Relationship Veteran boyfriend w/ ptsd ended things

[ConfusedGrl]

I had been in a relationship with my vet for exactly a year. He is one of the most amazing people that I have ever met in my life. I met him when he was transitioning from military to civilian life and things in the beginning were perfect. He was loving, caring and supportive. About 5 months into the relationship he had an episode where he tried to break things off and that’s when I first realized that his ptsd was pretty bad.
When we met he had told me about it and other things about when he was in the military. He was also on meds for his ptsd when I met him but got off them because he felt like he was becoming dependent on them.
Like I’ve stated everything was good. He always told me that he loved me and I was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Especially with helping him transition from military life to civilian life. He promised me a future and marriage and even went as far as getting me a promise ring for our 8 month anniversary.
But like I’ve read in many of these threads he wasn’t in tune with his emotions. He doesn’t like talking about them and will shut me out if I try.
This past month we had been arguing a lot about random things that had no substance. I had also realized that he was becoming distant, would call or text like he used to and if we would hang out it felt like he didn’t want to be there.
And this past Saturday, after telling me that he needed time and not talking to me earlier in the week, he ended things. Stating that he needed time to by himself and that his ptsd had gotten to him more and more. And he felt like he couldn’t give me what he knew I wanted or deserved.
We said that we would be friends as I told him that I wanted to be there for him and he wants the same. But I’m so confused and lost. All I want is the person that I first fell in love with back.
I am going to be there for him in hopes that he’ll want to get back together eventually but I don’t know if I should hold to that hope or not? I’m looking for some advice from others who have been there too.

 

[Freida]

Stating that he needed time to by himself and that his ptsd had gotten to him more and more. And he felt like he couldn’t give me what he knew I wanted or deserved.

I'm so sorry.

I'm actually kind of surprised he was able to verbalize as well as he did. This is just something that many of us do. We have to escape and we don't care ( because we don't realize) who we hurt.

You said he stopped taking his meds. Is he getting any kind of counseling? If not he may not realize he needs it. It's a huge admission of weakness for a lot of vets so it's hard to take that step.

Will he come back? Hopefully the supporters can help you with that question. But even if he does this need to escape will probably come up again and again. It sucks but it makes sense at the time as the only option

 

[Worried Girlfriend]

@ConfusedGrl
I am going through the exact same thing.
I love my man to bits and I know he has lots of feelings for me too, that is why this is so hard.
I've known him for 14 years. Our paths crossed again recently and we started a relationship, an awesome one!!
A few weeks ago he ended the relationship while having a set-back. (For the same reasons as your guy)
We are still friends and talk almost every day.
But hell, I miss that closeness of being in a loving relationship with him.
I just wish they will realise that we are willing and able to support them. I am a giver, not a taker and a nurturer by nature.
I have been educating myself a lot the last few weeks on PTSD, and I am ready and able to support. I really, really want to.

Good luck girl. I feel your pain.

 

[Buttercup]

I agree with @Freida, he verbalized really well. Wish my guy would do that! But like my guy, he can't or won't talk about his emotions. So hard!

Will he come back?? That's so hard to say because if you look around this forum you will see lots who don't, some who do and are maybe just friends because the PTSD partner can only handle that, and some who do but repeat the cycle over and over.

If he tried to break things off before, I would say there is a good chance that he will come back, and also that he will do this again If he does.

He is still the person you fell in love with, only now you are seeing more of who he is and what he is dealing with. All you can do is be available for him if that is what you choose to do. Space, space, space! And nothing heavy until you two figure out how to navigate times like these.

Welcome!

 

[dulcia]

Yeah, sounds like things aren't as bad as they may feel (although know how awful it can feel) -- considering he was able to give you an answer (even if it was surface leave) as to why he had been coming more and more distant. For some relationships that can culminate into (a) isolating where they take off when no warning and no contact, even just so you will know they are physically okay, or (b) lashing out and verbally and/or physically lashing out at you, smashing or throwing things, etc.

If he is saying y'all are still able to be friends, then I don't seeing anything glaringly wrong with you hanging around for a bit. Just please make sure to take care of yourself first (i.e. don't stick around solely with the goal of getting back together while he is exploring options with other women). With therapy and being consistent with meds again, things could get better. He could learn some tools that will help him cope with the part of PTSD that seems to be overwhelming him. But it's important to also remember that he is an adult with free will, meaning that if it ends up coming to a point where he says he does not want any sort of relationship with you anymore (friendship or otherwise), you have to be able to accept that -- even if his logic behind it seems flawed.

 

[dulcia]

**surface level
** had been becoming

 

[ConfusedGrl]

I'm so sorry.

I'm actually kind of surprised he was able to verbalize as well as he did. This is ju...

No he’s not in any kind of therapy, when he had that first initial lash out I begged for him to get help but he didn’t want to. He said he didn’t want to go to the VA because he hates it there. This time around I’m going to push for him to get help more.

 

[ConfusedGrl]

@Worried Girlfriend How did you start communication with him after you ended things? Did he reach out or did you? Because that’s what I’m struggling with at the moment, I reached out on Monday and we talked and everything was fine but I haven’t heard from him since.I don’t want to seem like I’m the desperate ex gf wanting him back if I reach out. I would love some advice on how to do the whole friends things because I’m struggling with it

 

[ConfusedGrl]

I agree with @Freida, he verbalized really well. Wish my guy would do that! But li...

Thank you so much for your advice, you’re right he is the person that I fell in love with just finding out every part of him now. I wish so bad that he will and if I continue to support him he’ll realize that he’s not alone in this.

 

[Snowflakes]

No he’s not in any kind of therapy, when he had that first initial lash out I begged for him to get help but he...

I think that you might find your desire to “push him to get more help” may have the opposite effect that you want. I have learned that there is really nothing I can do to make my sufferer do anything and, the more I pushed, the harder she pushed back.
Also, I am a combat veteran so I understand where your vet is coming from with respect to the VA, both the health side and the benefits side. Sometimes veterans believe that the VA is adversarial towards them. Whether the VA is or not, isn’t the question. If he believes they are, then they are.

To answer your original questions. I have always held on to hope that my sufferer and I will live a relatively peaceful and loving life together. Sometimes it happens, sometimes not. This is why we supporters here tend to describe our lives as being on a roller coaster. I think you learn all you can here by reading our stories. Learn about boundaries and coping mechanisms. Do not give up on your own life’s interests. Whether he returns to you or not is his decision. How long you wait is yours.

I’ve waited 10 years. My life and who I am has irrevocably changed. I still hold on to my hope but it is tempered by what I’ve learned here and with my own therapist.

I wish you both well. Take care of you.

 

[Freida]

He said he didn’t want to go to the VA because he hates it there.

you can suggest he go to help your relationship but it won't do any good to push. He will go when he's ready because what you are asking him to do is beyond brutal. Don't think about this like regular "let's go talk about my issues" counseling.

PTSD therapy is a nightmare. It's relieving and accepting the things that were so bad you brain shut down in an attempt to save your life. It makes you sad and angry and frustrated. You have to learn an entirely new way of coping with day to day life. Everything you believe to be true can change. This is why people are reluctant to do it. And if you are military and have to use the VA? Whole new world of stress. The paperwork alone can cause a week long panic attack

Before you decide to go on with this read the supporters page and really listen to them. I had no idea how much damage I was doing to my supporters until I started seeing those threads . And. There are many many days when I can't care. Note that I said cant...not dont. Big difference. Honestly I don't know how any of you put up with us!

 

[EveHarrington]

Would you be ok being nothing but friends for the rest of your life?

Would you be ok seeing him get together with another woman and marrying her?

I ask you these things because you say both that you hope to get together with him again at some point......but you also ask how to navigate the friends thing.

I don't personally believe in staying friends with an ex after the relationship ends. Well, other than being dumped once in high school, I have always been the one to initiate the breakup. Guys always want to stay "friends" but it's never because they actually want to be just friends, rather they see it as a way to stay close to me in hopes that I'll change my mind and come running back. I never do.

So if you can't be just friends, and be happy for him if he finds another love-----walk away now. There is nothing more cruel than being a friend with intentions, because it's not actually being a friend at all.