Do I Have A Right To Ask My Spouse To Not Disclose My Ptsd To Others?

[mamachick]

For me, there is almost a distinct line in time when things changed, it was not on a particular day but the changes occurred over the course of about a month. Like Junebug, asking for help became fear provoking, anxiety, and even panic, where it had not been before. It got harder to ask for anything. I began feeling as though my needs were overlooked by everyone, as though I was invisible and had died in the accident that I was in. I was in physical pain and believed that I needed to keep going because there was nobody there to help. Others were going about life as usual and my life was changed drastically. With all of this going on, can I honestly say that I am there for others? I have meant to be but when asking for help feels so awful and the "what ifs" start-its really all about me. I am not bad for these feelings, I am normal for what has happened. Getting back to the balance is a motivation for me. Don't know the answer but will keep trying

 

[Justyna]

@hazen
Honestly, no. Me, speaking as the spouse of a PTSD veteran, I don't think so. It can be respected, but from our side, we need help too. If people suffer PTSD, their parter will too. Not in the same way, but they have the affect too, because they see you suffering. Sometimes one can only handle so much, so we need help... My husband doesn't like me disclosing or talking about his PTSD to my friends, but that's the only way that I can get comfort, from my friends. And counseling. I'm sorry but your partner has a right to talk about it.

 

[Hashi]

Firstly, just to flag that this thread has been revived from 2011. Original participants might not still be around the forum.

@Justyna, as a sufferer I get comfort from my friends without having told them I have PTSD or even that I've experienced trauma. I tell them I have anxiety or depression, I tell them I'm struggling, I tell them the things that are relevant. They're aware this is as much as I want to say, and they accept that and support me.

To talk specifically about PTSD there's counselling, and anonymous places like this forum. This is true for supporters, just as for sufferers. I think a sufferer's wishes about disclosure should be respected, unless they're a danger to themselves or others. I also think there are many things that can be said that don't require talking about PTSD - and the extent of these might be something that can be discussed and agreed.

If it's tough on you to not disclose to other people, then it's tough on you. That doesn't make it a right to do so.

 

[Lucycat]

My Husband does not disclose my CPTSD and I do not disclose his depression.

With one exception.

He found this really hard, and we had some heated debate about it, but I did disclose his depression to my T. I felt it important in the realms of my recovery and healing, I wasn't discussing it as idle gossip, but as to how it impacts on me. The difficulty for him is that my T is his friend. Tough Shit! Sorry but that makes no difference and T is very professional and would never let on to my husband that he even knows. Husband knows I told T because I said so not through any indiscretion on the part of T.

Likewise if Husband felt the need to discuss my health with any Health Professional, for his own means, I would accept that.

I think the important thing is to have a frank discussion between sufferer and supporter and decide on your own boundaries.

 

[Justyna]

@Hashi, I totally understand where you are coming from. My situation is that my husband is not reaching out to anyone. Not even his friends. He is slowly declining and me saying that we need help is not helping. So we are stuck... And I have no other way to mention to my two closest friends that I am suffering from his suffering... I do respect his wishes by not telling everyone, but I feel that my best friends are there for a reason. This is all new to me and hard to understand where to go and how.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I think you do have the right to keep your PTSD diagnosis to yourself, however, I do also think that your partner should talk with you before dislosing your diagnosis to anyone else. I know with my boyfriend, he has spoken to his mother about me and my symptoms but he would never, ever, speak to anyone about the cause of my symptoms. He only speaks to his mother and a friend about my symptoms because it helps him cope with it and not get overloaded. However, like I said, my boyfriend spoke to me before talking about it to anyone else and I used that opportunity to make sure he knew my boundaries on how much he could disclose (I didn't want him telling anyone personal things that I was hesitant to even tell him - i.e. what my nightmares are, certain triggers that occur between me and him, and of course the cause of all of the above). He understand that and I trust him (albeit this is difficult) to not say anything more than he feels nessecary.

Like what Lucycat said, it is very important to speak to your supporter (or speak to the sufferer) and make sure you know where you stand with what you can and cannot tell other people. I think this goes with many illnesses/disorders in both the physical and mental spectrum (i.e. physical disabilities all the way through to mood disorders).

 

[Lionheart]

I haven't read this whole thread so I hope I am not repeating stuff......

Still, I want to say that I believe you have the right to keep your diagnosis to yourself. It is personal and private and need not be broadcast to anyone, if you do not wish it to be. As harsh as that might seem it is my firm belief that a sufferer has that right.

At the same time, I think it behooves us to think of our partner(s) and to carefully consider letting some small details about our trauma be disclosed...If and When it seems safe and appropriate to us, (the sufferer).

Just my 2 cents, Please take it for what it is...just my personal opinion.

peace,
Lion

 

[Aching65]

this is an old thread, but i seem to have lost my GF recently diagnosed with child abused PTSD, because of this exact problem. She developed it 2 years into the relationship, 25 years after the events which seem to have been multiple. We are still not living together due to numerous factors, but we were slowly building a really nice relationship. But One day she just left saying she did not feel anything for me anymore and did not know why. I know she told me it was a secret and did now want anyone to know.

But facing this problem, and this amount of rejection, we talked a lot and i thought she might be suffering with PTSD. She did refuse to go to therapy. Out of desperation i reached for her close friends to try to ask for guidance, and was told she was a very private person and to just wait let her deal with her issues.

She got very upset, but eventually agreed to get therapy. Withdrawal, come backs have since been constant. I have been hurting so much, been losing sleep, weight, had work related issues, and often she would just disappear, stop talking, refuse to pick up the phone etc... making communication pretty difficult. I eventually spoke to a friend-psychiatrist to ask about information about PTSD treatment, and about EMDR, and she got extremely upset when I told her, threatening to call the police if I was not leaving immediately. I was so lost and upset that I spoke to my ex-wife about it. She is the closest friend I have and only "family ". She also is studying to become a councillor and with whom I remained very good friend. All of them very trustworthy. And I also see a councillor for my own support.

Well she recently found out i spoke to the ex wife while going trough my texts messages, and has broken up saying she has no trust in me, I have proven again and again that I was not safe to her as i talked about her private stuff without her consent. I was the first guy to ever do that.

Somehow i do understand her point, But I feel I was facing a wall with nowhere to go to but deep depression, and was really trying to talk about my problems and find a way to support her the best way I could. I did not understand the point of secrecy which I did not get from the different books i read, and i only understood the deep meaning of my bad behaviour reading this web site, which i discovered two weeks ago.

so i raise several questions... Does she have the right to compare my behaviour to her exes who have the chance to never have experienced her full blown PTSD. She certainly had a few flashbacks, but she probably has been able to control them as she never needed therapy. It seems I am the only bad one, not worth having a relation with...

Why is it that she just refuses to see that me reaching out, although it was hurtful to her, was not spiteful, but meant to try to help, me the average joe, with until recently so little understanding about the real issues she was facing. This has been going on since end of january 2014, and she only started therapy 2 months ago, and I am starting to be really tired...

Thirdly her therapist seems to have told her again and again that I had no right to tell anyone about her personal health issues which are classified and that I was proving again and again that I was not acting lovingly. Really ? I am going trough therapy, I am reading as much as I possibly can, She screams at me, ignores me for days, and I answer again and again that I love her, I help her and her family financially and am there whenever they need me.... and this councillor is telling her how toxic I am ? And to make things more confusing my own therapist is telling me it is ok to reach, but my mistake was to tell her. I am confused.....

 

[catjudo]

And I also see a councillor for my own support.

If you needed help, support, better understanding, then this is where your quest should have began and ended. You have your own therapist...that would have been a private place to get reliable information. To go to her friends, your psychiatrist friend, your ex-wife...that just seems to me more than necessary to seek information and support for yourself. In my opinion, given the circumstances as you've described them, I would say you did violate her privacy in a way that wasn't necessary.

 

[Aching65]

@catjudo yes thank you I do appreciate that. I believe every therapist should forward their client to this web site. I have found a lot of great information right on here which explained pretty much everything I have been faced with. I have read a lot of books, and a lot of web sites information, but never realized how much privacy was important, and how much it meant from the safety feeling perspective. It unfortunately might just be too late for me...

 

[Meadowsweet]

In the end I can understand why she told her close friends about it: she has to deal with my sleepless nights and she helps me along and needs to be able to process it. I ended up telling her to please be sensitive about it and tell me about her disclosures afterwards.

The fact that you both talked about it is healthy.

Yes, you do have a right to ask your partner not to disclose a diagnosis. And your partner has a right to talk about what she finds difficult to cope with in her life.

What the quote above shows to me, is that rather than one dominating the other, you have talked about it, found understanding for each others needs, and reached a compromise. I think recognising that she needs an outlet to talk, but asking that she does so in a sensitive manner and is open and honest with you about it, is very healthy for you both.

It's good to hear a positive resolution.

 

[catjudo]

@Meadowsweet not sure if you realized this, but this thread was originally from three years ago. The person who started it, and who you're responding to, hasn't been on the forum since then. It was recently revived by new members.