Do I Have A Right To Ask My Spouse To Not Disclose My Ptsd To Others?

[hazen]

Yesterday I discovered that my wife had told a couple of her close friends about my PTSD. Upon hearing this I became anxious and scared... it took all of my concentration to stay calm, but I was certainly agitated.

We talked about it for a good hour, and there was plenty of crying to go around. I was having a hard time staying in the moment but we got thru it. The crux of it is that my wife has also dealt with PTSD issues as well, and her family would often ask her to hide things from outsiders, and my asking her to not disclose my PTSD to others made her feel that way again. So its obviously complicated.

In the end I can understand why she told her close friends about it: she has to deal with my sleepless nights and she helps me along and needs to be able to process it. I ended up telling her to please be sensitive about it and tell me about her disclosures afterwards.

But since one of my issues is always trying to take care of everyone around me at my own expense, am I being to lenient with this? I also still slightly feel that its MY damn problem and I should be in control of who knows it. Plus I'm still constantly minimizing my trauma so I still have a long way to go and having misgivings about this isn't helping.

Anyway, what do you think is reasonable?

 

[Lynx]

I have been married to my husband for 30 years and he only ever disclose to one friend (a nurse) any information about my PTSD, panic attacks etc. However, we had a frank talk about exactly this issue before it became a problem. Simply, I didn't want to be blindsided by someone knowing something potentially hurtful about me. Yet he did tell this one person, who is very discreet. I was fine by it because I knew he (the friend) would not pass it on or try to use the information against me. I realized that my husband needed this one person to lean on so he could get through the day with me.

I note you state she has told 'a couple' of her friends. What does that mean? Did she try and get some support from one and it didn't happen so she moved onto someone else. It may be your wife needs a professional to vent to so she can deal.

May I also address what happens if one of the friends tries to talk to you about it? My suggestion would be to take a deep breath and explain as calmly, and succintly, as possible as much as you are willing to. Make it completely matter-of-fact. If the person is someone who is trying to be helpful, or merely curious that should suffice. If, however, they are a problem person your matter-of-fact attitude should help make the whole thing less appealing (those types want the whole emotional drama to keep them entertained, don't give it to them).

Hope you guys can work through this.

 

[Kintsugi]

I would normally say, "YES! YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT!" because it's a medical privacy issue, but I also sympathize with the complexity of your predicament.

Perhaps she should just ask you before she says anything to anyone, and you can agree that you have the right to say yes or no on a case by case basis and with qualifiers (I do not want everyone and their mother to know that I am scared of the sound buses make when they stop and damn near hit the deck every time, so I may ask someone to leave this out).

 

[AngelaMarie]

You do have a right to privacy. I do not talk to people about my PTSD because they usually do not understand. I can understand both you and your wife in this situation. I understand also that she wants support. That is my humble opinion.

 

[anni]

It is genuinely a very tough call with this. I do not tell many people of my PTSD, not out of the 'shame of it all' but because you can generally see this veil consisting of misinterpretation coming into their faces. t's not paranoia, the thing is there and usually it's just too exhausting or too annoying to feel I need to justify myself by going into the whole educate the masses thing. I'll do it if I feel they're receptive, otherwise it's just something which further causes the distance between myself and others. This isn't about 'me',have just seen these reactions and it makes me anxious thinking the PTSD information might be shared without my knowledge. I'm honestly not paranoid, but am very, very selective as to who knows of my diagnosis these days. There are a few I'm extremely sorry I said a word to.

Having said that, I'm sure your wife doesn't feel that way and maybe had no clue there's this stigma ( or whatever it is ) attached to the diagnosis and was just wishing for support as a Carer. Perhaps just a discussion on this would be helpful, as well as pointing her to other Carers who really will 'get it' when she needs some support of her own-here for instance.

I hope today brings a little more peace for you both with this, and do take care,

Anni

 

[Lionheart]

I think you should be in control of who knows about your PTSD and I think a person ought to have to earn the right to know such a personal thing about us. It really isn't about being ashamed, it is more about the person needing to know and having the right to know it.

 

[catjudo]

If your PTSD is in any way affecting your wife then she deserves to be able to reach out for support. And I don't think that necessarily means directing her toward other "carers". If she already has some close friends then this is who she would naturally reach out to for support when she needs it.

I think there should be some basic rules. Something like, it's okay for her to share with a couple of her closest friends but you don't want it to become public knowledge. And/or, it's okay for a couple of her friends to know that you're struggling with PTSD and how that is affecting your wife but they don't need to know the details of your trauma. I think you get the idea...but I don't think it is okay to ask your wife to not talk to her friends about it at all when she very likely needs some support. JMO

 

[NIKI]

I don't think your wife has the right to tell her friends your private situation. If she needs support then she should talk to a T herself for help. If she tells her friends, then most likey they will tell someone else, and then they tell someone (you know that this does happen) and then your business is known by alot of people.

 

[Foxtrot]

I actually feel you handled this situation well, by talking about it. I think your reaction was correct, but so too was your action after your reaction. As a carer, I do know that having a support system, for me personally, is important, but I always try to be discreet and talk to only those whom I can trust without question.

 

[KP the nut]

IMHO, your wife as a carer needs support as well, and if she trusts these friends not to spread your PTSD around then she needs that as an outlet. She may not want to see a T herself but sometimes needs to talk with someone outside immediate family.

I think you handles the situation well, it is not an easy one.

 

[hazen]

Thank you all for your suggestions and opinions. Let me answer a few things about the situation:

I note you state she has told 'a couple' of her friends. What does that mean? Did she try and get some support from one and it didn't happen so she moved onto someone else. It may be your wife needs a professional to vent to so she can deal.

May I also address what happens if one of the friends tries to talk to you about it?

My wife told two of her closest friends, and these are people that I know fairly well and if she was going to tell two of her friends about it, I would likely pick these two people. She talks to them together and so it wasn't a situation where she moved on to another person. And my wife has her own T... but since she is both a Sufferer and a Carer, like me, it gets nice and complicated. I really understand her desire to have someone to talk to about these things... mostly because I have that same desire! I one of these friends tried to talk to me about it I would be surprised because I think they are generally both discreet people... but yes I should try to be prepared for that anyway.

I would normally say, "YES! YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT!" because it's a medical privacy issue, but I also sympathize with the complexity of your predicament.

Perhaps she should just ask you before she says anything to anyone, and you can agree that you have the right to say yes or no on a case by case basis and with qualifiers.

I brought up this idea that I wanted to her to ask me for permission before she told someone, and this did not go over well at all. Once again this has to do with her own childhood issues and knowing her as I do I realize that this is a valid feeling.

If your PTSD is in any way affecting your wife then she deserves to be able to reach out for support. And I don't think that necessarily means directing her toward other "carers". If she already has some close friends then this is who she would naturally reach out to for support when she needs it.

I think there should be some basic rules. Something like, it's okay for her to share with a couple of her closest friends but you don't want it to become public knowledge. And/or, it's okay for a couple of her friends to know that you're struggling with PTSD and how that is affecting your wife but they don't need to know the details of your trauma. I think you get the idea...but I don't think it is okay to ask your wife to not talk to her friends about it at all when she very likely needs some support. JMO

This, catjudo, is in fact what we essentially came to agree with. I can't deny that she would need to share how she feels with others... my biggest problem in the argument happened when my wife said "you don't really have friends that you can go to about these things, so you don't understand". And you know what? She's right. I don't have any close friends like that. I have friends, just not close ones. That comment stung, and I told her so, and she apologized... but I don't know if its the PTSD itself that makes me keep people at arms length, or just the fact that I'm married and don't make time for other people...

Anyway, she will practice discretion and tell me afterwards when she tells someone. I trust her completely. This was just the first time in a very long time that she did something that made me feel anxious and scared. It really rocked me to my core for a bit.

 

[Nicolette]

I think there should be some basic rules. Something like, it's okay for her to share with a couple of her closest friends but you don't want it to become public knowledge. And/or, it's okay for a couple of her friends to know that you're struggling with PTSD and how that is affecting your wife but they don't need to know the details of your trauma. I think you get the idea...but I don't think it is okay to ask your wife to not talk to her friends about it at all when she very likely needs some support. JMO

I whole heartedly agree with this and would like to point out a couple of things Sufferers may not identify with (IMHO).

• Firstly, sometimes you have to tell some people 'minor details' in order to explain a Sufferer's behavior (like them shutting down in front of them or isolating etc)
• Secondly, I don't know about others, but I can't afford to go and see a therapist every time I need to vent about things which may occur and affect my Sufferer. Also why is it ok to tell a therapist and not a trusted friend? I get a therapist is bound by professional ethics but isn't there a friend code to honor as well?
• Thirdly, hell yes, this affects us and if we can't talk about it we will implode. I can liken it to you having cancer. Yes it is worse for you who has the cancer but it takes it toll on all those close and if you expect them to go around like the secret service then how are they going to cope?
• Finally, I can take this to a ridiculous level, as I have a back injury, and throw the reverse back and say that Anthony cannot tell anyone about it. Then put us in a situation where disclosure of this injury is relevant (say bungee jumping) and he can't tell the person running the event about it even though it is medically relevant. Or I could be consistently doing something to aggravate my injury which is driving him insane, as he has to deal with me in pain, and is frustrated that I put myself in that position of causing myself pain in the first instance. He will need to talk to someone about it..... more so if I am unapproachable about it. :rolleyes:

To be honest if you took 10 people and told them you're partner had PTSD 8 or 9 of them would give you a blank look as if to say "what is that - I have no idea".

As for me, if I talk about PTSD with a trusted person, it's about my feelings about the isolation, my opinion on things which are happening, and analyzing things to try and work out what I can do to manage myself to try and not inflate situations. This would be normal in any marriage to say, avoid an argument over an issue when something the other person is doing is bugging you and you need to get it off your chest and telling them will not help the situation.

When I talk about PTSD it's generally not about what happened to cause the PTSD etc.....it's more about coping with symptoms and circumstances which affect us.

I get some of this would be a 'pride/esteem/privacy' issue especially due to the reaction of people towards mental health. I get you don't want people to know your dirty laundry but highlighting a very valid point.......

Once again this has to do with her own childhood issues and knowing her as I do I realize that this is a valid feeling.

...... here is something of your wife's situation which has been divulged by you for a purpose of explanation however did you seek her permission to disclose such information? I accept it is minimal in relation to PTSD however I have issues from my childhood which I see as my dirty laundry and some things I would not like others to know about. I point this out as an example of what you are actually asking of her and equality.

Also, as a final point......... I have PTSD too so I am in a position to offer my opinion.