My therapist's toes

[Deleted member 38906]

I've a had a weird issue (phobia?) with toes for as long as I can remember: I can't stand to see people move their toes. It drives me absolutely INSANE to the point where I either tell them to stop or remove myself from the situation.

My therapist has a footrest in his office and sometimes he rests his feet on it. This didn't bother me at all, not even one bit... until today. For some reason all I could notice was how much he kept moving his toes around. I could feel the irritation building up inside of me (think cartoon character with steam coming out of both ears). I don't feel like I had a very productive session as my attention was partially focused on keeping my frustration at bay. I thought about telling him to put his feet down at one point but just couldn't.

I don't know if I want to go back next week to go through the discomfort again.

I feel so embarrassed that I'm irritated/ trigggered by something as benign as toes.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, what have you done about it?

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Moo.... Tell him.... That's all you can do... He won't mind honestly.....

Please don't stop your support over something that can be fixed....

Do you happen to know why you don't like toes?... It's OK if you don't... And it's OK if you don't want to answer me...

Take care......

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Hi @Moo.... Tell him.... That's all you can do... He won't mind honestly.....

Please...

I have no idea how it started but it dates back to my preteen years. I don't mind toes, they can be quite cute, for some weird reason when they wiggle about they become extremely triggering.

I know I should talk to him but I am really really embarrassed about it. it's something i was teased about growing up so there's a lot of shame behind it too.

 

[Emotional girl]

I would tell him,if the rest of your relationship is going well and you trust him you shouldn't stop your therapy because of this one thing.
Whenever I have something awkward to tell my T I just write it down and give the piece of paper to him and then we discuss things afterwards.
I am pretty sure that your T will be understanding and supportive.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I had a similar experience with my T on our first meeting. She was wearing my trigger color and her office rug color was a stressor. Plus we were doing a basic trauma timeline on top of that. I was so overwhelmed and kept staring at her shirt color.

I ended up sending her an email, saying that I don’t want to dictate what she wears, but that the shirt color had made me really uncomfortable making it harder to stay present. She never mentioned the part I wrote about the shirt but she wore black and white on the next visit, lol. Our next appointment went very well.

I would email him or write it down and hand it to him.

 

[joeylittle]

I know I should talk to him but I am really really embarrassed about it.

It would be good to start practicing talking to him about things that you are embarrassed about or afraid to say. Think of it as practice, seriously. I have found that every time I manage to talk to my T about something that is bothering me, regarding how he and I relate, it ends up being really good for me in a lot of ways.

Part of what he's there for is for you to begin to experience what it's like to just say what you feel.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I can relate to this. I did a post recently about ADHD triggers and how they can be so distracting. I was once really distracted by my T's neon Halloween socks that she wore.

I did bring my triggers up with my T.
Its great because like other people have said, I can practice getting my needs met in a relationship.

It is not possible many times to change what triggers me, but I noticed that the biggest issue causing the distraction is my judgement of it.
Try to notice that you are judging yourself.
Honestly, it makes sense that you would be bothered by something your therapist is doing, you are in a room together doing hard work.
You can try bringing it up and you can tolerate those guilt and high maintenance feelings they may happen.

 

[Stephernovas]

Sometimes I see the reflection of my therapist in the glass part of the table in her office. It distracts and annoys the hell out of me. I simply move the Kleenex box over the spot and inform her of what I'm doing. She doesn't care and laughs. We take a moment to talk about how distracting that can be, then we move on. No big deal.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I have no idea how it started but it dates back to my preteen years. I don't mind toes, they can be quite c...

Well I guess it's time for those feelings to change.. To something else... It's not really your fault.... It's a trigger and we don't tend to pick those... They tend to come out of nowhere..... Please talk to him... You will feel loads better.... Hugs

 

[Lamename01234]

My therapist when collecting myself before leaving would always say: "go to the bathroom and put water on your face and hands if you need to." I know she means it as a way to get grounded before driving. She knows I have had trauma in a bathroom but never put the two together. It always bothered me and did the opposite made me more spacey as I was walking out the door. After a year I mumbled after she said it: "please don't say that anymore, it is hard to hear". I remembered she was a little shocked but she replied: "okay, I did not know and I will try to remember not to say that again."
It was good practice for me to communicate a trigger. It took a year. She has never said it again.

 

[Sideways]

I don't know if I want to go back next week to go through the discomfort again.

Okay, so your thoughts about the toes have caused enough distress to get you to this potential conclusion...

Does your T do any work in DBT? Specifically acceptance and ‘thought diffusion’ stuff?

Just came to mind reading your post and remembering some of your previous threads. Your T’s toes, as a reason to avoid therapy? Seems like (very normal, very common) resistance. I don’t doubt for a second how much discomfort that can arise from what might seem to be little things to another person. But to let your issue with the toes interfere with your recovery? Sounds like resistance.

And I mention that because it’s potentially an issue that has come up before, and may come up again. Resistance can play out in millions of different ways. It’s normal, because therapy is can easily seem like a massive threat to our sense of safety, so resistance is just plain old self-preservation. But it’s important not to let it get the upper hand.

Toes? May make your stomach turn in knots. But compare that discomfort to the amount of discomfort that comes from talking about the hard stuff, and probably the toes? Are not the issue (as real and significant as that discomfort is). There really doesn’t even need to be a whole conversation to resolve this issue, just a comment: “Sorry, I’m finding your feet are really distracting and making it hard for me to concentrate, could you please cover them up? Personal thing about toes!” Resolved!

So, thought diffusion has been massively helpful to me. Took a mass of practice, but I can sit with all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts using thought diffusion. Revenge thoughts, suicidal thoughts, and everything in between. Thoughts about toes? No problem!

Thought diffusion is potentially a tool that you might find helpful, because the thoughts going on in your mind are incredibly powerful, and seem to interfere in your ability to engage with your T in a big big way. Thoughts also cause immense levels of distress, and they really don’t need to. The toes? Aren’t the first time your thoughts about your T have made you want to split, and when your thoughts are that powerful, tools like thought diffusion could be really helpful. Takes practice, but over time, it’s something that has really helped me get in control of thoughts getting out of hand. My thoughts don’t need to dictate my experience of therapy, or life.

Those are just thoughts I had, take them if they help, leave them of they don’t. Just trying to help:)

 

[Deleted member 38906]

UPDATE

Thanks to everyone's encouragement, before we broke for the holidays, I found the courage to tell my therapist about his toes being a trigger for me.

He was very understanding.

He said he was glad I told him bc he wants to make sure I feel safe when I come to his office at all times. He considers triggers to be invisible disabilities.

We met today for the first time after the holidays and there he was again with his feet up, wiggling them around.

I felt incredibly distressed and uncomfortable throughout the whole session. I knew he wasn't doing it on purpose and I knew I should remind him about it, but I just couldn't get myself to bring it up....he was telling me how he's noticed a shift in me and how much more comfortable I seem in his presence. I just couldn't get myself to burst that bubble and be like ACTUALLY I'm dying here inside.

I tucked all of my discomfort down and pretended to be ok and fully present. Even when he asked what I was feeling inside, I just said I was feeling fine.

The distress is still lingering in my body. I feel like I absolutely cannot go back. It's a real shame, cause he's a good therapist and I learn a lot about myself through him.

Does anyone see a solution? Cause I feel really stuck. A part of me is hurt and mad at him for forgetting about my trigger. But another part likes him and knows she's improving with his help.

I though about emailing him and telling him all this. But what if I go back there and he forgets again. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to keep reminding him. It's hard enough talking about a disability the first time.

Also, skype isn't an option. We do sensorimotor therapy which requires face to face interaction.