I've been following this thread for a while and I just want to say thank you for everybody's wise and honest perspective. Same boat here as a supporter. Mine doesn't ghost (I see ghosting as disappearing without a word and no reaction to contact attempts,) but isolates. His isolation doesn't happen after "unrelated" triggers (say, something he saw on TV etc.) It invariably happens in relation to me.
It's taken us years, but he is now much better at communicating that his strong (understatement) reaction and subsequent accusations etc. have nothing to do with me. It's gone beyond what we were talking about. That's made it easier to give him space and not feel all too insecure when he isolates.
That said, it's his self-righteousness in those moments--and that's something I've read between the lines in this thread too--that makes me fundamentally question his ability to even be in a relationship that is equal and fair. Supporters aren't mothers, therapists, or service pets. If a sufferer wants to be in a relationship, that needs to be made abundantly clear. My sufferer can't have it both ways, be in a relationship with someone that is supportive and understanding, while at the same offering none of that in return. It's statements like the following that break trust and security: "how dare you feel this way, how could you STILL not understand, how dare you express what you need, MY problems are ten times worse than yours, oh yeah, you feel shitty, how about going through images of being violently raped as a child?"...you catch my drift.
While I can't blame him or anyone else for FEELING that way, there is something to be said for learning to control what you EXPRESS in those moments. As supporters we're doing the hard work of self-soothing and individualizing (as to not become co-dependent.) The same should be expected of sufferers. While intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are obviously outside of his control, I think the step of being able to self-sooth and communicate in those moments is prerequisite to maintaining a relationship.
As to not disclosing the results of treatment and hospital stays. I'm also in the same boat. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, in my eyes. Everybody has a right to keep certain things to themselves. But if these things have a profound and altering effect on my SO and our relationship and therefore myself, then he owes me at least a rudimentary explanation.
At the end of the day it's about granting supporters the freedom and agency to make their own decisions and choices in life. That is inextricably linked to the information they have access to. So much of sufferer's behaviors can be boiled down to keeping other's actions and reactions under control. You can't, you never can. You can only control yourself and your healing. Supporters have had to learn that the hard way. Sufferer's may have to too.
