Have you researched your abuse?

[Deleted member 8714]

the thing that I researched the most is ptsd

Had I known that was one of my problems besides the abuse, I would've researched it in addition to SRA, RA, and serial killers. I also read up on daughters abuse by fathers as that was a major part of my abuse.

 

[jaccat]

A couple of years before T, I did. It started off more about filling in the blanks in my own history- big chunks of my past. There was no one left who could tell me what I wanted to know, which made me feel like I didn't know who I was. Along the way I picked up lots of other information.

Since I started therapy I've not read much outside what my T's suggested for me, which has all been PTSD-related reading. I think that's because I wasn't ready to face any more facts about my past. That's beginning to change again.

 

[Friday]

Now that I think about it, the thing that I researched the most is ptsd

<grin> You know, that's funny, because I did the opposite... Until a couple of years ago. I full stop refused to learn anything about PTSD or trauma related disorders. All the ancillary stuff? No worries. But the moment shit got close to home? I bailed. Both IRL (I actually dated a couple trauma therapists?) & in academics. Some of my university classes even had trauma & PTSD sections, and I would literally just stand up and walk out of class. Common sense the answers on the test. (Long term effects of trauma are just common sense, right? No personal experience or observation being drawn here at all :rolleyes: ) But I refused to read or listen to one word about it. I'm FINE. Fine, fine, fine, fine, go away. Lalalalalala can't hear you! :bag: I HAD to keep shit at least one degree removed away from me. If the distance wasn't there, I created it, by physically removing myself. At speed. It wasn't something I was very aware of at the time. In fact, I probably would have argued I wasn't doing that (actually the ex boyfriends can confirm the arguing part, come to think of it). In retrospect the whole dang thing is as obvious as a Roadrunner Cartoon... With me? Suddenly being elsewhere. Beep! Beep! Zooooooooom.

 

[The Albatross]

I researched yeah... for the same reason as the first respondent but not heavily or extensively. I found way too many variables and a lot of stuff for me that was just unable to be validated because of my blanks independently. So I kept the scope to what I knew, what I remembered to be facts. BUT I did so for a fairly limited time so as to stick to my purpose without feeding into the emotional crap.

 

[Scarlet13]

I researched narcissism and narcissistic mothers. This was eye opening to me and really helped me get some of myself back.
There were so many explanations for things happening that were about me being a burden, a disgusting piece of shit. I caused all the bad things to happen. But a little research into narcissism shows how this is more of a blaming act that comes out of my mother's npd. Yes, this is a diagnosis that she has not officially gotten, but she never will. I have talked it over with therapists and she fits so well with npd and this is very healing and eye opening for me.
Now, when she guilt trips me, controls me, and makes herself into the victim, that research helps me not to internalize her behavior.

 

[mumstheword]

I've done research into trauma, what it does to the brain, sociopaths/psychopaths and narcissists, familial alienation, and the condition itself and I found it all really useful.

Especially stuff about socio/psychopaths and narcissists, as I could help my kids be less gaslit and manipulated by their father

I've also read books about abducted children, and people who were sexually abused as children and yes, very triggery.

Starting the book on trauma had me crying my eyes out and feeling broken when I started it. I had to put it down for quite a few years before picking it up again. But I can't seem to get enough of books about socio/psychopaths, it feels very empowering to understand and identify, kind of vindicating and proactive somehow.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I have looked into stuff as it related to me and I didn't understand so I needed more info.

My t made a comment early on that my reaction was very common for those with history of abuse. My internal response was that she has it all wrong - "that wasn't abuse - I was a bad kid"
Sounds stupid but I needed to look up what was considered abuse. I wouldn't have labeled my experiences as that and I was so wrong. Then so many more pieces fell into place.

Didn't get that trauma would have a later impact so I researched that. Needed to know what was PTSD - ignorantly thought it was only relevant for soldiers or horrific terrifying events I.e.: shootings,etc-( that was how I found this site)
Needed to look into dissociation as that certainly wasn't happening to me. Looked up Lots of words that therapist would say or when I received a handout and I didn't understand it or much of. Often I looked up stuff thinking I would tell my therapist she was wrong but then learned there was so much more going on.

I did need to be in a space to process because it would be triggering (now that I get what that is)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I did research for a very long time and could'nt get enough reading to satisfy me. But eventually I switched over to what was more helpful and useful to my healing process.

 

[Freida]

I did a ton of research and some of it worked really well to help me understand that what I was feeling was normal. Not right off the bat, but as I read and reread it it kind of sunk in. But I couldn't find anything that seemed to fit my situation so I got stuck in the "I must be exaggerating" cycle.

Then one day I landed on a law enforcement classroom website and found myself described to a T under the chapter
"How to interview victims of sexual sadists. " It blew me away. It was exactly what had happened - right up to the part where a suspect said he did CPR on his victim because he wasn't done with her yet. I found the site about a year ago and I'm still struggling with what it says (as in -- this is the first time I've ever written the words sexual sadist outside of my journal, it makes me want to puke and I can't stop shaking because I know no one will believe me.)

I don't know if it hurt or helped. While I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing I was a poster child for a specific crime category, it helped explain why I felt so lost and confused when I was reading other sites. It really helped explain some of my PTSD reactions that seemed excessive. It made me see my T was right when she said my denial was stalling the healing process. When I began to doubt my sanity I could pull it back up and see how my symptoms matched their expectations of a victim interview. And yes - there was some obsessing at first

But it also made me feel worse, because it forced me to see my situation for what it was. I've spent years trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad, that I was just overreacting, that it was a quick one-time incident and he let me go. Please please please don't think I'm saying anyone else's story was somehow less awful or that I'm dismissing what other's have gone through. 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 decades -- its horrible no matter what. I'm just trying to explain how my brain reacted when I found the site. There it was - in black and white. And it didn't make me feel any better.

I'd warn you to be careful, but I don't think you can. That's the joys of the internet, you never know what you might find. Research is really a crap shoot. Just be aware that if you find yourself described in place you never expected it might be really, really hard

I'm gonna go throw up now.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I did a ton of research and some of it worked really well to help me understand that what I was feeling...

Brave of you to post. Meaning sharing while it continues to haunt you. My rape was also a one time horrible event, which I believe might fit into that category. Pondering the need to research that. I guess because that is how my mind works.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus Not being sarcastic here... I lived my f*cking abuse, I don’t need to research it. It happened..... WHY doesn’t really do me any good to know. I just need to pick up the pieces of the aftermath....

 

[Sideways]

@She Cat - that was really helpful because I think it's clarified what the issue is for me. And part of it? Is definitely wanting to understand the cult background, so that I can put my abuse in better context.

But the real issue is definitely the hypnosis. It's still my most pronounced trigger. I'm definitely fearful of it. And I think that's because I feel like I don't know. I can't remember what was being done exactly, what the purpose was, why he used it, what it did, how it works.

The stuff that I remember, that I've recorded and understand? Like child sex abuse just as a thing on it's own? I don't need to research that. I was there for it, I know what happened, the nature of it, the damage it did. Got a pretty good handle on that through sheer first hand experience.

But I woukd like there to be less unknowns about the hypnosis part, because I really don't understand it at all, and I think the great unknown perpetuates that fear.

Not gonna plunge headfirst, because that'd just be an exercise in self-destruction. But I think at some point, understanding it better, feeling bg like I know about that the same way I know about csa, would help me put that part of it behind me.

There's definitely part of me that straight up just wants to know "What did he do with the hypnosis and how do I undo that!?" But mostly I think the fear comes from just not understanding it, or how it works.