SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I'm sorry. I'm sure everyone is so over me writing excessive threads every other day. I just feel so stuck. It's been getting really bad. Living with my parents for 3.5 months came for financial reasons, so it is what it is, but I'm really struggling.
Living on my own after that, doing my job, it all hangs on my mental state, which has been up and down all year. I was just getting better, but after few weeks I let negative words overpower my positivity and there I am again.
Being afraid to look at my calendar. Being indifferent to the date and the passing days. Being okay with not doing more than just some work in bed, no side projects, no new jobs, no working out. Everything feels hard and slow, weighing me down. I need to be independent to get out of here, I need to be good mentally to be independent, and being in this environment is making my mental state worse. It's like a riddle or a magic circle, and I don't know how to get out of it.
Every day I give up a little more- less planning in my lovely planner, less reading, less dancing, less socializing. I need something-anything- at this point, anything to feel joy, because I feel so off, so indifferent. I'm the most passionate person usually, and depression on me tends to be a lot of crying, but now I have closed off. Even to myself, somehow. I feel like a shadow of myself. Like there are things to do and strive for, but not now, because for now I barely get through my days. It's all nice and good- I get up, I eat, I sleep, I do my work, I keep myself groomed. But I'm not sure what happened to all my goals and projects and desires, I barely get myself out of bed.
Some days I feel the need to be impulsive, do whatever, whenever. Buy random office supplies to inspire myself for fresh start in studying a language. Do something, anything that helps me feel better. I'm so at the end of my patience with myself. I want to kick myself into shape, tell myself I've been in worse positions and made it through, that I'm not stupid, ugly or lazy, but I don't feel enough energy to even do that...
Living on my own after that, doing my job, it all hangs on my mental state, which has been up and down all year. I was just getting better, but after few weeks I let negative words overpower my positivity and there I am again.
Being afraid to look at my calendar. Being indifferent to the date and the passing days. Being okay with not doing more than just some work in bed, no side projects, no new jobs, no working out. Everything feels hard and slow, weighing me down. I need to be independent to get out of here, I need to be good mentally to be independent, and being in this environment is making my mental state worse. It's like a riddle or a magic circle, and I don't know how to get out of it.
Every day I give up a little more- less planning in my lovely planner, less reading, less dancing, less socializing. I need something-anything- at this point, anything to feel joy, because I feel so off, so indifferent. I'm the most passionate person usually, and depression on me tends to be a lot of crying, but now I have closed off. Even to myself, somehow. I feel like a shadow of myself. Like there are things to do and strive for, but not now, because for now I barely get through my days. It's all nice and good- I get up, I eat, I sleep, I do my work, I keep myself groomed. But I'm not sure what happened to all my goals and projects and desires, I barely get myself out of bed.
Some days I feel the need to be impulsive, do whatever, whenever. Buy random office supplies to inspire myself for fresh start in studying a language. Do something, anything that helps me feel better. I'm so at the end of my patience with myself. I want to kick myself into shape, tell myself I've been in worse positions and made it through, that I'm not stupid, ugly or lazy, but I don't feel enough energy to even do that...
