Sabotaging your progress

[saraemerald]

Anyone have issues with self sabotage? What about allowing toxic people finally get to you when you realise people that were supposedly care about you, aren't happy for you when you are healing PTSD symptoms and you finally more at peace with yourself and your life yet are tired of being strong and nice to people and misunderstood.
Foolish me ruined my peace and happiness and started sabotaging anything that once made me happy.
Anyone else relate to healing and getting to a great place in your life after tons of hard work and effort to get there and then ruin it?

 

[saraemerald]

I have taken my once positive attitude and determined spirit to fight to rise above it all and I have pushed it all down. I have suffocated the real me and hurt and criticized myself and the positive part of me. I have destroyed my once good self esteem and idealism. What have I done to myself? And why?
I once set a good example for others, proving that you have choices in life no matter where you come from and no matter how others hurt you, you are still you. Why would I destroy and attack that part of me?

And why would someone seeing me get better, work to keep me down but pretend to care about me. Someone who knows all the shit I went through? Why do people have to be so miserable and when someone has a good attitude about life and trying to pull their life together, other people are negative and don't care that you are rising above it.
It's almost like some people resent a positive attitude

 

[MrMoonlight]

Anyone else relate to healing and getting to a great place in your life after tons of hard work and effort to get there and then ruin it?

I'm with you @saraemerald I climbed my way to the top of my chosen career a couple times. I proved to myself that I'm not a quitter like someone once told me. I god dang succeed well above and beyond expectation when I had the ability to fight. I am unable to remember a time when there was peace in my life though.

I used to think I could get over my past one day by magic I guess. That day won't come and I no longer expect things to change. Yet here I sit typing away, shirt wet with tears scratching the walls of my cell begging for help. For a guy that has given up I am sure trying like hell to survive and connect (last couple years).

What is going on with you Saraemerald? Are you feeling okay?

 

[MrMoonlight]

And why would someone seeing me get better, work to keep me down but pretend to care about me.

This is actually a question I was forced to look at today. I don't know what I believe right now but I am questioning. I am supposed to see this person in a couple weeks and think I will just have to put this line of questioning on hold until next year. Jesus it's heartbreaking to consider the possibility that from the beginning I was being targeted for whatever reason.

 

[saraemerald]

It's just frustrating when you tap into your survival skills to keep breathing everyday and try to look at the positives to keep you going with people around you who complain about the lamest shit and act all cool with their bad attitudes while you are struggling to make a living with PTSD and struggling to see the bright side and having aquired so many survival skills because of growing up with abuse that isolates you from others and other people look down on you without knowing your story and home life.
And all you're trying to do is keep a smile on your face, always in survival mode working your ass off and when you finally make it to where you knew you could one day but nobody gives a damn, so you ruin it and make your life miserable because the people that were supposed to care spread rumors about you to try and keep you down and because they are insecure, miserable and toxic.
I was SOO excited to finally be in a better place in my life and no more anxiety because I worked through most of my triggers and I forced myself to have a social life no matter how bad my anxiety was and I was able to heal a lot of stuff. My friends were not supportive of my holistic approach to healing and weren't even happy for me. So, I stabbed myself figuratively. I figured they liked me better messed up.
These were all people I grew up with in the religious cult I was raised in. I had to see them almost everyday because I was in the cult too and believed in it so I did what the cult required of it's members. When you are in a cult like that, you typically have to see the same people on a regular basis whether you are friends or not. But, yay, since I sabotaged myself, I got excommunicated from the cult and am now out and I don't believe in it anymore. And sone of those miserable people are still stuck in the cult. So at least that part is good.

 

[saraemerald]

I guess I'm just tired and disappointed. I figured my friends would be happy to see the positive changes in me and my life. But I guess not.
I had a LOT of crazy people in my life when I was growing up in that cult. And a LOT of hypocrisy. I still kept faithfully going and trying to be a good person despite.

 

[saraemerald]

It seems that many of the people I was surrounded by were very negative and always had sooo much drama in their lives and if you were a happy, positive person, you didn't fit in. I remember hiding my joy and excitement sometimes just to fit in.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I guess I'm just tired and disappointed. I figured my friends would be happy to see the positive changes in me and my life. But I guess not.

Oh boy, you just nailed a truth in my life. I woman I grew up with, dated and was the sister of my best firend had contacted me, said how much she loved me and how I will always be part of their family even after 25 years of absence. Well I told her about my new PTSD diagnosis, that was 4 months ago..she dropped our conversation as if PTSD would come through the coax and strangle her. lol She was the first person I told of it.

Hey @saraemerald I'm sorry, and I hear you. I guess we, for right now need to be enough for ourselves. We need to be our own best friend..don't you think?

 

[saraemerald]

Oh boy, you just nailed a truth in my life. I woman I grew up with, dated and was the sister of my...

Yeah, and I need to stop beating myself up. I think I beat myself up because I got sick and tired of always being positive and strong no matter what I went through and putting up with other people's bullshit.
And yes, for some reason, once PTSD is in the mix, all the fake friends either take advantage of you or leave. Like we have something written all over our forehead. People really suck sometimes. And the more caring you are and the stronger you are and the more you try to be the better person, the more other people think they can try and use ya. F@ck them!

 

[saraemerald]

Yeah, and I need to stop beating myself up. I think I beat myself up because I got sick and tired o...

Or they make assumptions that just because you have your shit together because you are a responsible person and work hard, that your life must be perfect. Really... You don't know my life story so stop judging me b#tch! I hate people like that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Change is hard, and to keep up with the change and stay on that path is even harder. Many times we slip back into old behaviors, because it’s juse easier to do.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Self-sabotage....one of my specialties. Like SheCat said, it sometimes feels easier to simply deal with the old bullshit rather than expending the energy it takes to keep trying the new more genuinely effective helpful shit.

I hear you regarding thinking others would perhaps take more kindly to our abilities to pull ourselves out of the various hellish incidents we've experienced as we discover our way through the shit storms of life.

I thought the folks I knew, especially on a more personal level who suffer greatly in their own ills, as well as many quite similar to my own, would be the most excited to see my major health improvements and would want to celebrate and even learn more so they could feel some healing too, but rather, I got just the opposite.

Instead of recognizing, supporting, and celebrating, many of them still, after almost three years, totally disregard many things I need to have in place in my space, offer to go to places they know I can't hang out in, and seem to not pay a damn bit of attention to details and specifics that can take me down in a heartbeat. In my mind I'm often thinking, "Gee, thanks, y'all. Glad your empty accolades make you feel better, because they don't do a damn thing for me except bring me down due to knowing/seeing your words not ever matching your actions."

No one was concerned (or at least if they were, they did a damn good job of keeping quiet about it) when I was feeling like I was on death's door, practically bed-ridden, weighing in at 324 lbs. with a basket full of prescription meds that were making me much worse, and choices that eventually landed me in the ER facing organ removal, but they're all overly concerned now that I use holistic healing methods, changed my diet, lost significant weight, etc. The folks I deal with aren't a recognized cult, but it sometimes feels like that's what I'm up against in trying to communicate.

You really can't make this shit up. It makes it hard to stay healthily motivated when all you see around you is a sea of folks drowning in their own shit, often rather happily, as they're steadily reaching out to grab your hand to take you down with them, because apparently they can't see the view from any other angle, nor do they seem to wish to try to innerstand why other views may be very necessary for some.

At least that's how it feels in my heart. Grateful my frustrations tend to steer me more towards healthy options as a default response nowadays, but I still get thrown way off course at times by immersing myself in the ongoing mindlessness of others in my attempts at interacting and engaging. Healthy = heal-thy, as in self. They just forgot to mention how lonely it can be along the way.