Relationship Help to work out what to do next?...

[Freida]

adly he rarely holds up his end of the deal as addressing whatever happened retriggers him.

If he tells you that it wasn't you, why do you need to know what triggered him? I have a lot of triggers that I don't discuss with hubby so he will asks if I'm pissed at him or something else. If its him I have to tell him later so we can talk about it. If its not him it goes in my trigger box and we don't discuss it. If I had to go back and review every trigger once I get back down to earth to satisfy his curiosity I would be in a never ending spin

 

[A13]

@Hojay. I completely understand what @Freida is saying about just letting it go.
...I think that’s why my vet avoids the subject and try’s to like make up without words like a little nudge and a cuddle while I’m doing the dishes. Or a little surprise cup of tea. I used to bring it up again but often found We were on a merry go round and we would have exactly the same outcome, a fight!!
so now as much as I might want to hash it out and get to the bottom of it I just let it go... in the beginning of our relationship I remember i was like ‘I’m not letting him win this, he was the one in the wrong and I deserve an apology’ but I quickly learned it wasn’t win/loose. He was the one loosing having to go through that and then feel guilty for how he would shout at me or something.
So embrace your inner Elsa... and Lett it goo! Let it go!!
:)

 

[Hojay]

@Freida and @Adm13
I think there should be a little "Let it go!" theme song for sufferers. It would help me get through the day for sure :)

I realize I may have not been as clear as I should have been. The triggering conversations I'm talking about are invariably about behaviors I need to address within the relationship. All of these behaviors (I'm not going to get too specific here, just to keep it short) are a result of his condition, i.e. patterns he's acquired because of his trauma that is making our relationship difficult.

Alerting him to this behavior seems to trigger the bejesus out of him. So...while I understand that he's owed space when he needs it, I'm also owed a sense of resolution at some later date. That's been our deal and it's the cornerstone of me being able to back off more effectively. Unfortunately, he always seems to find a way to avoid the topic at a later date as well...if only by me backing off until dropping it because I'm too scared he'll have another prolonged episode.

So long story short, I'm not speaking about triggers unrelated to me (say, us having to turn off a movie that's triggering him.) That said, even in unrelated trigger situations, I do believe it's not too much to ask to keep the tone civil and NOT lash out as the OP is experiencing. A simple "It's not you, hun. Talk a little later?" can go a long way.

 

[Freida]

ahhh..yes - you are right. that is a different thing. Having ptsd is not a free pass to be an asshole

 

[A concerned spouse]

And that's where bounderies come in. You may never get the conversation. You may never get to talk certain things out, but you can set your personal boundries and stick by them and he'll learn not to cross them. That being said the same goes to supporters. We have to learn not to cross their boundries either.

 

[Sighs]

I've spent almost 5 years feeling like we never resolve anything, we have the same fights over and over, we never talk about the underlying issues etc. But I had a major breakthrough recently: "Stop hoping for a better past."

I realised that on some level I thought that if I understood better what was going through his head at the time I would feel better about what had happened - that I would be able to rewrite the past.

Instead, I spoke to him calmly at a time when he was calm and told him that certain behaviours had to stop. That it was up to him to figure out how to stop them. That it was up to him to go to therapy or take medication or do neither. But that if certain behaviours didn't stop then our relationship would be over. And I meant it.

That was about two months ago. So far so good. He hasn't behaved in those ways and I haven't tried to go over past incidents.

 

[Hojay]

@Sighs, that's really eyeopening, thank you! Coincidentally, my SO and I have reached the exact same impasse. I have laid down the law as to what behaviors need to stop. Don't care how--therapy, groups, whatever--that's up to him. As we're long distance at the moment (regular and prolonged visits usually,) our communication has ground to a near halt. While he's trying to calm down, collect himself, and make his choices, I'm practicing staying firm on my limits. It's been difficult, but there's no other way.

What I haven't formulated as clearly yet is what you mention about "not hoping for a better past." You are right, no amount of rehashing will make what has happened feel better.

Where it gets really complicated, at least in my case, is that most of my issues and boundaries have to do with my SO's penchant for secrecy: From trying to "protect" me from information and hiding correspondences with people on his phone he thinks I would misconstrue to who knows what else. It may very well be that the things he's keeping hidden are "harmless" to me, but I'm a grown woman and would like to make that choice for myself. To me there is a big difference between "privacy" and "secrecy." He's entitled to live his own life and not share each and every detail, but when what's happening to him spills over to me and our relationship, I'd like to be clued in.

While I can't make myself feel better about his secrecy in the past, I'm not sure if I can adequately "let the past be the past" without fundamentally grasping WHAT he's been trying to keep hidden. Unfortunately, it seems like my SO is quick to confuse my needing to know WHAT with needing to know WHY, which is a convo that triggers him for obvious reasons. I don't care how he got this way. I don't need to have a long explanatory convo about all the trauma involved in his behavior. I need to know WHAT I'm dealing with. So "rehashing" seems inevitable to a certain extent. And that may just break us up for good as at this point I doubt he has the trust, faith, and strength to fill me in.

What makes this extra painful is that over the last 2,5 years, we've gone from being great communicators and companions to this...it's a development I find really hard to stomach.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@Sighs, that's really eyeopening, thank you! Coincidentally, my SO and I have reached...

I totally empathize with your plight, however it takes a very strong person to be in a ptsd relationship I’ve learned. You have to have a superior amount of patience and understanding, not to excuse certain behaviors either. It’s good that you’ve set boundaries, but you also have to respect his to some point. For your own sake, try to understand that his way of thinking is not like yours and how you would naturally do things.

 

[Hojay]

You have to have a superior amount of patience and understanding

Yes, that's true. And with that patience and understanding I'm letting him take the time he needs to calm down. It's clear that his way of thinking is different from mine. I've been learning and listening, I don't think that's been the problem. It goes both ways though.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Yes it goes both ways but I know my sufferer has major issues with trust from ANYONE. I can't change that. I cant change him and the way he deals. It's something that PTSD has done to his brain. He cant control it either.

He too acts secretive and in the past I used to get insecure about everything because of his lack of communication, his avoidance and withdrawal . . . Him being sneaky (in my mind). He kept dumb things from me because he didn't want the questions, the drilling, the comments and insecurity on my part. He doesn't trust my reaction. And frankly I get it now. I would build a mountain out of a mole hill.

I've come to learn that this is the way he is. This is what PTSD does to him. I had to come to a place where I needed to build my own confidence and stop judging him on every little action he did. I had to allow him to be who he is comfortable being instead who I wanted to make me comfortable.

I had to trust in his love just the way he gave it and not the way I wanted him to give it. I had to allow him to be him.

This life isn't for everyone. That's a choice you will have to personally make. Bounderies are bounderies and we must stick by them on both sides. But bounderies doesn't make someone communicate with you and it won't force them to. He is who he is and you can't change that.

It's the harsh truth loving and living with someone with PTSD.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you so much for this, @A concerned spouse. It's really helping me see this from another POV. I do have trust issues out of my own history of betrayals, so I'm open to the fact that I'm not seeing his secretiveness with a clear and fair eye. I want him to be comfortable and most of all himself. I'm on here for his sake as much as mine.

If you don't mind sharing, what types of things is your SO secretive about and how does it manifest? Are they always "insignificant" things? How did you come to a point to trust he's not hiding anything potentially hurtful to you or your relationship? Communication? Leap of faith? It sounds like you struggled with "molehilling" things initially, how did you build the trust to stop? If that's too much detail you're comfortable with sharing, please feel free to keep it as general as you'd like.

 

[A concerned spouse]

A lot of sufferers spend a lot of time on social media. They don't have to face real people in the physical form. My husband is on his phone all the time. He is on disability and has a lot of free time on his hands. He says he has no life. He would befriend people he doesnt know. Some men some women and it would raise my insecurity to a whole new level. I didnt even have to say anything and he would know that I didn't trust him and was feeling a lot of jealousy and insecurity. So I would watch to see if he was on line. I would peak over to see if I could catch a glimpse of what he was actually doing on his phone. I thought I was being sneaky but he knew. He would lock his phone delete messages, etc.

So here is goes. He KNEW I didn't trust him. He gave me no solid evidence not to. The more insecure I became the more sneaky he became. I realized that MY trust issues was not his fault. My insecurities were not caused by him. I could blame him all day long but bottom line he or nobody else could makes me insecure or unhappy. Happiness and confidence had to come from within me. Only I could get that for myself. So I knew I HAD to work on me. I had to change.

I'm not saying that his PTSD didn't effect me because it did. I brought me to my knees. It caused a lot of hurt and pain and loneliness, and yes insecure paranoia of loosing him. But I allowed PTSD to consume my life. Unlike him I have the ability to stand against it. To be stronger than it because I live with some who has it but I don't.

So I took a good look at myself and resized that my distrust and insecurities were adding to much fuel to the fire raging inside of him and when I looked in the mirror I didn't like what I saw. I was given a healthy and clear mind and I was destroying it and my husband would give anything to have a mind that isn't consumed with trauma.

So I worked on me. Got my confidence back. Blindly trust the man I love and he's not so sneaky anymore. I don't check on him, worry about were he is or where he's going because I'm secure in who I am. A partner loves a confident and secure partner.

Bottom line if he did something that was distrustful or crossed a line, I would find out and deal with it then. But i trust him. Hes got a pretty damn good wife. I dont go look for things or worry what could happen anymore. And if that ever did happen I would be okay because I am now a strong women.