Supporter Wife with ptsd, did, where do i belong...

[SamRuck]

Hi,
my wife has d.i.d. We've been married nearly 30 years. She and I have been walking the healing journey together for her d.i.d. the last 10 years. As she began to, finally, deal with her early childhood trauma, the first 5 or 6 years were filled with PTSD issues. We kind of fell into attachment theory strategies and eventually I was able to help her walk thru all those issues, and at this point it's been a couple years since we've had to deal with that. She still has d.i.d. as I'm still working with her to connect the various 'alters'.

I just don't fit anywhere it seems. I don't know if I will fit here since she's past most of the PTSD stuff at this point. I guide her healing journey, though she has full agency to reject or accept what I suggest. So, I'm not a therapist, just a husband who is fully committed to walking and carrying her when necessary thru this healing journey. I keep hoping to find a group where I'm allowed to be who I am and contribute what we've learned but also find support for the stress that trauma issues bring to a marriage.
Sam

 

[AnD]

Welcome! There is a supporter area if you want to connect with others supporters too.
You seem like a kinda caring soul. I hope you are remembering to take care of you too.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome.

I don't know if I will fit here since she's past most of the PTSD stuff at this point.

That's great to hear - though, I'm sure you know, PTSD symptoms can come and go. You might find some of the experiences of others here, helpful.

I guide her healing journey, though she has full agency to reject or accept what I suggest. So, I'm not a therapist, just a husband who is fully committed to walking and carrying her when necessary thru this healing journey.

I'm curious - does she work with a therapist as well?

 

[SamRuck]

The ptsd symptoms won't come and go IF you heal and assimilate the underlying trauma memories like we have with my wife...but I do realize that since we are also dealing with major dissociative issues we could uncover more trauma memories which might trigger new ptsd issues. But the longer we have been on this journey, the easier and milder the issues have become because she is getting stronger and healthier.

She doesn't work with a 'therapist' per se, but she does have a 'counselor' of sorts who helped a lot in the beginning, but at this point my wife is past the counselor's know how, but they became friends along the healing journey, and so they still meet irregularly some.

 

[Gs172003]

Hi,
my wife has d.i.d. We've been married nearly 30 years. She and I have been walking the healing jour...

I wish there was more supporters like you. Welcome

 

[joeylittle]

The ptsd symptoms won't come and go IF you heal and assimilate the underlying trauma memories like we have with my wife

I don't know that science would back this statement 100%. The truth is, since there is no hard science to show us exactly what PTSD is, there's no way to say with certainty that it can be eradicated fully.

Anecdotally, many sufferers here would say that they can get quite far into their recovery, and have pretty much their whole symptom profile get cleared up, but still find that extraordinary stress may bring back some of those symptoms. And others would say that, as far as they can tell, they haven't had any symptoms flare up following completion of any one of a number of trauma-processing techniques.

She doesn't work with a 'therapist' per se

Interesting. Had she been diagnosed with PTSD/DID before you met, or was that something that happened after you were married?

 

[SamRuck]

I don't know that science would back this statement 100%. The truth is, since there is no hard science to show us exactly what PTSD is, there's no way to say with certainty that it can be eradicated fully.

You are correct that the 'science' is iffy on much about our understanding not only about PTSD but about the brain/mind, mental health issues, etc, and there's a civil war brewing over whether the biomedical model of mental health is even accurate. So I guess none of us can say with 100% certainty about anything, but as I've walked my wife thru the healing journey, and helped her heal the trauma from the past, once she processed those trauma memories and then entered those memories into her overall narrative, it seems that her brain/mind was no longer at war with itself, which is essentially how I viewed her PTSD from the outside. From my perspective all those PTSD symptoms were her brain/mind clashing with itself, essentially 'unhappy' that the trauma memories had been sequestered (i.e. dissociated) into various inaccessible areas. And so the subconscious brain/mind attempts to reintroduce those memories back into the general narrative, and yet the rest of conscious brain/mind struggles against that reintroduction and hence all the symptoms that come with it.

So only time will tell. I hope I'm correct, and thus far it would seem that I am, but this is my first and only go at it, so I realize I could totally have it wrong.

Interesting. Had she been diagnosed with PTSD/DID before you met, or was that something that happened after you were married?

No. We were married for nearly 20 years before she got the diagnosis. D.I.D. seems to desperately want to stay 'hidden' and I certainly had no other experience with any other women and so all the little clues that were there, I missed. Heck, now that I know what it is, I see the telltale signs in in a couple of other people in my life, you probably would too if you knew what to look for. I think it's even more prevalent than the expert 'guesses' about how many people have it.

 

[Suzetig]

I hope I'm correct, and thus far it would seem that I am, but this is my first and only go at it, so I realize I could totally have it wrong.

How would you know that you have it wrong? What would tell you? I ask because you're throwing around terms like attachment theory and trauma processing but as far as I can see you have no formal training? PTSD is a curious beast, DID more so, it does flare up from time to time and can really shape shift depending on what's happening at the time for the sufferer.

You seem pretty sure your approach is the right one, but how would know if you were merely keeping her stuck, or replacing one issue for another? I ask because both PTSD and DID do need some form of professional support and care, does your wife have a medical team working with her? What is their view of your approach?

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

I’m wondering too, why your wife isn’t seeing a therapist to support her through this. Has your wife had a recent diagnostic work up done by a doctor or therapist? Or are you the one who has done the primary diagnosing and treatment?

This is really hard stuff to take on. Many trauma therapists see their own therapists because the work can bring them down and they have to sort out their own stuff along the way. Who is there in your life to support you?

 

[SamRuck]

You seem pretty sure your approach is the right one, but how would know if you were merely keeping her stuck, or replacing one issue for another? I ask because both PTSD and DID do need some form of professional support and care, does your wife have a medical team working with her? What is their view of your approach?

@Suzetig, I'm not sure, from your tone that there is anything I could say that would assuage your concerns, sigh. I used to read extensively of the professional literature so that I could understand the issues and know best how to help my wife. I don't 'throw' terms around. I've worked 24/7 with my wife for the last 10 years 'in the trenches' and, sure, I've had missteps along the way, but I'm constantly looking to my wife for feedback or simply observing her to see if things are getting better or worse.

But it appears I have already raised the alarm on this website, and I'm simply not up to more fights to justify than I'm not some lunatic or ignoraumus destroying my wife. She has healed and grown in ways that ISSTD can't even fathom. I stopped reading their stuff 5 years ago because my wife was way past their understanding of d.i.d. It's a 'curious' beast as you put it, absolutely inscrutable in many ways, and yet at it's heart it's been called an 'attachment disorder' and as my wife's primary attachment figure I am in the best place to help her heal.
Take care,
Sam

 

[Suzetig]

That's some level of defensiveness you've got going on there. You don't need to "assuage my concerns", I'm a random Internet person, my views shouldn't matter a damn to you. You're reading a "tone" that simply isn't there but I'm going to assume your wife doesn't have professional support and/or that professionals aren't too sure about what you're doing.

In any event, I'm interested. I've not come across anyone using your approach with DID and given you've posted about it openly on a public forum, it's fair to expect that people would have questions. You're not bandaging a cut knee here, you're playing with your wife's psyche - professionals with many years of advanced training struggle to make headway with DID so I think it's reasonable to ask about what you're doing - it's a discussion forum not an echo chamber.

 

[SamRuck]

That's some level of defensiveness you've got going on there.

In any event, I'm interested. I've not come across anyone using your approach with DID and given you've posted about it openly on a public forum, it's fair to expect that people would have questions. You're not bandaging a cut knee here, you're playing with your wife's psyche - professionals with many years of advanced training struggle to make headway with DID so I think it's reasonable to ask about what you're doing - it's a discussion forum not an echo chamber.

No, it's not defensiveness. It's fatigue. You are correct that my wife and I aren't doing it the 'typical' way and yet we are NOT using voodoo science. I'm using attachment theory and the concepts of neural plasticity, mostly. I come onto these forums and see the desperation of people, both SO's and the actual sufferers, and I remember how my wife and I were the first 5 years. It was like a 24/7 trauma ward and it freaking NEVER stopped for us. But as I learned how to apply attachment theory to my wife's PTSD and DID, things began to get better until at this point, most of that ptsd stuff is a distant memory. But d.i.d. is a lot more difficult to undo than her ptsd was, and so that's where we've been for the last 5 years: helping the various 'alters' connect. If you've seen United States of Tara that was a study in how not to do things. Unlike that show, all my wife's alters are securely attached to me. And all 8 of them have varying degrees of internal connection at this point. But the neural atrophy after 45 years of dissociation can't be 'magic-ed' away. It's hard work using neural plasticity concepts to enable them to internally communicate.

Anyway, maybe it would just be better if you moderators 'vet' me. I'm tired of being in places where I'm not welcome just because my wife and I aren't doing things like everyone else.

< moderator edit to remove link for self promotion. See Community Constitution for more information. >

Or I will answer any legitimate questions. But I'm not ignorant of the issues. I am well read of the professional literature, and my wife is doing better than nearly anyone else I have ever read who has d.i.d./cptsd. There are others out there who do what I do. Some have dropped by my blog. So I know I'm not the only one doing what I'm doing, but I've been told my blog is unique.

@Justmehere The dsm allows for non-professionals to diagnose d.i.d., too. You need to understand that only 6% of the people with d.i.d. have florid d.i.d. like my wife. I would suggest that's partially because I made our marriage and family a safe place for the alters to come out and join us. Anyway, my wife's counselor suggested she might have d.i.d. and over the last 10 years, 7 other 'alters' have joined us.
Sam