Wondering Why My Spouse Is Still With Me

[Allen-deckard]

Does anyone else wonder why their spouse is still there with them?

I mean I guess I know I am a dud party pooper anymore.

Is she hoping it's gonna get better. Does it not bother her?

Sucks I know what I am doing wrong I'm not a happy person anymore I dont make her laugh anymore and I cant do anything about it. What keeps her here. Is it guilt? Is it a feeling of obligation?

I have to say if she wasn't here I wouldn't be and she knows that.

Well I guess that was just a vent of what was on my mind.

 

[helena]

I know why I stay - I imagine it's the same for her.

She loves you

Take care

Helena

 

[Dylan]

Hi Allen,

Yes, I've actually had this thought many times. Just the other day, in fact, I wondered about that....does she ever feel exhausted thinking about living with me for the rest of our lives; is she sorry she ever got into this mess with me? Does she despair, when the hard times seem to stretch on and on, that I'll ever just be there and be ok?

Yeah, I sometimes wonder about this...

-Dylan

 

[armygf]

Hi Allen,

My sentiments are Helena's exactly.

I love my girlfriend, and even though there are rough times that are hard to get through, there are priceless times that I wouldn't give up for a million dollars.

And even in the rough times, even when she's struggling, being with her is a million times better than being with anyone else, because I look in her eyes and behind all the trauma and pain, I can see everything we've built together, I can see her love, and I can see hope for our future together.

So, even if you can't find a way to love yourself right now, I'm sure your wife loves you, and that's why she's with you, not out of a sense of obligation or duty.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[helena]

I posted the abovereply because it is usually how I respond whenever anyone (dares) to ask me why I stay.

But then I thought a bit more about your question and I would say for most of us dealing with ptsd, it is usually a two-way street. Many of us get so much from the relationships with our sufferers - even when it is truly bad - because those experiences often force us to grow and look at ourselves in a way that we probably never would if we were in different situations. I know that can often sound trite, but I know how much I have changed as a result of being a carer.

Apart from all that, remember carers have their own issues, problems, temperaments and so I imagine your role with your wife often intertwines so I wouldn't unnecessarily beat yourself up over being ill. You're here which means you care enough to want to get better

 

[NarcSis]

I often feel like you do about my husband - how has he not just cut his losses and moved on....the answer is really just that simple, He loves me and he'd walk through fire to be with me - and that he's doing.

There are days when it is just too hard for me to see this and there are days when believing this is next to impossible, but that is just depression. When you notice you are depressed, honestly, don't listen seriously to anything you say. Let her know that if you hurt her when you are depressed, or angry or frustrated, its the PTSD driven emotion speaking and not you.

You love her. She loves you. Simple, don't over analyze it, just accept it.

 

[Allen-deckard]

thanks guys it's tough.

Guess I feel bad for one she is 8 years younger than me. Its not the age thing as much as I think in my mind she should be out partying having fun mingling ect.

Then the obvious ptsd thing.

Then the disability I have which could put me back into a wheel chair at any moment and she knows this as much as me since she married me when i was in the wheelchair worked my way out of it after a few years and now am lookin at going back to it.

I feel robbed of my youth many-o-day since this all started when I was like 21 and now being over 40 I look at what everyone does and what I'm missed out on in life and feel like I bring her down to my level instead of me rising to hers.

I know she loves me.

Course I know logically that I'm not gonna get attacked in a large crowed but I still cant go to walmart or any crowded place.

Sometimes just shouting logical things at yourself just doesn't seem to help. The mind is a terrible thing sometimes.

 

[shiraz]

It is not easy to keep perspective, but hang onto the good moments and remember them when you are down. I bet she is doing the same. don't give up hope - things can get better with time.

 

[Grainne]

Just so you guys know - this thread made think of my husband, and all he does for me...all he 'puts up with' and it brought tears to my eyes. I've just sent him a text telling him I love him so much....

I feel the same way all the time. I sometimes ask him why he stays...he just smiles at me and shakes his head and says 'wouldn't you do it for me'? The answer is easy to come up with...YES. In a heartbeat.

 

[Dylan]

Thanks, Grainne, for your post.

I needed that reminder and it really hit home: "...says 'wouldn't you do it for me'? The answer is easy to come up with...YES. In a heartbeat".

Absolutely.

-Dylan

 

[melody]

Hi Dylan,

I also feel the same way about my partner... I mean who would want to be with someone that's afraid of their own shadow? Someone that can't do simple tasks (on most days) like pick up a bag of milk? It almost sounds crazy... And I also wonder if he stays because he hopes that one day, I will "get over" this. But when I ask him why he stays... He tells me he waited his whole life for someone like me and he's never going to let me go.

Melody

 

[sidekick]

I go through mixed feelings on my my husband stays. After what I did/said to him after he was on the plane on friday (I did/could not say those things to his face), it was like it was another person saying them.........they were absolutely horrible things. I was filled with rage at him for going back to his parents house where the abuse happened to my daughter. He did nothing to ME though. Has done nothing but LOVE me and treat me with tenderness and kindness since him fnding out that I have PTSD and him researching it and learning how to deal with me.

Why does he stay, he has asked me this himself and asked himself often. Including this weekend. He says he loves me. Most days I believe that. Other days I wonder if it is because he is as screwed up as me and needs me to be him? Does that make sense? He does not come from a healthy family either. I wonder if that is my paranoia or ptsd talking. But he has changed so much and handles everything while I "deal" with my junk....I just don't have a clue why he stays.

I sure would leave me if I could. No way in hell would I put up with my verbal abuse.........been there done that and left.................