe thing to do. Could it be that your doubts are reflecting your longing for a normal relationship with him rather that the rotten one you were dealt? A relationship that he messed up, not you?
I have bouts of this where I sit at the kitchen table and imagine having a pleasant conversation with my mother. I bury all the painful memories and tell myself that if we could just sit for a few minutes alone, that everything would be all right. Then reality comes crashing in and I realize that attempting to have a relationship with someone as dangerous as her is the equivalent of hand-feeding a tiger. That would not be smart, nor would it be healthy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Not anymore. I have my feelings and mixed up thoughts for my evidence, I did not make this up. I accept that I am messed up from trauma.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

That's ok honey :-) thank you. I don't think you have to be sorry, we are all here because horrible things happened to us and we are in the same boat. I get what you mean though and i appreciate it :-)
It truly sux what you have had to live through too, but I think we are both dealing with it the best way we can and the best way we know how to, right now.

This here, this forum and addressing the reality that we suffer this condition is only going to empower us, if we be proactive and research our condition and how people are recovering, I feel.
So although I feel the doubting oneself is a way of disconnecting and self protecting from the horror of what people have done to us, i think it's also something to address because denial is not a truly health-building, empowering thing to practise, in the long run.

Those people that practise that kind of denial, or invalidation of our reality, that gaslight and undermine our sense of what's real; are to be addressed mindful, they are lacking in honesty and are falling prey to cowardice and it's not coming from a place of integrity, to not own up to the damage they've caused.

I have taken very strong steps to protect myself from their damaging, dehumanizing influence. And I am feeling better for it.

 

[Kopykat]

Yes, this has happened to me quite a bit and I am starting to piece things together the more I talk about it out loud. Also my family, dad specifically is great at gaslighting so that really complicates things. It really sucks and sorry you have to go through it.