Sexual Assault 11 years after rape.......still recreating the trauma

[LizFinColo]

I’m new here and this may not be the place to post, but I recently started really working on my trauma and had some things come to light that confuse me.

Little back story and I’ll try to be generalized and avoid any triggers. I was raped and brutially assaulted at a party when I was 21. Immediate after I chose avoidance and minimiaizing as coping skills, then hyper sexuality to gain mastery over what had happened. Up until a week ago, the narrative about the assualt I have told myself and others was pg13 version that I continuely labeled “not that bad” and I should just “get over it”. After a flashback last week, I began to realize the extent of what happened to me that night and how it has continued to impact me, even after a decade of therapy.

This is long, and I apologize for that. My question is are there others who have created a sexual compulsion of recreating the assault? I have had 2 partners since it happened, one of which I was married to at the time but divorced shortly after and my second husband who is dealing with combat related PTSD and we’re currently divorcing. Anyway, I cannot have sex unless it is violent. This was not something I was into before, now however, if certain aspects of the assualt don’t show up in consensual sex I will dissociate and don’t feel any pleasure. Ex-husband #1 and I have recently been giving things another try and after the flashback, I realize I’m making him basically play the rapist over and over again. I can’t get off otherwise.

Has this happened to others? Is there a way out of this compulsion?

 

[The Albatross]

Recreation yeah can be part of it. Brave post and I had some of the issues you shared but not really enough to reply. Someone here will reply to you (hopefully and that's why I bumped the post - so you could get some feedback).

 

[Kintsugi]

There are dozens of posts around the forum that touch on this subject. You are far from alone.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Only in my sick twisted fantasies which I try to keep away from when I am with my husband. Unfortunately, my flashbacks have been invading lately, making me numb to touch.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

I often can't get there if I don't picture something violent or feel pain. I never tell my husband this. He will may play a little rough sometimes at my request but he refuses to abuse me. Good for him. Frustrating for me.

 

[RoadtoHappy]

Hi Liz,
I am so sorry to hear your story. Mine is very similar to yours. I have only joined this group yesterday and am finsing so many people with similar issues to mine, which is relieving.

I was assaulted and raped by a stranger at 14. Never told a soul until I was 21 when I told a Friend when nightmares and Flashbacks started bad.I then met my now husband at 23 and he was the first I revealed all to. I am now 30 and have been in therapy for the past few years. Thought I would be over it by now but discovered its not that simple and a very long road.

Anyway apologies for rambling. My newest disturbing issue is that I want my husband to be rough and I want him to do almost exactly what was done to me. Its like to get pleasure now I want to recreate it, without the physical assault part, just the sexual part. I haven't told my T yet about this but after reading some posts and yours I know I am not alone and this is obviously some part of our brain trying to make sense of something in-comprehensible so I will tell her on Thursday and will keep you updated. Maybe you should speak with your T too and see what they say. I suppose it makes sense that we are trying to understand, maybe take back control, give ourselves power through consent.. I don't know I am no therapist but I completely understand and am in the same boat.

For me the worst part of my ordeal was that at one point he gave me pleasure, he forced pleasure on me between pain and this is something I really struggle with. I find it so very shameful. I have struggled with pleasure and never can quite finish, no matter what my husband tries, sometimes its easier to fake :) but when he my H is rough and acting almost like the perpetrator I achieve an orgasm. So very weird and this makes me cry.. Although this is the only time I cry as I really strugglele with letting myself be sad or angry. I never cry with my T, just panic attacks and vomiting.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and hope you can be open with your T. But you are most certainly not alone xx

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Hi Liz,
I am so sorry to hear your story. Mine is very similar to yours. I have only joined this group...

Since you jumped into this older thread, I find the timing interesting because I am finding that the deeper I go into my trauma/emdr therapy the more I want/need to feel pain to climax. Horrible. I hate it. I recently wrote a cryptic statement on my list to my therapist under the heading: things I don't want to talk about. I doubt we will talk about it any time soon, but I think I wrote it on there to test the waters and see how she would react, which was acceptable, so maybe I will bring it up at some point.

 

[RoadtoHappy]

That is really interesting TexCat and it really is putting my anxiety at ease slightly. I really thought I must be mentally disturbed to be feeling this way. Maybe its the only way I can allow myself to feel the pain, while I am with my husband so intimately. Doesn't make it easier though and the shame it gives me is beyond words. It takes every bit of my energy to not hurt myself. I am a scratch my wrist until I bleed and bang parts of my body off things to bruise and hurt type of self-harmer. Have you spoken to your T about it at all?

 

[Lionheart]

I struggled with the same sort of problem after being brutally sexually molested as a young man, the compulsion you speak of in recreating the original abuse is called, "abuse specific repetition compulsion" and the good news is that it can be overcome with trauma therapy and new coping tools / understanding. I would personally suggest therapy with a trauma therapist to overcome this 'process addiction'.

You do not have to remain a slave to the past and one can learn to enjoy healthy sexuality even after sexual abuse / assault / rape etc. I wish you much success and healing!!!

Lionheart777

 

[Deleted member 37474]

That is really interesting TexCat and it really is putting my anxiety at ease slightly. I really though...

I had abbreviated self harm to s.h. And she clarified what I meant and that was enough talk for me. ;) In that same paragraph it said sexual issues and inability to connect during sex. So, I am sure it will come up at some point.

 

[raven68]

Yes omg. I have read many survivors stories on internet forums, not really knowing why for the longest time before I realised I was looking for someone who said their experiences after the abuse events had something in common with mine, that I feel most ashamed of.
My brother and I were 11 and 12 respectively when we were attacked by a stranger and forced to perform oral sex. He made me do it to my brother and then made us both take turns doing it to him. As the man got more aroused he got more aggressive, forcing us to do deep throat which was terrifying to be unable to breath, gagging and choking but unable to pull away because he was so much stronger than us. He made us do that multiple times before he finally finished.
Some time after that my brother and I started a sexual relationship. I initiated it. I would get in his bed and start masturbating. When he got aroused I would let him do what the man did while I masturbated to orgasm. It was like an obsession. We never had vaginal sex, my brother never even tried to do that. I believe we were both motivated by the same weird urge to copy what that man did.

 

[Effie]

I wasn't aware recreation was a thing. I haven't had this issue during sex. I find that I scan for stories that sound similar to mine. I've only shared extremely general information with people I trust, I can't really talk about it. During sex, I can't enjoy myself unless I'm in a position of power. If anything is too similar to what happened, I have to stop. It feels rotten looking through peoples stories, but I still haven't found someone who's experience was more like mine. I've tried writing what happened but quit because I never managed to share it. Before I was sexually assaulted, I had a lot of issues, but my sexuality was on of the healthiest parts of me. I was comfortable with my body. I still don't have problems reaching climax with the caveat that I'm always on top.

One of my problems being open about what happened is I don't know 'how bad' it was. I know I responded violently to him. But I already had childhood abuse to contend with and I second guess if I overreacted. But then, I'd been clear that I didn't want sex. I guess because I attacked him and people didn't know what happened, I've taken on a lot of their reactions to the 'psycho girl' who flipped out.