EveHarrington
VIP Member
I’m really struggling right now. Trying to keep one of my exiled child parts calm as my protectors have stepped down. (I’m practicing Internal Family Systems Therapy.) Or, in other words, my defenses are down and I can feel a ton of raw emotion, the feelings of not having been kept safe and secure as a child.
Things with my dad have always been up and down. They took a nosedive over this past year when he found a new wife and proceeded to dump everyone else. Me. My aunt. My other aunt. Etc. It’s a weird relationship where they can’t go anywhere or do anything without the other person. So knowing my dad meant I had to accept his new wife as part of the relationship I have with my father. Weird, totally weird. Well anyway, I’ve written about the drama, how when I was in the hospital my dad didn’t want to see me because I didn’t want her in the room. Ffs I had just tried to kill myself. It wasn’t a cocktail party. Rather than give a damn about me and whether I live or die, it was all about her. He made a scene and hospital security had to be called. It was a big mess. I say all of this to give you an idea of the chaos and strain between us. I really don’t like his new wife. A few months ago she threw a hissy fit when I went over to their house so my dad could work on my car. She felt like we were leaving her out because we were in the driveway working on my car and it didn’t include her. Suffice to say, my dad won’t have anything to do with me unless she is involved. It’s incredibly unhealthy not to mention what kind of woman keeps a man away from his kids?!?
So my dad was one of my abusers. He used to beat the crap out of me when I was a kid. I though I’d forgiven him and moved on, but I was wrong. The abused child part of me is still very much wounded, still very much afraid, still very much unsafe. I’ve never worked on this trauma in therapy before. I tell my therapist about it tomorrow. I’m holding it all together right now with flimsy scotch tape.
Saturday I got into it with my dad again. He was being a royal asshole. I threatened to call the cops and his wife just stood there taunting me. I had enough. I told him that he was dead to me and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone thinks it’s just another one of my episodes but I’m not kidding. I can’t go on doing this. I can’t keep on retraumatizing my child parts who need to heal.
Sorry this is so long.
I am going through grief right now. Grieving the fact that my dad doesn’t love me. (Love is an action.) I will never have a dad who cares about whether I live or die, or cares enough about me to not abuse me. My child parts are screaming out in pain and I’m having a hard time comforting them.
But at the end of the day, I can’t go on living a lie. I need to move through this grief and accept the truth of the situation. My protectors/defenses are flaring up, mainly denial. I cant deny the truth anymore, no matter how much it hurts.
Any advice from those who have had to mourn the death of a parental relationship is welcome. Support is welcome, too.
Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Therapy isn’t until 4. I will then come home and crash.
Things with my dad have always been up and down. They took a nosedive over this past year when he found a new wife and proceeded to dump everyone else. Me. My aunt. My other aunt. Etc. It’s a weird relationship where they can’t go anywhere or do anything without the other person. So knowing my dad meant I had to accept his new wife as part of the relationship I have with my father. Weird, totally weird. Well anyway, I’ve written about the drama, how when I was in the hospital my dad didn’t want to see me because I didn’t want her in the room. Ffs I had just tried to kill myself. It wasn’t a cocktail party. Rather than give a damn about me and whether I live or die, it was all about her. He made a scene and hospital security had to be called. It was a big mess. I say all of this to give you an idea of the chaos and strain between us. I really don’t like his new wife. A few months ago she threw a hissy fit when I went over to their house so my dad could work on my car. She felt like we were leaving her out because we were in the driveway working on my car and it didn’t include her. Suffice to say, my dad won’t have anything to do with me unless she is involved. It’s incredibly unhealthy not to mention what kind of woman keeps a man away from his kids?!?
So my dad was one of my abusers. He used to beat the crap out of me when I was a kid. I though I’d forgiven him and moved on, but I was wrong. The abused child part of me is still very much wounded, still very much afraid, still very much unsafe. I’ve never worked on this trauma in therapy before. I tell my therapist about it tomorrow. I’m holding it all together right now with flimsy scotch tape.
Saturday I got into it with my dad again. He was being a royal asshole. I threatened to call the cops and his wife just stood there taunting me. I had enough. I told him that he was dead to me and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone thinks it’s just another one of my episodes but I’m not kidding. I can’t go on doing this. I can’t keep on retraumatizing my child parts who need to heal.
Sorry this is so long.
I am going through grief right now. Grieving the fact that my dad doesn’t love me. (Love is an action.) I will never have a dad who cares about whether I live or die, or cares enough about me to not abuse me. My child parts are screaming out in pain and I’m having a hard time comforting them.
But at the end of the day, I can’t go on living a lie. I need to move through this grief and accept the truth of the situation. My protectors/defenses are flaring up, mainly denial. I cant deny the truth anymore, no matter how much it hurts.
Any advice from those who have had to mourn the death of a parental relationship is welcome. Support is welcome, too.
Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Therapy isn’t until 4. I will then come home and crash.
. :hug:
