General You cant handle the truth

[Freida]

Ok supporters - help a girl out.

I was on a 911 chat site yesterday and we were bitching about the stupid people who ask "what was your worst call?" That's like asking a cop or military vet how may times they have shot someone. Not only is it incredibly personal but ...chances are the person asking can't handle the truth.

So when someone asks me that question, i ask them to narrow it down. Do they want to know about the frantic mom with the dying child? The elderly lady doing cpr on her husband? A cop begging you for help on the radio after being shot and you are sitting 20 miles away in a basement listening to him die? No. they don't. Because they can't handle it. I don't say that to be mean. But generally, when I describe my worst calls the person I'm talking to ends up in tears. So if I'm going to talk about my job, it has be be carefully. Give them some info, watch their reaction, give them some more, stop when they are done - not when I am.

This means I don't have a lot of supporters for 911 outside of the public safety field. I'm not angry about that -- it's not their fault. It's just something I have to be aware of. My bar for "bad" is way higher than the average persons. That's even part of the psyche test to get into the career field

The same thing can be said for ptsd. People don't want to know I have it - and they sure as sh*t don't want to know why. They say they do. But they can't handle the truth. So I have to be very careful how much information I let out to each of my supporters because I have to remember what I've told them, how they reacted, gauge how much more they can take and make sure I don't overwhelm them. It is exhausting! I also have to monitor my behavior around them because they want to support me but they don't want to see the true ugliness that is PTSD. It doesn't fit the picture in their head of me. They want to help. But they can't handle the truth.

So when things get really bad I ghost. I have to. I can't keep trying to pretend I'm ok. I can't keep the demons they don't want to see at bay. I know they love me and want to help - but there isn't much they can do, because I can't talk about it.

It's too upsetting ----- to them. They can't handle the truth.

I'm coming up on an anniversary and I'm afraid with all this therapy it's going to be a bad one. It's still about 6 weeks away and I've never been this jacked up this far out. I'm scared, I'm already isolating and I've already tried to take off once. (smart hubby wouldn't let me go alone).

I've put them on notice it's going to be a bad one but for the first time EVER I think I'm upset that I have to monitor what I say. It's not fair that I have to hide how I'm feeling, slap a smile on my face and pretend that everything is ok - all the while knowing that the only reason I have to do it is that they can't handle the truth. Which makes me feel like crap because I don't want them to have to handle it! It would break their hearts. But it's not my fault they don't understand and I should be able to let my crazy out. It's the hamster wheel from hell!

So my question is -- what do I do with them? they can't help because they can't handle the truth. (Again - I'm not saying that to be judgemental. I'm saying that based on experience.)
I know that to be a true supporter you have to be amazingly strong. I can't imagine what it is like for you to see someone you love in pain and the fact that you all stick around through all this crap is amazing. And I don't want to add to their burden.

But I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to hide my terror and my memories just because it will upset them. I"m tired of having to judge every sentence that comes out of my mouth because knowing what I've survived will break their heart. I don't want to keep worrying about leaving my pictures in their head because I know how much it hurt them. I'm tired of trying to remember who knows what and how much. I'm tired of having to judge how upset they are before I think about how upset I am. I'm tired of people bailing on me because I let them know I'm struggling and it upsets them to watch

At the same time, I have no idea what kind of answer I'm looking for.

I guess I just need some input from your side of the issue: What do I do when I know you can't handle the truth?

 

[EveHarrington]

Of course you know I have PTSD.

I’d throw down the hard boundaries of never discussing trauma details. (I advise this of everyone with PTSD. Details should be saved for therapy IMHO.)

“I appreciate your concern and I very much value your support, but I do not want to discuss the details of my calls. I hope you understand that it’s just a difficult thing for me to talk about. Please know I really do value your support!”

And that is that.

No having to worry about finding their “line”. I mean it’s about you, not them.




People say the dumbest things.

“Ohhh how did you get ptsd?”

<I lean in closer>

“Want a play by play of my childhood rape?”

No. I didn’t think so.

(Save this last tactic only for assholes you don’t care about.)

 

[LuckiLee]

When people ask how many people J has killed his reply is always "Batman doesn't kill people". Some people even ask me about his service and I say " whatever you can imagine it's a thousand times worse".

I'd just thank them for their "concern" but you don't feel comfortable sharing your private issues.

When they ask you about the worst call you've ever had tell them to just watch the news. That should give them an idea.

When they ask about PTSD tell them again it's private but if they really want to learn about the disorder there's lots of information online.


Sorry people are so.....stupid! Lol

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always get pissed off when my vet makes decisions for me... like the "protecting me from him" stuff that comes with isolation, hiding, or taking off. I'm a grown woman and I can protect my own feelings. I know I can say "nope... too much" if I can't handle hearing it. I can also handle seeing him curled up in a ball not moving or functioning for days because I'm the elf that drops food beside him so he doesn't starve. I've seen it. I've seen him rage, cry, be triggered, and dissociate. Even when he thinks he's hiding it.

Not that I need or expect a play by play of his trauma. I know that is none of my business unless he wants to share. I'm saying that it's infuriating when somebody else decides what you can and cannot handle. How do they know? Have I taken off yet? Do I have an inkling he lived through horrid awful shit I can't imagine? Yep, no secrect there. Do I know it broke his brain? Sure do. I've been here for years.

What I'm saying is give me a chance to be there. I'm tougher than you think I am.

 

[LuckiLee]

J shares ALOT with me. And I just listen. He shared one of his traumas with me the other night. All I could say was that he did the right thing. He even said he has to share with me because he can't share some things with anyone else. He has a twin brother who only knows about the traumas where J was injured. It makes me feel honored that he can share with me. It also helps me to understand a little bit better.

I know he went through hell. I know where he was stationed. And what was going on in those regions at the time. I've done my research. I let him share whatever he needs to. I listen.

You all are so brave! XO

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet shares a lot with me too, although I do know he is keeping some of the more horrible stuff to himself. I know some of the main incidents that have really f*cked him up. I've even seen news stories about one of his traumas and his OERs that back up some of his stories. I've never asked any questions, but if he shares, I listen. So far I've been able to process it with no ill effects... maybe a new perspective, but no damage done.

I'm not experiencing it all. I don't see it, smell it, feel it, etc. I just listen and process.

 

[New]

@Freida You know I have PTSD as well. Just wanted to let you know I feel the exact same way.

I’ve tried opening up to my best friend because she kept telling me to but once I did she distanced herself from me for a while. I’m not mad at her. I just know details are too much for them. So I do exactly as you do and isolate a lot.

I try to put myself in their shoes and think of how it would have made me feel before traumas and realize it is just too much for most.

My husband is wonderful and can tell when I’m not doing well but he doesn’t ask questions. He just listens and holds me when I ask.

 

[scout86]

@Freida , that was beautifully put. I wish I could like it a thousand times. Different trauma, but I've had similar experiences.

I don't have an answer. Except that, I've actually found a couple of people, over a lifetime, that really could handle it. That was a huge blessing.

I'd say my answer to your question is you refuse to tell people things you know are going to upset them, and take those things to therapy, or bring them here. A diary might help. People here can either deal with it or avoid it, no harm, no foul.

I hope the anniversary turns out to be nothin' but a thing!

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington I can always count on you to make me laugh

I'm saying that it's infuriating when somebody else decides what you can and cannot handle.

Yea --- about that. I know if the positions were reversed I'd be pretty pissed that someone insinuated I couldn't deal.

What I'm saying is give me a chance to be there. I'm tougher than you think I am.

So far I've been able to process it with no ill effects... maybe a new perspective, but no damage done.

But what if you are not? What if I break you? I have had people furious with me for simply sharing the details of how a 911 call affected me because they don't want to know about the stuff I dealt with. It's like it cracked their reality. And that's a walk in the park compared to my big issues. What if you simply can't cope with seeing me in that light. How do you reconcile the person you love with the things they have done? I don't know that I can handle another person bailing on me because just part of my story was too much for them.

It makes me feel honored that he can share with me. It also helps me to understand a little bit better.

That's what I've been trying to do with my supporters -- let them in a bit here and there so they can understand why I behave like I do sometimes. But I think I've created a spiderweb for myself and I've lost track of my stories. There are just so damn many of them.

 

[Freida]

My husband is wonderful and can tell when I’m not doing well but he doesn’t ask questions. He just listens and holds me when I ask

I'm am very, very lucky to have the same kind of hubby

I hope the anniversary turns out to be nothin' but a thing!

me too!!!! It' aint looking good though. I just blew a gasket because my work asked for more info from my doctor. The request was reasonable --- but it still sent me into orbit. breathe 1234 breathe 1234 Work those grounding techniques Frieda!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think the type of supporters who cannot handle the realities of their loved ones' traumas are the type of supporters who bail early on. If they've made it through the rough patches and have been hanging tough with PTSD for awhile I don't think you have to worry about breaking them.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm wondering who are these supporters you're referring to? J only shares details with me, his twin, his doc and the guys in group (therapy).

Maybe I have the definition of "supporter" wrong? One who encourages, accepts, an advocate or backer. To do those things you don't need details.

Am I right or am I right? Lol