Fragmentation And PTSD Or C-PTSD?

[Pixie]

Oh wow. Thank you so much!

I have been working with my psych now for over a year, just recently I started writing out my history for us to work through, complete with pictures etc. It is so hard when the connection to who I was is so broken and fragmented, not only my childhood but it appears my adulthood also.

I have often had people try and tell me that this is "normal" and it really hurts when they say that because it is like they are really invalidating me and my experience of it. I think to some degree, they do get it but don't understand the absolute depth of pain associated with it.

Grainne, I realised after I had written about the anger thing, that I don't often experience outbursts of anger, but instead I internalise it and end up raging upon myself. Unfortunately this sometimes translates into SI/SH which no one around me can understand. I really understand when you say you have zero sympathy for who you were when you were young. My psych is constantly telling me that I am way to hard on myself... but I don't see it that way.

Onefineday - I've learned over time that sometimes the symptoms that are experienced with PTSD can come from many different things. It may not be something that you consider "traumatizing" as such. From what I know and have read, someone who has experienced something like the issues often associated with an alcoholic partner or parents can be traumatized too by the experience. Someone who has been emotionally blackmailed or something like that can also experience it. Do you have a therapist or someone that you talk too that is helping you?

Pixie

 

[Onefineday]

Onefineday - I've learned over time that sometimes the symptoms that are experienced with PTSD can come from many different things. It may not be something that you consider "traumatizing" as such. From what I know and have read, someone who has experienced something like the issues often associated with an alcoholic partner or parents can be traumatized too by the experience. Someone who has been emotionally blackmailed or something like that can also experience it. Do you have a therapist or someone that you talk too that is helping you?

Pixie

Wow, I think I may have found another answer, this sounds like something I may actually have I think. So many people in my family are alcoholics including both my parents and my grandfather. Seeing my mum past out on the door step or having to steal her bank card to try and get money out for food before she spent it on alcohol, and I had to move into my own home when I was 17 because she couldn't look after herself let alone me. Plus I got a lot of emotional, verbal and mental abuse, especially from my mums now ex-boyfriend. He would tell me I was a drama queen, selfshish, that I played mind games, that I'm manipulating people to get what I want and that all the bad things that were happening to us was because my negative thoughts were creating bad vibes that make things happen. Now I can't handle being around alcohol, and I can't handle people being angry at me or calling me those names.
That's a little bit of stuff that happened, does it sound like C-PTSD? I do have a therapist, she is good but I've seen so many people and yet most of the info I've found is stuff I've found on my own. I might suggest it to her and see what she says if it's something that sounds relevant to me.

 

[Pixie]

You would need to discuss it with your therapist (glad you have one) as she would know you best if you have been talking to her about your experiences. Hopefully she can clear up some confusion for you.

There are some differences between PTSD and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which are explained in Wikipedia and is also posted in the C-PTSD information section. That has helped me to better understand the difference. I'm not sure (hopefully some others can have some input) but I think C-PTSD is differentiated by abuse that occurred earlier on in childhood (say... toddler stage onwards) and constant. My psych said that the difference is to do with severe emotional dysregulation and fragmentation, which are not covered in the DSMV (is that right?) list for PTSD.

As an example of another aspect of fragmentation...one of the things I have trouble with is talking about and understanding myself as one "complete" person. I often switch between referring to myself as singular and plural (i.e. using "we" or "she" instead of "I" or "me") because even though I know facts about myself, the feelings are so ... foreign? to me that it doesn't even feel like it is actually "me" who is feeling them. Would welcome any input from others about this... I'd like to clarify that for myself too...

Pixie

 

[anni]

Hi Pixie,

I'm reading so many great answers to your post that I don't know if you wish for more, but thought I'd add in case having people in the forum identify with your feelings helps at all. Yours is like the 3rd thread I've seen just today that I identify with and have to say that it does help me to know that others have aspects of their PTSD which are the same as mine.

It feels to me as if my emotions have sometimes been filed off, blunted and no longer exist. Yes i get triggered and upset, sad, depressed, alienated, anxious and confused but paradoxically no longer have a 'startle' reflex. It's just not there anymore. I went from years of being hypervigilent to nothing at all. The kids think it's hilarious ( which it is ) to do the 'boo' thing from behind a door because I simply do not react. A near miss car accident or something that should provoke a natural response gets nothing beyond me saying 'crap!'. A lot of people think I'm really, really calm! THAT makes me laugh because if they only knew!

I also rarely become angry anymore. Irritated sometimes, frazzled or annoyed but never angry. Like I said, it feels as if my nerve endings have been sandpapered off.

Looking at pictures of me in any previous year. much less as a child is something I can't do, either.I'm baffled as to why, as I'm baffled by so many of the PTSD manifestations in my life. I don't even like saying "My, I, or Me" when writing here. It feels like I also have no idea on the planet who the heck that is, and also like I don't quite deserve the attention, even from myself.

The PTSD ( c ) is of around 20 years duration. I've had 5 years of great therapy, my therapist retired and part of joining here is to get the impetous to get back to therapy.It's been terribly helpfull even though I'm still not picking up the phone and sceduling some. I will, I absolutely know this and am not putting off healing. I'm struggling with avoidance and the dam phone is a huge issue.

Thanks for posting and for being one more in a long line of genuinely helpful people here! Hope whatever I could add to your experience here is a little helpful to you also.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Pixie]

Sorry to be bringing this thread up again but I just found it and decided to read through, not remembering posting it... anyway, I just wanted to comment quickly to Onebravegirl:

I wondered if it may be worth asking your Therapist about DID.

I don't remember reading this but I just recently asked my psych about this after a particularly disturbing appt the previous week where I ... "disappeared" and he said that I am on the DID scale...

Thanks for the suggestion and for the encouragement!

Rell

 

[Fennel]

Pixie, I am very familiar with fragmentation. Sometimes I'm not even aware when my memories are fragmented, but there are times when my wife will point it out to me. For example, when I am at the doctor's office and they ask for my medical history, I almost nearly never remember the same things. Sometimes I can absolutely remember how old I was at the onset of certain symptoms and other times it's all very cloudy and confusing. Another example--and I have worked very hard to make this less pronounced--is that there are almost two separate sides to me: the very rational, cognitively-based, level-headed Fennel, and the hyper-irrational, suicidal, anger-ridden Fennel.

Pixie, you're definitely not broken or damaged goods. Fragmentation is your body and mind's way to try to process the trauma you have been through. Please don't blame yourself for what is a typical neurological response to extreme circumstances.

If you have a therapist you can ask him or her for techniques on how to help put the fragments back into place. Some of the techniques my therapist mentioned to me are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and EMDR, although I know that not all techniques work for everyone. For example, with EMDR, they often use an alternating visual or auditory stimulus in the procedure, but since I'm deafblind, they had to use a mild electric shock on either of my legs. This served to trigger me more heavily since some of my trauma is related to electric shock. On the other hand, CBT has helped me tremendously with reconnecting my rational and irrational sides and has helped to eliminate a lot of my dissociative behavior. I don't dissociate nearly as often and when I do I don't dissociate as heavily.

However if you have a mental health professional you can work together to find whatever techniques work best to help you put the pieces back together. Hopefully with time you will be able to figure out ways to feel more "put together" and whole.

Best of luck in your journey of healing.

Fennel

 

[seaworthy]

I am just now realizing what has happened to me and how fragmented and dys-associated I am from feelings, thoughts, events and my actions. I feel like I'm been dropped from a tornado into the middle of the Superbowl field at half time...nude.

I experience everything Pixie and many others wrote about. I don't recognize myself today when I look in the mirror. I see myself as I was 20 years...at a pre-Trauma age.

When I become aware of Traumas that have occurred to me and their debilitating effects on me, I do my best to respond matter-of-factly, like, "Oh, well...more grist for the healing mill." I don't want to become overly pre-occupied or narcissistically fascinated by my healing process.

"There is gold in adversity; therefore, we are deeply blessed."

seaworthy

 

[RosieNorth]

Hi Pixie, There are so many things in your post that I can relate to, especially the fragmentation. When I was a teenager and for many years afterward, I was just broken. At that time there wasn't the knowledge of PTSD that there is today and so I just muddled through. But I want to talk about anger, and not feeling it. For so many years I never got angry and people always marveled at how calm I was. They would say"Does anything ever upset you?" Last spring something pushed me over the edge though and I got so pissed off that I could hardly stand it. I mean the feelings were almost unbearable. I started breaking stuff in my house like dishes and the vacuum cleaner. I was alone at the time and my kids were in school, so I figured that it was better to get it out of my system then. I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror and thought, that's the scariest woman I've ever seen.
After a few more afternoons of dish breaking therapy, I felt a little better and much clearer in the head.
Maybe I'm crazy? It is cheaper than a phsychiatrist though!

 

[Cryptantha]

Hi Pixie!

I get feelings like that when I look at photos of myself as well, and also tend not to become angry, even when I should. I take the anger (most times without realizing) and turn it to sadness because that's "safer." I tend to please so I don't incite anger in others. Looking at pictures from my past (there aren't many that I own) is strange because I have absolutely no memory of those things that happened. I feel like I should know, and it's very frustrating. You're not broken because you turn off emotions and don't remember. The people that caused you (and all of us sufferers) trauma are broken, in my opinion. They are twisted, sick, sadistic people.

RosieNorth: I've gotten that same rage a few times and it's scary in its intensity. I've only ever done it when I'm alone, but I can't bring myself to harm anything, even if it's just a dish. Tough times then, not knowing what to DO with it. You're not crazy, I've felt that. I don't think any of us is crazy. I say again the abusers were, not us. I used to get made fun of for going to therapy, and always thought to myself, the abuser should be here too, why doesn't that happen? What if they could be fixed? I know sometimes it's not possible, but sometimes I wonder.

 

[Hollow]

Hi Pixie.

I can really relate to what you are writing. I could probabley have written something like that myself.

About the anger, I feel much the same..but I do get angry. A lot. But doesn't show.
I can be so angry I shivver and the tensions in my jaw is causing me pain... But i swallow it all and make it all into a destructive hate towards myself for getting angry at at all.

I can't remember much of my childhood, and it's like you just have written the words I have been unable to find.

''I know these images are of me, but when I look at that person, I have no sense of "connection" to her. I don't know what she was like, what she thought about, what her life was like. It is like I don't even know who I am!''

There you have it.

I'm not too good with words, but I can always send good thoughts and hope that you will feel better whan you see you're not alone.

 

[maria]

I have often had people try and tell me that this is "normal" and it really hurts when they say that because it is like they are really invalidating me and my experience of it. I think to some degree, they do get it but don't understand the absolute depth of pain associated with it.

Hi Pixie,

I've had people tell me what I'm feeling is "normal" too. It does hurt when people don't get it. But for the most part, I think they are well-meaning. They're just trying to make us feel better.

Maybe I'm crazy (ha ha), but it helps me to admit at least to myself that I am mentally ill. If I face that blunt truth, I can stop pussy-footing around it. I don't have to waste time or energy defending my normalcy.

maria

 

[seaworthy]

Hi again, Pixie,... I relate with your original post on the 'fragmentation'. I can't put words to it, but I just feel the same way.
Today, I'm finding that my stopping my substance in the last few weeks my constant resort to something to put in my body
or some zone out behavior, has brought to my awareness a terror of mine and that is the fragmented way I am feeling now.

You've helped me so much to start dialoguing with my dissociation and get down and committed to healing the Trauma.
I was Traumatized and dissociated as a child. I did therapy (a harmful joke) and I did years of focused work on my own with
every modality available to me and in the end, the dissociation I had in 1982 from my childhood sexual assault was mended and has never returned.
However, when I got seriously re-Traumatized in 1991, beginning with a series of 4 serious head injuries, it seems
I dissociated again. I was determined never to dissociate again and I've hated mysel(ves) for years because that was
my natural response to events and circumstances that were beyond the realm of human experience. To me: dissociation = freak!...
one of those horror movies where the multiple personality person has murdered someone.

In stopping all my chemical suppressants, I feel my dissociation has bloomed. I feel like a big nerf ball...
derealized and fuzzy and stuck in a state of terror. I know how I feel isn't going to kill me...although it feels
that way...I've already flipped out and for me that's to 'dissociate'...I just don't completely lose my thread.
I remember from before that I felt completely insane with the realizations of my childhood sexual assaults,
but I stayed with the healing process and I flipped in.

seaworthy