I lost my virginity a year and a half ago at the age of 20 to a stranger I met at a bar down the street from my apartment. I can't remember his name.
A month after that, I met another man (coincidently at the same bar), who wanted to buy me a shot and talk to me about music. We stayed up until 5am in my room sharing our music taste and talking. He stayed over but things did not progress beyond kissing.
On our second date, he brought me out to a different bar in our neighborhood and introduced me to several of his friends. After a night of drinking, we went back to his apartment just down the street from me and I told him that I "sorta liked him" and wasn't super down to have sex, to which he agreed. In the morning, I woke up to him inside me, without a condom. I was so inexperienced and confused that I didn't speak up and I let him finish, despite my discomfort.
Over the next few months, I found that him and I shared a lot of mutual friends, and would see each other out and about frequently. I never acknowledged our interaction as assault and continued hooking up with him periodically over the next year. I'd see him on dates and would hear him talk about other girls and felt hurt, but considered it to be my sensitivity getting the best of me. As someone who has always had pretty low self-esteem, this felt like a personal low.
In early 2017, I went on a Tinder date. I'd been on one before, but dating in general had always prompted a lot of anxiety for me, so I tended to avoid it altogether, despite having always wanted a relationship. Instead of the usual small-talk Tinder thing, he immediately asked if he could take me out on a date, to which I replied something like "sure."
Our first date was about as climactic as it gets. There was drinking, laughing, dancing in an empty room, and the night ended with the two of us sharing music with each other while dangling our legs off of his roof. We had clicked right off the bat, which is something that I wasn't used to. I was in a car back to my place by 1am.
Our second date was a bit different. He told me he was at a bar with some friends not far from my house. Not feeling properly equipped to meet "friends" for the first time, I told him I'd also be bringing friends, but proceeded to get a bit drunk beforehand. By the time we all met up, it was around 12am. Things were going well, and it didn't take long for the two of us to break apart from the group and head to a different bar, just the two of us. After a long night of drinking and finally getting to the point of us both being "too drunk," we decided to head back to his place, which was also nearby.
As the night progressed, we realized that neither of us had a condom. I told him that it was not cool with me for us to have sex without one and he agreed. Being very drunk, I fell asleep soon after that beside him, believing that that would be the end of it. However, very similar to the first situation, he made the decision for both of us and did as he pleased. I was extremely disoriented and confused throughout the duration of it and fell asleep again soon after. In the morning I rigidly said goodbye and went home.
A few hours later he sent me a text saying that he had enjoyed his night with me but that next time there would "be less drinking." I didn't reply. He called me a while later. I let it go to voicemail. He texted me again. After several hours of feeling disgusted and angry, I finally replied saying that I was not okay with how the night turned out.
He apologized more than I realized a person could apologize for something. I made myself incredibly difficult to reach, but he continued calling and messaging me. After a couple days of this, I told him that I needed a while to regroup, so he agreed to leave me alone (apologetically). I had already been feeling incredibly shitty, but the idea of not seeing him again made me feel somehow worse. After a week of no contact, I decided to reach out to him (I forget exactly what I had said). I was about to leave on a 3 week long trip, and figured that this would be the perfect amount of time to think about what it was I intended to do.
Long story short, we dated for about 5 more months. He explained to me how damaged he was from a past relationship, and I decided to not mention any of my past trauma (romantically or otherwise), but completely catered to his. Once I was able to forgive him for the incident, the relationship we developed became pretty intense, and involved him talking about the possibility of us being together and me continuing to pull back. When I finally decided that I did want to be with him, he ended things. He was a few years older than me and apparently ended things because of the age disparity. He still really liked/s me and continues to send me things periodically, like songs and article links.
It's been about 4 months since things have been over but I still can't get over it. I've been seeing a therapist for 1.5 months and have set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist, but haven't really been able to open up to her about this aspect of our relationship. It feels really complicated and hard to explain (even right now) and it's something that feels really really embarrassing for me.
Writing at least part of this out has been very difficult but also sort of therapeutic. I've opened up partially to some friends about the situation, but still hold a lot of that shame in dating him after he assaulted me, so I've mostly kept it to myself.
While I think the next step for me is to talk to my therapist about the situations I've put myself in and get treated for my depression/anxiety, the idea of dating is also still really scary for me. My anxiety has been around for as long as I can remember, for a variety of reasons, but for the past several months, I can hardly go a single day without crying, and the idea of feeling this scared to date again makes me even more upset. And while I feel much more capable than the person I was when both of these incidences occurred, I can't help but fear that I'd actually let it happen again. That this is just the beginning of the absolute shit that I'm going to have to go through.
Has anyone else experienced this sort of shame that comes from continuing to date the person who initially assaulted you? How have you dealt with the embarrassment and how have you been able to develop new relationships and move on?
A month after that, I met another man (coincidently at the same bar), who wanted to buy me a shot and talk to me about music. We stayed up until 5am in my room sharing our music taste and talking. He stayed over but things did not progress beyond kissing.
On our second date, he brought me out to a different bar in our neighborhood and introduced me to several of his friends. After a night of drinking, we went back to his apartment just down the street from me and I told him that I "sorta liked him" and wasn't super down to have sex, to which he agreed. In the morning, I woke up to him inside me, without a condom. I was so inexperienced and confused that I didn't speak up and I let him finish, despite my discomfort.
Over the next few months, I found that him and I shared a lot of mutual friends, and would see each other out and about frequently. I never acknowledged our interaction as assault and continued hooking up with him periodically over the next year. I'd see him on dates and would hear him talk about other girls and felt hurt, but considered it to be my sensitivity getting the best of me. As someone who has always had pretty low self-esteem, this felt like a personal low.
In early 2017, I went on a Tinder date. I'd been on one before, but dating in general had always prompted a lot of anxiety for me, so I tended to avoid it altogether, despite having always wanted a relationship. Instead of the usual small-talk Tinder thing, he immediately asked if he could take me out on a date, to which I replied something like "sure."
Our first date was about as climactic as it gets. There was drinking, laughing, dancing in an empty room, and the night ended with the two of us sharing music with each other while dangling our legs off of his roof. We had clicked right off the bat, which is something that I wasn't used to. I was in a car back to my place by 1am.
Our second date was a bit different. He told me he was at a bar with some friends not far from my house. Not feeling properly equipped to meet "friends" for the first time, I told him I'd also be bringing friends, but proceeded to get a bit drunk beforehand. By the time we all met up, it was around 12am. Things were going well, and it didn't take long for the two of us to break apart from the group and head to a different bar, just the two of us. After a long night of drinking and finally getting to the point of us both being "too drunk," we decided to head back to his place, which was also nearby.
As the night progressed, we realized that neither of us had a condom. I told him that it was not cool with me for us to have sex without one and he agreed. Being very drunk, I fell asleep soon after that beside him, believing that that would be the end of it. However, very similar to the first situation, he made the decision for both of us and did as he pleased. I was extremely disoriented and confused throughout the duration of it and fell asleep again soon after. In the morning I rigidly said goodbye and went home.
A few hours later he sent me a text saying that he had enjoyed his night with me but that next time there would "be less drinking." I didn't reply. He called me a while later. I let it go to voicemail. He texted me again. After several hours of feeling disgusted and angry, I finally replied saying that I was not okay with how the night turned out.
He apologized more than I realized a person could apologize for something. I made myself incredibly difficult to reach, but he continued calling and messaging me. After a couple days of this, I told him that I needed a while to regroup, so he agreed to leave me alone (apologetically). I had already been feeling incredibly shitty, but the idea of not seeing him again made me feel somehow worse. After a week of no contact, I decided to reach out to him (I forget exactly what I had said). I was about to leave on a 3 week long trip, and figured that this would be the perfect amount of time to think about what it was I intended to do.
Long story short, we dated for about 5 more months. He explained to me how damaged he was from a past relationship, and I decided to not mention any of my past trauma (romantically or otherwise), but completely catered to his. Once I was able to forgive him for the incident, the relationship we developed became pretty intense, and involved him talking about the possibility of us being together and me continuing to pull back. When I finally decided that I did want to be with him, he ended things. He was a few years older than me and apparently ended things because of the age disparity. He still really liked/s me and continues to send me things periodically, like songs and article links.
It's been about 4 months since things have been over but I still can't get over it. I've been seeing a therapist for 1.5 months and have set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist, but haven't really been able to open up to her about this aspect of our relationship. It feels really complicated and hard to explain (even right now) and it's something that feels really really embarrassing for me.
Writing at least part of this out has been very difficult but also sort of therapeutic. I've opened up partially to some friends about the situation, but still hold a lot of that shame in dating him after he assaulted me, so I've mostly kept it to myself.
While I think the next step for me is to talk to my therapist about the situations I've put myself in and get treated for my depression/anxiety, the idea of dating is also still really scary for me. My anxiety has been around for as long as I can remember, for a variety of reasons, but for the past several months, I can hardly go a single day without crying, and the idea of feeling this scared to date again makes me even more upset. And while I feel much more capable than the person I was when both of these incidences occurred, I can't help but fear that I'd actually let it happen again. That this is just the beginning of the absolute shit that I'm going to have to go through.
Has anyone else experienced this sort of shame that comes from continuing to date the person who initially assaulted you? How have you dealt with the embarrassment and how have you been able to develop new relationships and move on?
