Calling hotlines pretending to be a child being sexually abused.

[Deleted member 38906]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum. If there was a forum titled re-enactment it would fit better under there. Anyway, feel free to move it wherever it belongs.

I got into some trouble with child protective services tonight. Well, not actual trouble but they called me to talk to the parents of a girl in danger of being sexually abused. I got scared at first thinking I was in legal trouble again but I decided to just be honest and tell them that I was the one that called them the night before and pretended to be the little girl in trouble. Obviously the case worker couldn't just believe me and wanted to verify that I was indeed an adult. I had mentioned that I was in therapy so she asked for my T's info so she could speak with him to verify. I was a little hesitant at first but I ended up giving her his info. I'm not sure what's going to happen, whether I'm in trouble or not but I'm scared...

What happened was that I was in one of my weird "moods" last night meaning that I was triggered. I think I was triggered because on Monday I had therapy and we talked a little about my dad and the time he abducted me when I was a toddler. I didn't really tell my T that he may have sexually abused me at that time (im still getting to know this T) but I started thinking about my memories after the session non stop and i slipped into a weird triggered risk-taking mental state.

So later on I called a crisis hotline and pretended to be a little girl who was scared to go to her dad's house because he sexually abuses her. It almost felt like I was back in time and i felt like i was a different person. I felt so little and it felt amazing being able to talk to an adult and listen to them care about me. It was actually a bit of a turn on.

I used to do this alot when i was younger, I would almost call everyday pretending i was in trouble. A few years ago even the police got involved cause they thought there was a real girl who was in danger calling all the hotlines across the country...I had a list that I would go down every night calling. I had to get a lawyer to explain to them what was going on with me. They let me off the hook if I promised to get treatment. and it's not like I haven't..I have been in therapy ever since. but I guess I haven't really dealt with my trauma if I'm still calling hotlines pretending to be a little girl.

How do I talk about all this with my T? I'm so scared to bring it up. It's something I'm ashamed of especially the bit about being turned on by it.

My inner child feels so relieved and safe now that child protective services is involved though, that my T knows now (or will know) and i'll have an opportunity to talk to him about it next time.

On a different note, it's good to know that the system works. If a real child was in danger and was to call CPS they'd be on her case in no time (their response time was pretty good).

 

[Scarlet13]

Ok, so I would definitely talk to your T. I know he is new, but you need help navigating this.
Reenacting in this way could give you serious consequences.
Trusting and reaching out to your therapist could be a form of reenactment. You mentioned how it felt good for him to know about this.
But being the little kid reaching out to him (trusted adult) will be a better, more safe option than actually calling a help line.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I find it very hard to be vulnerable and open in person. Especially about a sexually related trauma. I get the 'everything is ok with me' and 'I have no feelings' attitude when I'm in therapy and I get flooded with feelings after I leave.

 

[Scarlet13]

Right, but that is what you are doing by calling a helpline and pretending to be a kid, making yourself vulnerable.
So this act is symbolizing that you have a desperate need to talk openly about this, but in a safe way for who you really are.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I guess the difference is when I call a hotline I can slip into being that young girl and so I would be really experiencing the past and feeling my feelings. If I were to talk to my T about it I would be talking to him as my adult self and i would be really detached from my feelings.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

How do I talk about my sexual abuse memories with my T when I'm not sure how accurate they are. I don't want to be accusing him of something I'm not sure of.

 

[whiteraven]

How do I talk about my sexual abuse memories with my T when I'm not sure how accurate they are. I don't wan...

Hi @Moo. I used to do something like this, although not quite to the same degree. I never told anybody about it and never really understood why I did it, so I appreciate you posting about it here. I think it's very brave of you.

I stopped, I think, because I was afraid someone would find out. Plus, I had a new therapist after a really long time not having one who I eventually was able to talk to about some of this stuff.

You know what he told me when I asked him that "what if the memories aren't really true" question? He told me it didn't matter. What he said was what was most important was what I *thought* was true. That we needed to talk about that and once we did the memories wouldn't have a hold on me anymore.

Now, I still kind of think that whether they really happened is important. But it's less important to me now than it was. And the stuff I was able to talk about *doesn't* have that hold on me that it did. I don't need to call and be vulnerable to others. I don't need to be cared about in the same way that I used to.

 

[joeylittle]

Moo, didn’t you also pretend to be someone else in order to post a review of your ex-T online?

I think that you may have a pattern going on that is more pervasive than you realize. I’d encourage you to talk to your T about this. And if you can’t, then print out this thread and give it to them to read.

I understand feeling afraid to talk about your trauma history openly in therapy, but calling CPS and adopting a persona, in order to relieve some of the pain, is not a small thing.

I hope you let us know how it goes.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I volunteer for a crisis line I understand you're going through stuff and in therapy but please consider all the time and resources you're wasting by pretending to be in trouble. There are a limited number of volunteers and for every call answered that's someone else that can't be helped at that time that could be in real trouble. I know it feels good to have people care but you're lying about your immediate danger. Please talk to your t about this in depth.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How do I talk about all this with my T?

You just do. I hate to say it that way but being someone that had to tell my therapist some very horrible re-enactments I was doing (one involving my dog) there is no right way or easier way to tell them. I had to just turn my head all the way away fron him and just tell him. I would advise him I needed to tell him something but I couldn't and he paved the way for me to feel safe enough to say it. Sometimes he would poke a bit, sort of guessing a bit until I was able to just tell him. Other times he backed up and turned his chair so he was facing away from me. Other times I had to write it down and we passed notes without speaking a word. Other times I showed him a thread I wrote on here.

It did get easier each time he wasn't shocked and was able to sort of catch me emotionally. So the info came out over a long period of time. It was a sort of test that I was doing as well. How much can you take? He now knows everything but I have been seeing him weekly for 8 and a half years.

ETA: Sorry, hit post on accident.

I used to prentend to be a child in my 20s on yahoo messenger when you could search for people and I seeked out adult men and would seduce them and basically have cyber sex with pedophiles as they thought I was 12 or 13. So I understand this behavior but it is unhealthy and it is taxing a system that is already overwhelmed. So I agree your therapist needs to know and you need to work on this. There is not just an easier way to tell your therapist something. There are things that can make you feel safer but you just have to come out with it. You have to spit it out basically.

Hope this helps some. And know I do understand the behavior, why you are doing it, and am not judging you in any way! :hug:

 

[Livkay]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum. If there was a forum titled re-enactment it would fit...

Dear Moo,

I am a bit late to this thread. I really feel your pain here, and I am so sorry that you had to experience such trauma. Your trauma and pain is real. I would highly encourage you to discuss these topics with your T. You can just begin as slowly as you need too.

I am also wondering, instead of calling child hotlines, if you could reach out to hotlines made for adults. I believe those hotlines do allow for one to discuss their childhood sexual abuse, and how it is impacting them in the present. Or if you felt comfortable, visiting a local rape crisis center or sexual violence organizations in your area. The sexual abuse doesn't have to be recent, to reach out and receive support.

Please take care and be compassionate with yourself.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Dear Moo,

I am a bit late to this thread. I really feel your pain here, and I am so sorry that you had to experience...

thanks Livkay. I would like to discuss these issues with my T but the problem I have is when Im with him in person, my pain doesnt feel real anymore. almost like it happened to someone else not me, which makes it difficult to discuss. not sure how to navigate around this.