Super embarrassing

[Madmaninabox]

Hello,
I just started going to therapy about 2 months ago after being in the psych ward for 12 Days. I'm having a really hard time talking about anything in therapy. I feel super guilty already just with what she already knows about me. I am a very religious person, a full time minister, and truly love God. So Whenever I talk about things I feel like I'm leaving a bad impression about my religion.

Im not really one to get embarrassed very easy, but a lot of my problems revolve around embarrassing topics. And frankly not the most appropriate things. I truly feel bad for this, but a lot of my problems are of a sexual nature. I'm a "more or less virgin" but I still have a lot of issues in that area of life.

I was molested by a boy that was much older than me when I was 5/6. Because of that I started watching pornogify when I was about 8 years old, and that made things even worse, but I honestly didn't know what I was doing. Because 1. I didn't really understand what sexual things were, and 2. It was fetishes stuff that wasn't what most people would consider porn, but its what "worked" for me. That honestly makes me feel so disgusting and like garbage, especially because it is still so hard to stay away from even now. It hurts enough for someone to do that, but to have him still effect me sexualy makes me feel physically sick, guilty, and so mad at myself.

I really don't know what is crossing a line in therapy when talking about sex or even if I should talk about it. But this is the type of things that are makeing my life super hard. Like I said though I'm not worried about her judgeing me, but my religion. These types of things like watching porn is not really aloud, and I know I'm a hypocrite to some extent that why I'm not saying my religion ;), but I'm really trying. I went almost 6 months without watching anything, tell about last month when I had a relapse, and now I'm haveing a hard time stopping again. :(:banghead:

I also feel like this is harder to talk about this stuff because I'm a girl. I know men are more likely to have this type of stuff or at least its more socially acceptable for them. I feel really alone and broken, but I feel like I can't talk about it for so many reasons.

There is more than this but that's one of the big things. I just don't know how to be honest about the things that are really bothering me. I don't talk about this stuff.

Sorry long post, thanks for reading. Sorry for awkwardness.:roflmao::hilarious::wtf:

 

[UnicornSightings]

Hello,
I just started going to therapy about 2 months ago after being in the psych ward for 12 D...

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this and hurting and feeling ashamed. Amazing that you’re in therapy, give yourself props for doing that and going back each time and for even considering to talk about this stuff! This would be difficult material for ANYONE to bring up and the fact that you have religion to feel judged by as well.... wow. That’s a lot to grapple. So I think you should do what need to do. And I don’t know what that is for you. Can you ask yourself some questions to explore it more? Like what would happen if you told your therapist this? What would you feel? Could you handle it? Could you recover? What would you need your t to do to get you to talk about? Are you comfortable sharing that with her? If you don’t talk about it, how will that affect you? What’s plan b instead of talking about it? Also maybe how can you talk about it without talking about it? Can you talk about talking about it for awhile? That might be something. Or maybe you can ask for ways to work on self-compassion and work on releasing some of the judgment you have going on against yourself. Wishing you so much peace.

 

[nowthisisme]

Hey, I know exactly how you feel. I am not very religious myself but i was raised in a family that was and i have major guilt when it comes to things i am not supposed to be doing. I was so scared to talk to my T, I was worried that she will judge me or my religion. I was also scared to say the world out loud .. acknowledging it made it real and I'm doomed to go to hell ... Its a hard burden to carry. Trying to please god while fighting your demons ..

After a few sessions i finally explained myself to her and guess what .. it was OK she understood exactly what I was going through and she reassured me that she doesnt judge me but she is here to hold my hand a guide me through my healing proccess.
Of course things didnt get easier and sometimes I still shut down with her but i am not worried about what she might think about it.

You'll be ok, your on the right path, just take one step at a time.

 

[MisterCatLady]

Any good therapist is not there to judge you. They are not thinking what you think they’re thinking. They’re taking what you’re saying and processing it through what they know about disorders and behavior.

Talk about the sex stuff. It’s humiliating but you gotta get it out. It’s poison if you keep quiet about it.

 

[Freida]

I really don't know what is crossing a line in therapy when talking about sex or even if I should talk about it.

I had some of those same concerns - not wanting to talk about things that I was sure would make them puke and run away screaming "Holy crap you won't believe what that whack job in my office just told me!"

What I learned? You can't embarrass a therapist. They have pretty much heard it all. So let her know that you worry about that and park that thought in the background for now. You don't need to rush it. It's ok for you to take some time to build trust before you jump into the stuff you feel really badly about.

Like I said though I'm not worried about her judgeing me, but my religion.

I'm guessing you will be much more judgemental about your religion than she will - because of the need to defend it. Really, to the therapist it should be a non event. It's just a part of the bigger picture she is helping you sort out. Take baby steps if you need to - it's ok.

 

[NightSky]

you are not a hypocrite. You are a human. One who was hurt, and one who is wanting to heal. It’s not your job to represent Christianity. If you believe in God, believe that is His job and not yours. As Christians I believe it’s important how we present ourselves in the areas of loving others and taking care of people. NOT in trying to trick others to believe Christians are perfect. No one is. And that’s a harmful facade. The things you’re talking about will not at all be uncomfortable for your T to hear. Yes it’s uncormortabke for you, but mostly because of Christian culture and how you have polarized within yourself so that you want to punish certain parts of yourself. Your T will not see it the way you do. If it were a child who you knew struggling with the same things after abuse, would you beat that child up or have compassion? You deserve compassion, and that has to be learned. Your T can help you with that, if you don’t keep all of this in thinking you are a horrible person for it. You are not.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Madwomeninabox.... You are not disgusting... And shouldn't be ashamed about your fetishists. OK... Everyone has something they like and as long as nobody is getting hurt then fine.
Your therapist has heard many many things before so please don't worry about it... Shes there to help you.
And God only wants us all to be happy and healthy... So you can only do that when you are better.. Just because you are a minister does not mean you have to be a Saint.
In sorry that stuff happened to you as a kid.. I'm glad you found this forum.. These people understand, listen, support and offer wisdom. Take care

 

[anonymous]

Whenever I talk about things I feel like I'm leaving a bad impression about my religion.

Jesus didn't do these things to you. Nor did God.
A human being did.
Not a religion, a person. A person that used the good things taught to the faithful, then twisted them to their terrible ends. That's where the bad is.
Not the religion that teaches love and kindness, but the bad person or persons who used it as a disguise to do you harm.

I'm not a very faithful Christian, or even a very grateful one. But even I know and believe, Christ doesn't teach hate, fear, and sexual conquest. But love, compassion and kindness.

Yes. People have and do, commit horrible acts in the name of Christ. Or as a front to hide their crimes. But it doesn't mean Christ approved of it.

I really don't know what is crossing a line in therapy when talking about sex or even if I should talk about it.

In most places, the line is drawn at:

• Actual or intended threat to harm yourself or another.

 

[Madmaninabox]

@UnicornSightings thank you so much for the questions I really think the will help me figure out what to do. Thanks for all the support.

 

[Madmaninabox]

@nowthisisme thank you for understanding.
How did you start the conversation with your T

Trying to please god while fighting your demons

that is a great way to put it!!!

I don't know if this will make you feel any better if your not religious now but Ecclesiastes 9:5 says. "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all"
I don't believe we burn forever in hell a loving and caring God would never do that to people. At least thats What I have learned from my bible study. When we die we just die, like a deep sleep without dreams.

It’s humiliating but you gotta get it out. It’s poison if you keep quiet about it.

So true it is like poison!!!

Take baby steps if you need to - it's ok.

Thank you @Freida I think i have been pushing myself a little to hard. I want to get help but maybe holding back a little tell I have a bit more of a base would be a good thing. That idea makes the whole thing seem a bit "safer".

you are not a hypocrite. You are a human.

You make some really good points, I'm not perfect that's God’s job not Mine! I forget sometimes that I'm not the only one in the world who dose stuff wrong.

If it were a child who you knew struggling with the same things after abuse, would you beat that child up or have compassion? You deserve compassion

This is so true!!! If I was talking with an 8 year old about this or even another friend my age, and she had the same problem. I would sit with her cry with her. I would tell her I love her and God dose to, that I'm here to help if she needs me.
It may be surprising, and uncomfortable, but I wouldn't tell her the things im telling myself. That she's disgusting and garbage or a hypocrite!!! When you put it like that I see how hard I'm being on myself, and it doesn't make much sense.


@NightSky thank you so much your words are really helping me!!!

shouldn't be ashamed about your fetishists. OK... Everyone has something they like and as long as nobody is getting hurt then fine.

I get that to some extent, it's just hard to know he's still effecting me. I would like to have a "normal" sex life some day, and that feels out of reach.

I'm glad you found this forum.. These people understand, listen, support and offer wisdom. Take care

I'm really glad I found this forum to!!! It makes me feel sick that you have all been through traumatic things in your life, but it is also a greatful to be understood!!!
Thank you so much for your reply it makes me feel much better that other people don't think I'm disgusting.

 

[Madmaninabox]

@anonymous it wasn't someone in my congregation that did this thankfully :)
It's just the things I have done wrong I'm worried to talk about.
I agree with you though Jesus would never have condoned of people using their position in a congregation to do such horrible things.

 

[nowthisisme]

@nowthisisme thank you for understanding.
How did you start the conversation with your T

I started therapy not knowing I had PTSD, I had absolutely no idea what it was. So I started from scratch with her. But i promised myself I would be 100% honest with her and try and answer every question she threw at me. After a few weeks i had a deep session with her, I explained the background about my abuse, answered all her question honestly. It was the first time I ever opened up to anyone. When we were done she asked me if i felt safe going outside ..i said ya but i was stunned by her question, why wouldn't I feel safe?!
But sure enough, when i stepped outside i felt like i was sucked into the earth (i know weird description) i have no idea how i made it into my car .. i sat there for over 30min trying to ground myself and i would have stayed longer but someone was eyeing me so i drove off.

This made me realize i was not ready to open up and trust her yet, I had no idea who she was and what would the outcome be. So that week i typed out a "project agenda"; what my problems are, what my goals are, and steps to achieving goals.

The number one step was learning to trust my T, in order to do that I typed up questions i had for her, I wanted to know who she was as a person, what background did she come from, what she may do with the info i share, who she can share it with. What makes her uncomfortable, what makes her reject a client, what her religious beliefs are. Question of topics that concerned me. I kept them generalized question so she won't think I'm trying to stock her lol

When I went in for my next session i shared my agenda with her and told her trust is a BIG issue for me and i asked her if i can ask her a few questions that might help me overcome it. She was very open to it and told me to ask away.

I left that session feeling so releaved and comfortable with her. Seeing her as a human with likes, fears, happenes, and sadness rather then a computer trying to analyze my brain made it so much easier for me to move forward. We also talked a lot about religion.

Wow I went into to much details (sorry!)
Hope it helps!