Sexual Assault Realizing rape was planned

[Freida]

I overheard 3 guys planning a gang rape (yes, of me) at a new years eve party. It was a guy I worked with and two of his friends. It was terrifying -- they were talking about how much more they we have to get me to drink so I would "only fight enough to be interesting" what order they would go in and how they would keep me from screaming. I was drunk enough to know I shouldn't drive and sober enough to grab the set of keys to a car belonging to a passed out friend and take his car. I cried all the way back to my dorm - doing 20 mph and hoping I would get pulled over because I knew I was too drunk to be driving. The next day my friend came by to get his keys --- and didn't ask why I took his car. Which told me he knew why. Just another fun filled adventure in the military.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I overheard 3 guys planning a gang rape (yes, of me) at a new years eve party. It was a guy I worked wi...

OH.MY.GOD. That is awful! I feel physically sick about this. I'm so glad you got out of there and nothing happened. Oh, that is just sickening!! Wow... the depravity of some people. My T has worked with a lot of military people and I don't think she would be surprised at all. Geez, I just can't imagine... I'm so sorry!

 

[lookingfor help]

YES! It's a bitter pill to swallow, for sure. It just makes it that much more sinister, especia...

It's definitely it harder for me to trust men, and question a lot of their actions in general. My "relationship" wi

YES! It's a bitter pill to swallow, for sure. It just makes it that much more sinister, especia...

Yh, you go through all that realisation and think, "why me?" And not in anyway because you wish someone else could take your place but just because you can't understand how someone can be so calculating, in my case, to do that to someone they barely knew (still wouldn't be justifiable if he had known me). I guess there is nothing empowering about that, but there is a small victory in taking even a tiny bit of that blame off you, or at least placing it on someone who's reasonable. I spent lot of weeks even months after the r*pe more concerned about my abuser and how he felt over my own health (both mentally and physically), coming to terms with the idea he didn't deserve my sympathy was something I really needed to hear from myself. It doesn't make it any easier, but sometimes it's the step forward you need.

 

[Freida]

@13ReasonsWhyNot yea - it was pretty awful to realize I was just a thing to them. Although if I had known that worse was coming maybe that wouldn't have been as bad instead. And that I even think that is.....disturbing. Anniversary season approaches - que morbid coping skills

 

[lookingfor help]

@13ReasonsWhyNot yea - it was pretty awful to realize I was just a thing to them....

I know, I think people understand only to an extent how realising that can affect you. I know, in my case, having battled with low self esteem and body dysmporhia I could almost stomach what he had done if I could rationalise it with he had wanted me and at least he had found me attractive. That was besides the point though, and not relevant when it came down to it: I had said no, and he had entered the situation intending to get what he wanted, so much of that is clear now in the actions he took. My friends thought I was crazy to even care about that, but I couldn’t help that thinking. Anniversaries are hard for me too; my r*pe hasn’t yet hit a year (it’s just been 7 months now). But that date every month is always hard; reminds me how much time has gone by and how much I’m still trying to figure out how to cope. It’s hard on family (my mum who knows especially); I completely shut down and need to be left alone. It’s almost like my brain is reliving what happened or at least finding it harder to cope with it. I usually stay home, keep to myself, cry, do the unhealthy thing of checking his social media. I hate how familiar I am with his friends and family; a mistake I made really early on and now a habit I can’t get rid of. I missed a friend’s birthday recently because I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house; stayed at home only to find out he was back home for the holidays (he’d spent a couple months travelling) to celebrate his friend’s birthday which fell on the same date. Some sort of sick coincidence. Anyways I’m rambling.

 

[Freida]

@lookingfor help you aren't rambling. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Please, please tell me you are getting help and doing therapy? It may never be easy, but with help it can be more simple

 

[lookingfor help]

@lookingfor help you aren't rambling. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Pleas...

Quite recently yeah. Since going back to university for my second year. It's been hard though, balancing work and therapy. Really haven't found much of a balance yet. It was always compromising one over the other. I'm just glad the semester is over. But therapy. It's still hard opening up; we talk and she's supportive but it's obvious I've numbed myself . It's hard most of the time describing how I feel or even connecting with it in the first place. Even before what happened, I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and trying to finally get some help for that. It's almost more difficult to talk about my health before the incident than it is to acknowledge it on its own. I guess because I'm so used to bottling that up, I almost feel more vulnerable talking about the way I used to see myself than just a black and white version of the r*pe (if that makes any sense). Maybe knowing I always needed help, and it being hard to see that the incident is the reason I can finally get some, whilst being the very thing that made things worse.

@lookingfor help you aren't rambling. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Pleas...

@Freida thanks so much for your concern. It means a lot.

 

[lookingfor help]

What hurts most when I look back was his persistence. We met through Tinder (please hold back from being judgemental, I’m sure whatever you’re thinking I’ve already attacked myself for). We went to university in the same city and he had tried three times already to meet with me, until I finally agreed on the fourth attempt. I always had my hesitations and let friends know every step of the way what was going on but that’s not the point. It hurts to think that at any point he could’ve just left me alone and let me live my life. Of course it wouldn’t have felt great, having low self-esteem and a guy you’re interested in suddenly disappearing, but it would’ve been a thousand times easier to deal with than what I’m going through now. Why didn’t he just leave me alone?

 

[Freida]

Why didn’t he just leave me alone?

because - as I am learning - he was a predator. It doesn't matter if you met him on Tinder, or at school or at church. He was a predator who was looking for his next victim. And sadly you were the person who crossed his path. You did everything right. You just didn't know how to prepare for someone like this. My Ts are yammer at me constantly about this -- it wasn't my fault, I was a victim (god I hate that word!), I was up against a kind of evil that nothing in my life had prepared me for. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to accept that -- but. when I read what you have written it makes perfect sense.

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and crossed paths with evil. Simple as that. There was NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome. He was evil. You were not. You did nothing wrong.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

It hurts to think that at any point he could’ve just left me alone and let me live my life.

This. This is what makes it so disturbing. That they could have but chose not to!

You just didn’t know how to prepare for someone like this.

Also this. It’s hard to see evil when you aren’t evil. At least at first. Especially when they have a plan.

 

[Freida]

It’s hard to see evil when you aren’t evil.

I still can't understand it. My Ts beat it into my head --- but it is so far out of my realm that I just can't accept anyone could be that evil. Once I can accept it they think my therapy can progress -- but right now it just hurts my soul. I'm only now beginning to say "things he did to me" rather than "things I did."

 

[lookingfor help]

I still can't understand it. My Ts beat it into my head --- but it is so far out of my realm that I just...

I was so sure I had done something wrong. I spent months going back and saying in my head that I wasn’t enough in some way or wasn’t good enough. And that’s why he hurt me and left. I think it’s hard for friends and family to understand that in the short time I was getting to know him I felt comfortable. He was kind and funny and “nervous”, and I can’t help but think without what happened next, things were perfect. He did what he did, made an attempt to force me a second time, before he asked to see me the next day. (I never saw him again - honestly because I never heard from him after). Later in a police station, I was told by an officer it’s because he knew what he did was wrong, but I continued to try and give him the benefit of the doubt. :( You’re right there’s nothing that can prepare you for something like that. I didn’t even know what to call it after it happened to me. Just the perception of r*pe you’re fed and what it looks like. I didn’t think I fit this “perfect victim” mould or that even people would see what happened to me as r*pe. I’m just trying to be louder and stronger in saying there’s nothing I could’ve done, because he had the chance to stop, and his version of happened that he later told police just proves that.