Do I Have A Right To Ask My Spouse To Not Disclose My Ptsd To Others?

[Penguin]

Well, this may be a tad late, but thought my two cents may help someone in the future if they come across this thread.

I am a carer. To complicate things slightly, my partner and I maintain a long distance relationship. Because this is fairly new relationship I am just now getting a decent understanding of what is happening, despite my partner being very open from the start. It is one thing to be told things can happen it is another to wake up one day and not quite get why your partner cannot speak to you. She began isolating and I needed to "get" what she couldn't share with me, despite wanting to. So...my options were talk to friends, family, seek out a therapist perhaps or just do some research on my own.

My main concerns were:
A) I did not want to betray her trust. Instinctively, I wanted to confide in a friend. We go with what we are familiar with.....but, I couldn't run that by the honey by that point to see how she would feel, so...no go.
B) Because we live far apart, my friends/family only know her by how I speak about her and therefore, her identity (to them at least) becomes exclusively the things I share about our relationship. Without understanding what is going on, I cannot imagine what all this would have sounded like had I just started yammering on and on...especially to someone who is not familiar with PTSD.
C) I needed to learn as much as I could as quickly so I would not impede on my partner while she is having to deal with so much.

I started doing research and have found this forum to be most helpful. I've received input from sufferers and carers and as it turns out, have learned I would have made many mistakes had I spoken to someone trusted, well intentioned yet lacking the required knowledge to help me make sense of things.

I cannot speak for others. I think each person is individual and thus their comfort levels may differ given a variety of resources, strangers vs. friends for example. I believe I made a good decision by utilizing this forum as a resource and hope my partner would be ok with this. The most important thing to remember is most of us act with the best of intentions with the greater good in mind.

 

[mamachick]

Harsh as it is, the reality is that when we disclose something to another person, we have no control of who they tell. It doesnt mean that we might not get angry-it is just out of our control. Therefore, I think it is up to us to select people we can trust, and its not fool proof, we will be disappointed at times.

This situation is not unique. Women who have close relationships with other women actually produce a brain chemical that decreases depression. Your wife is with you because she loves you. Ptsd is a significant part of her life. She is living it by supporting you. Asking her to keep this secret from anyone in her life is too much to expect. In a healthy relationship, each person needs to have other close people in their life. When she is supporting you and things get tough, where is she to turn? who can she lean on?

I am impressed that you do not sound angry about this but more confused on boundary issues like you are wondering if a boundary has been violated. Your post shows a lot of empathy for your wifes position and that is such a good quality. Sounds like you are lucky to have each other.

We all want to control our world in so many ways-but it doesnt work that way. I think that false sense of control gives us a false sense of safety. Part of our recovery is letting go of that control and accepting that we cannot control anything outside ourself ( own thoughts, beliefs,and feelings) and that is a challege. Glad you have each other.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry for a second post but I forgot one last thought. As Nicolette already said, we can not seek a T (financially and time wise) for every upsetting situation. One goal of people in therapy is to learn to cope on their own eventaully, and that means different things for different people. For some, it means finding trusting friends that we can share with. Your wife sounds like she has this and that is wonderful.

 

[ISupportHer]

Going to keep it short and simple, not wordy this time.

(No, I'm not sick, LOL)

YES, you have that right.

ISH

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm a carer. When my husband was going to therapy he told me not to tell anyone, so I didn't. However, he has at times told people he has PTSD. I got to the point I needed some help. I told one of my closest friends as he wasn't in therapy anymore. I told them because I needed support. Well, most people don't understand at all. It therefore, did me no good to try to get help from people that don't understand. I didn't want it to be a bashing about my husband. I wanted it to be a communication with people that understand. I found this site recently and it has been the help I needed.

So as others suggested if she talked to her friends to get support--did she get it? Do they understand? or was it merely her telling them as informational?

I think when you are married we all have things we want to keep private--I'm very private about finances. I think the stigma of PTSD is what makes it uncomfortable because people often don't understand and who wants to be judged.

So it sounds like you guys worked things out. If she needs help the carer section should be good for her. It might be hard though if you are both on it. Hmmmmm

 

[Tinyflame]

I think if 2 people are respectful of one another and love each other, they care that each has what they needs to manage (and ptsd is a lot to manage :eek::rolleyes:).

So hopefully people can work it out (communicate).
-Everyone needs support/ understanding. Or it sure helps.

 

[mamachick]

Ideally, relationships should be based on equality. That means both partners have the benefit of making choices that promote their own health and well being. You can not be in a healthy relationship if you are not healthy alone. Keeping secrets at the expense of oneself is an unreasonable request, and in situations, should not be honored. What if husband asks partner to not disclose the source of his wealth? Reasonable? What if partner runs drugs for him or is pimped out? Is keeping that secret costing partner their mental health? I dont know anything about running drugs but if my friend told me she was doing this I would be very concerned.

I have ptsd and I am not a carer. At one point I was drinking too much. My family could see that. Does it matter if they know I have ptsd or could just see I was acting like an a**hole. I am not a violent person but have known men with ptsd that got violent when having a flashback and their partner was afraid. For me, if a friend is expressing anxiety about her husbands state and showing fear, I am inclined to pry into why because I am concerned for her signs of fear of him. Some secrets are not healthy. I am all for honoring the trust in an intimate relationship and would not suggest betraying that trust-unless it is compromising the partners physical or mental well being.

Ivy asked if she received support? did they understand? or was it merely her telling them as informational?
I have to ask-why would it matter? She did what she did because she felt the need, she make a choice based on something that she needed and how can anyone here judge that. We are not all the same. Hazen already said that he trusted these friends and respected her choice in sharing. Again, I admire Hazen sharing this and his openness to see his partners perspective regardless of details unknown to us.

I can only speak for myself but as a person with ptsd, at times I forget that what I am thinking, feeling experiencing, etc is not the reality of the world and just my perspective. I get wrapped up in what I may feel as injust, or betrayal, or self protection. The truth is-feeling safe is within me, not my environment. I am very protective of some of my private information just as Hazen is-because deep down I fear others can destroy or harm me, and that people are not that
trustworthy. Truth is some people are not. Yet I think that in order to get better several things need to happen within us, not the world -because that is not going to change. Ptsd is driven by fear/shame. The answers lie in facing these things. If we are working on our stuff-we are going to get uncomfortable. We dont grow when things are comfortable.

This ptsd forum is a lifesaver. I am very grateful to have it. I appreciate the dedication that Anthony has had to create and maintain. He has done, and continues to do something to make a change in the world regarding ptsd. While I do not know his motivation, I would guess that at least in part it was the general publics ignorance reagarding ptsd. This has allowed all of us connection with others and support. I don't think it is meant to be a substitue for outside relationships. We still have the ability to educate others on ptsd who would otherwise not know much. Hazens partner has friends that she trusts enough to confide in-that is a wonderful thing. She may not feel that she needs to participate in the carers forum.

Five years ago I had an accident and I can recall it in slow motion. That itself was traumatizing. I was unconcious and it resulted in many health problems. I was a single parent, not in a relationship. I got a brain injury as well. I had only got my masters 2 years before, in mental health counseling. I helped many people and was well respected and trusted in the community. I was very dedicated and caring. But now I was having anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, I was in severe pain and becoming depressed, and I was having trouble coping. (I now know I was having symptoms of ptsd). I had childhood abuse and neglect but had dealt and was relatively healthy, even though I did not know I had previous ptsd. I had fear that collegues/clients would discover what I was thinking, feeling, and my own lack of coping. I began fixing rum and coke to sleep. That escalated. I had been a very calm parent, I had taught parenting, but now I was a frustrated parent. Because I am a therapist, I cant just share my symptoms with local therapists, they might not refer to me or talk with others. The self protection about keeping my symptoms private from the world felt critical to my well being. Yet keeping this secret nearly destroyed me. You cant deal with shame and fear by hiding it. So my point being for Hazen or anybody else that has fear of diagnosis being discovered-is keeping this secret helping or hindering you.

I apologize if this offends anyone, it is not my intent. I dont always have the tactfulness that I use to in communicating and this forum is practice for the real world in some ways.

 

[hazen]

I appreciate all of the comments!

My wife is not a member of the forum. In some ways she is even more private than me, which is another reason I trust her so much. We are each others very primary support as we both have PTSD, and it would be very hard for me if I didn't have her.

I agree that you can't only have a therapist to talk to and sometimes it is difficult for people to find a good one... we all need to confide in someone with our issues.

I have definitely come completely around on this issue. Now I feel "well of course my wife needs to talk to people about this" and I just trust her discretion with who she talks to. I think it also helps that I have come much more to grips with my own PTSD and understand it better. I now feel more comfortable sharing my situation with people if it is warranted. Plus I feel being on medication now has greatly helped my ability to not get so anxious about things.

So its a combination of things for me. You have to trust your partner, but I think you also have to trust yourself and know your limits and feelings. If we don't have a grasp on ourselves it is hard to trust anyone. Some partners may not be so understanding... but the meaning of "partner" is that you work together on things. And this is very hard to deal with alone.

 

[Nicolette]

I have only read recent posts which contain some really good points. I dont recall what I initially said and these thoughts came to mind now:

* While a therapist has an ethical code of privacy to uphold I believe a trusted friend would hold the same ethics morally. That being said leads me to think if a Sufferer can talk to their therapist about the effects their partner has on them then that pendulum should swing both ways. Yes a friend may be more likely to talk but how do you know that from the decision of choosing a bad therapist from a good one?

* One of the big aspects of healing for a Sufferer is dealing with their trauma which includes opening up & talking about it. Vets
are in the worst situation to a degree as some missions are confidential. If talking is part of healing how can a Sufferer expect a partner to deal with all the cr*p and come out sane at the other end if they have no-one to talk to as it's heavy stuff to deal with at times.

* Being able to talk about it will require divulging 'who' it is due to the emotional involvement & getting advice or venting in the correct context for both parties. Hypotheticals won't work here.

* The inability to have a voice while being violated is part of the cause of PTSD. If you love someone would you rob them of that? You have heard of secondary PTSD?! I look at my sister & I who were abused in a similar manner. I spoke to whoever would listen trying to nut it out. My sister kept being gagged (even by her own actions) and has Complex PTSD. My voice saved me from a life like she now lives........ Please don't take a person's voice from them due to embarasment or shame. You wouldn't want someone you love to have to walk a mile in your shoes. Yes to boundaries & courtesy but NO to being silenced is my vote!

 

[mamachick]

Nicolette you have a gift for articulating. I love the last paragraph you wrote-absolutely true.

 

[mamachick]

I have one other thought that I hesitate to say because my intent is not to offend anyone so please take this for what it is worth. As a person with ptsd, when my symptoms were re-activated several years ago, something that did not happen immediately but I feel like I have acquired, and I suspect others have to if they are able to be really honest and insightful about themselves, is a bit of a narcisstic quality or characteristic. I still care about others and have empathy for others. But at some level in my personal life, I can only see my point of view at times as though this is the truth and reality. It is not NPD at all. I am less tolerant to putting self in uncomfortable situations, the need that I have at the moment is the most important.

I think I have got this way more so since the official diagnosis. As though-ah, this is why I feel this way, or am triggered, or flashback-well then Im going to do what makes me feel comfortable and not tolerate or expect less. Even a bit angry for not knowing what was really going on with me and allowing more bad things to happen. As if life is about "my thoughts-my feelings-my needs" Now that the dust has settled, I am able to be more insightful and realistic.

My mother was much like this. She would expect me to miss a college class to bring her her favorite dinner from a restaurant. My children would show her an award or a trophy or their science project and she would say "thats nice honey" and proceed with talking about her problem of the day and seeking support from me. Even though she never told me that she had trauma in her life-I have always known that she has. She is not the only person with trauma that I know that expect and almost demand their needs to be met and focus on any little thing that goes wrong or causes those needs to not be met, annialating anyone in their way. If I had to describe in one word, I guess it would be a sense of entitlement. Entitlement to have needs met, to not be stressed, to avoid stressful situations, etc. I was only diagnosed about 1 year ago and as much as I would prefer to remain in denial about this, doing so would not allow me to move the rest of the way out of this.

I see this as a reaction and not a permenant characteristic. I think it may be a stage in working through the acceptance of the diagnosis. I tend to be very insightful and recognized this awhile back and have been paying attention since. It is difficult because I have a history over the past few years of letting others take advantage or walk over me. Therefore, I must be careful to evaluate situations and conclude weather I am being reasonable in my expectations. (too rigid or too laxed in expectations and behavior of others ) I guess that is what has made this topic so very interesting. While the original topic has been discussed and many opinions shared, it has been extremely thought provoking.

When we are in the middle of our ptsd, life is about survival. How to get through the day-it can almost cause a panic. So it is no wonder that we would be focused on our own needs and so desperately. This might appear selfish to others at times. I know that I was once a very giving and caring person and that ptsd has brought me to be self centered-but temporarily. It is not reasonable to expect others to put our needs above theirs, and not healthy for others to do so. Further, when that happens, the person with ptsd becomes so protected from reality that if something would happen to the enabler, the ptsd sufferer would be lost. (this happened when my sisters husband died at a young age and unexpectedly)

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't say I expect my needs to take precedence over others, but I can say that 'having needs' or asking for help etc is devastating to me- likely a lack of self-esteem and seeing it as wrong to expect so. The 'asking' is difficult enough; if it is not forthcoming I blame myself for asking. So although I don't expect the help, I set myself (or others) up for what will (or could) be serious rejection if they cannot help. Though I blame myself, that still potentially puts an unreasonable burden on others. I realize cognitively this is the case, but emotionally it shuts me down (or I shut myself down).

I think in terms of disclosure, it really depends on the relationship, the need, and to whom it's disclosed to (for what purpose).