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Deleted member 45530
I have borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, PTSD, social anxiety, and my psychiatrist likes to think I have bipolar disorder because no one wants to diagnose me with it.
I've been told I have autism (lol not even close), bipolar disorder (pills don't work, don't have distinguishable mood swings), and depression (that was a fun waste of time and money for about a decade; pills never worked. Quit cold turkey and not a single side effect) by three different doctors, except for the depression issue.
If someone would like to fight me on my self-diagnosis, I'll make it simple. Look up the diagnostic criteria (5 out of 9 symptoms must be present). I have: abandonment issues, unstable relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive behaviors, self-harming behavior (hasn't happened for a few months), alternating mood, chronic boredom (this one sucks), major anger issues, and dissociating. That equals 9/9. If you still don't believe me, you're basically calling me a liar.
Anyway, my whole life has been one traumatic event after another, beginning at age 2. My therapist said I developed the role of the victim from early on, which is why bad things keep happening to me. I am very anxious around females. I brace myself when I'm alone with females I don't know or if I feel they're a threat, especially ones my own age. Sometimes the threat isn't even real. They have been evil to me my whole life. I feel like I'm going to get hit sometimes. Almost every traumatic event has involved females that I have experienced. The others, mostly white males. So, I typically try staying away from them, too. And black males. So I stick with brown males to subconsciously feel safer.
I avoid so many things, people, and places. Especially thoughts. That's where the OCD comes in. The OCD pretty much started when my grandma died. I was 12. That was one of the major traumatic events.
I have pretty much no friends. I hate females so much that I hate being one. I consider myself gender non-binary. I have always wanted to be the opposite sex. I got rejected by the boys in grade school time after time. Then when I still tried being their friend like on the bus, they would bully me too, just like the girls. And now, I can never keep male friends. They leave as soon as they know for sure that I won't date them. Which sucks because I relate to men so much more than women. You have no idea. By looking at me you wouldn't think so, though. I had a best friend. He was a gay guy. It was perfect. No attraction. But still a guy I could relate to. Then this summer, he betrayed me like everyone does. He stole a beer at state fair. It was me, him, and his boyfriend. They found the beer in his pocket, and the vendor identified him alone. When the cop asked who did it, he pointed at me and said, "She did."
Part of my PTSD comes from dealing with cops. One incident was when I made a 911 call about being suicidal (my therapist told me to call 911 if I felt like I was going to kill myself). The other was when my brother threw me against the wall. I'm never calling the cops again. They do NOT help. They make things worse. The incident at state fair was the third incident. It was terrible. I can't express how terrible it all was without going into detail.
There are several other incidents which I'm pretty sure you can guess at. Me being a woman and all. A weak, stupid, vulnerable woman. And people wonder why I have gender issues lol. That adds to it!
I made an account on this website because my intrusive thoughts are so bad right now. Especially since my last abusive relationship this summer. Abuse, abuse, abuse, it never ends lol. But I'd rather be abused than alone. It's like a drug addiction. It helps in the moment, but after the high is gone, it just adds to the slow destruction of your mind, health, and body. Until you find the next hit.
I've been told I have autism (lol not even close), bipolar disorder (pills don't work, don't have distinguishable mood swings), and depression (that was a fun waste of time and money for about a decade; pills never worked. Quit cold turkey and not a single side effect) by three different doctors, except for the depression issue.
If someone would like to fight me on my self-diagnosis, I'll make it simple. Look up the diagnostic criteria (5 out of 9 symptoms must be present). I have: abandonment issues, unstable relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive behaviors, self-harming behavior (hasn't happened for a few months), alternating mood, chronic boredom (this one sucks), major anger issues, and dissociating. That equals 9/9. If you still don't believe me, you're basically calling me a liar.
Anyway, my whole life has been one traumatic event after another, beginning at age 2. My therapist said I developed the role of the victim from early on, which is why bad things keep happening to me. I am very anxious around females. I brace myself when I'm alone with females I don't know or if I feel they're a threat, especially ones my own age. Sometimes the threat isn't even real. They have been evil to me my whole life. I feel like I'm going to get hit sometimes. Almost every traumatic event has involved females that I have experienced. The others, mostly white males. So, I typically try staying away from them, too. And black males. So I stick with brown males to subconsciously feel safer.
I avoid so many things, people, and places. Especially thoughts. That's where the OCD comes in. The OCD pretty much started when my grandma died. I was 12. That was one of the major traumatic events.
I have pretty much no friends. I hate females so much that I hate being one. I consider myself gender non-binary. I have always wanted to be the opposite sex. I got rejected by the boys in grade school time after time. Then when I still tried being their friend like on the bus, they would bully me too, just like the girls. And now, I can never keep male friends. They leave as soon as they know for sure that I won't date them. Which sucks because I relate to men so much more than women. You have no idea. By looking at me you wouldn't think so, though. I had a best friend. He was a gay guy. It was perfect. No attraction. But still a guy I could relate to. Then this summer, he betrayed me like everyone does. He stole a beer at state fair. It was me, him, and his boyfriend. They found the beer in his pocket, and the vendor identified him alone. When the cop asked who did it, he pointed at me and said, "She did."
Part of my PTSD comes from dealing with cops. One incident was when I made a 911 call about being suicidal (my therapist told me to call 911 if I felt like I was going to kill myself). The other was when my brother threw me against the wall. I'm never calling the cops again. They do NOT help. They make things worse. The incident at state fair was the third incident. It was terrible. I can't express how terrible it all was without going into detail.
There are several other incidents which I'm pretty sure you can guess at. Me being a woman and all. A weak, stupid, vulnerable woman. And people wonder why I have gender issues lol. That adds to it!
I made an account on this website because my intrusive thoughts are so bad right now. Especially since my last abusive relationship this summer. Abuse, abuse, abuse, it never ends lol. But I'd rather be abused than alone. It's like a drug addiction. It helps in the moment, but after the high is gone, it just adds to the slow destruction of your mind, health, and body. Until you find the next hit.
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