Healing is a trigger

[Stephernovas]

I don't want this to be true, but after my car accident I have had to stop my regular routine at the gym. I was very healthy and very fit, but after being concussed (wasn't allowed to drive), sustaining physical injuries, and developing PTSD (avoiding driving) I had to stop. I'm currently working with a physiotherapist (who currently is also doing acupuncture treatment with me), a massage therapist, a kinesiologist, and of course a psychotherapist. Oh, and I've also hired a personal trainer that I'm trying to see twice a week (sometimes I cancel due to budgeting, and others due to physical limitations). I also was seeing a concussion doctor (but since the last time I saw her where she told me my concussion appeared overall lessened to almost healed, she suggested I try gradually returning to work. When I told her to stop the discussion because I was getting anxious she grinned and said, "I know" and pursued the topic. I panicked and haven't re-booked with her since).

Worker's comp has sent me to their doctor's in town, but there were some issues where I didn't want to see him as he was ignorant to my trauma and PTSD, which lead me to panic in his office. He then sent me to emergency (because apparently he/his office doesn't know how to deal with a panic attack?) and forced me to have an assessment by the mental health team at the hospital (which is stupid and shows his ignorance, as I already have a diagnosis of PTSD from my psych assessment from my psychotherapists office, which he had a f*cking copy of and even addressed in our conversation!!)

ANYWAY, I've gained about 35lbs that I am eager to lose/change back into muscle. I've done the whole body transformation before, so I know it's possible. However, emotionally it's hard. Mentally it does wonders for me, and I know it's the perfect lifestyle for me. But, here enters the trauma and PTSD again. So after being smashed around in the vehicle that one fateful night, all the worker's comp doctors (they also sent me to Toronto) have assessed me and claim that I'm in pain because my body is 'still healing'. Now, I'll somewhat grant belief to that claim, but with anyone/any report affiliated or sourced from worker's comp, I am extremely skeptical. I know their main goal is to get me off their program and return to work vs. me actually being 100% ready to return.

Overall, my psychotherapist is aware I am not ready to return and has my back - which is an amazing relief. Physically, I'm doing much better from the concussion and if I refrain from any physical activity I feel okay. The crappy thing is, I'm finding any stretching or exercises given by physio/kinesiologist ache while I do them (to be expected), AND cause me great discomfort the following day - I'll toss and turn at night with soreness and pain to my injured areas, as well as wake up with a headache.

This morning, I am sitting here with a headache stemming from my neck being strained and tense. It travels down into my low back, and radiates into my hips/butt. Every time I move and feel this pain, it triggers intrusive thoughts/images of what happened to me, and everything I've lost because of it. I no longer work (which was a blessing in disguise), I don't attend the gym as much (as I explained, but this is something I adore and used to keep sane), I avoid driving (an element of my independence is gone due to this), and with 'professionals', especially worker's comp making decisions regarding my care/life...well, that takes a lot away from a person. I still have my mental faculties and by this all feels like I have a power of attorney.

Ugh. I am a very independent person and am beating myself up for not being able to return to the gym (and even return to work like worker's comp keeps drilling into my head). I struggle with setting boundaries for stuff like this, and identifying for myself and others that certain things are not okay for me, and they need to stop/back off. I'll ignore my discomfort and push through to complete the task/desire of someone else. I'm sure you all can interpret the ramifications of doing this.

It's honestly so bad that my brain is set to ignore the severity of my accident that others have called as 'traumatic', 'horrific', 'life changing', and that I'm 'lucky to be alive'. I look at the pictures, or think about it and I feel nothing. I see it as though it never happened and I should move on and get back to work/life. If any struggles come from it, oh well. Deal with it.

And here I sit, struggling with wondering why I can't do things I used to before this accident.

**brain explodes from too much conflictual thinking**

 

[Cyberluddite]

The physical injuries from a traumatic event have a way of resurfacing later on, during periods of stress. Sometimes it's the PT, sometimes it's having to people with people who should have the common sense to know you're not being a psychosomatic hypochondriac.

You're fine.

Welcome to "ghost pains".

 

[Stephernovas]

I don't think it's ghost pains, as they have never really left. These are typical pains that I've experienced since the accident.

 

[Cyberluddite]

This morning, I am sitting here with a headache stemming from my neck being strained and tense. It travels down into my low back, and radiates into my hips/butt. Every time I move and feel this pain, it triggers intrusive thoughts/images of what happened to me, and everything I've lost because of it. I no longer work (which was a blessing in disguise), I don't attend the gym as much (as I explained, but this is something I adore and used to keep sane), I avoid driving (an element of my independence is gone due to this), and with 'professionals', especially worker's comp making decisions regarding my care/life...well, that takes a lot away from a person. I still have my mental faculties and by this all feels like I have a power of attorney.

Emphasis added, because those statements are common for secondary trauma. Have you mentioned this to your T, and if so what did they say?

If not, please consider doing so. Also, mindfulness/meditation exercises can help retrain your thoughts towards taking back at least some level of control in your life. No guarantees, but things to consider when the opportunity strikes.

There are times when I'm really hungry, tired, or stressed/frustrated, and I wake up in the morning with my feet feeling like the bottom of their arches are fractured. Or my lower back, left knee, and/or sciatic nerve start warming up for tenor duets with Pavrotti.

But the mindfulness exercises help answer "is it real, or is it Memorex?" Finding little things to do, that give a small sense of accomplishment, can give you a boost of confidence and serotonin.

But like I said, run it by your T and see what they think. There may be more we're both missing, that's why we pay them the big bucks. ;)
Good luck. You are in control of your body, even when everything else seems to be run by squirrels. :hug: Cut yourself from slack, too... even Superman has his limits.

You've totally got this, @Stephernovas . And you're doing great. :tup:

 

[scout86]

struggling with wondering why I can't do things I used to before this accident.

Maybe you just can't do them yet? My T has actually told me I'm not allowed to ask questions that include the word "why?" (I'm so bad at that that he relented and said I could ask HIM if I absolutely had to, but not myself. LOL) His point was that those kind of questions tend to morph into reasons for beating yourself up.

But, maybe there are actual physical reasons, in your case. And, maybe, those pains really ARE a literal trigger for symptoms and maybe something like exposure therapy would work?

 

[Stephernovas]

Emphasis added, because those statements are common for secondary trauma. Have you mentioned this...

I think I know what you mean, but the term is not secondary trauma. I believe what you mean is compound trauma? For example, my accident was my trauma (A), but now I'm dealing with the aftermath of it (B) which has been traumatic too, so (A)+(B)=(C), which means I'm dealing with them individually AND both of them together (C).

My therapist is trying to do exposure therapy with me and pair it with relaxation/mindfulness, but I'm a resistant @sshole. I understand the difference between pain and other stressors that mask in your body as aches and pains. I'm very good at being self-aware of my body. That's why it's so frustrating to me because I tell people exactly what it is, but they seem to ignore it and insist I'm interpreting things wrong. Then that causes me extra stress, so now their statement is ringing a little bit of truth. Ugh. Such a cyclical spiral!

I've heard it all my life, and now from my therapist, I'm too hard on myself. I wish I could do therapy regarding this without worker's comp breathing down my neck. That's a good chunk of what makes this process so damn hard. I already struggle with giving myself a well deserved and much needed break, but yet here I am trying to blast through all of this. I find it sad that I can identify the issues, I just can't get past them.

#thisiswhyyouareintherapy.




Oh. All this, and my complete lack of trust for everyone else. I mean I can play 'life', and make myself seem normal, but at the end of the day I know only I have my own back.

 

[Kopykat]

Hi @Stephernovas, I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I can somewhat relate as I’m still fighting a work comp battle even though I am no longer employed at the place. I was injured to the point I needed a disc replaced in my neck but the work comp doctor said I was perfectly fine and could return to normal duty despite the fact I had severe pain and my doctors said no I needed surgery.

Work comp is tough bc they make you feel like you are completely in the wrong and want you to get back to work even before you may be ready. Have you seen your own private doctors? You have a right to a second opinion. Work comp will bully you. From experience, if you feel you’re being mistreated, consult a lawyer, you don’t have to hire one but you should know your rights.

Believe me I understand about the mental healing. My work comp incident I was physically attacked at work several times, I documented it, talked to my supervisors and nothing eventually it triggered a big PTSD response that landed me in the hospital. It’s good you have a therapist. It’s been over a year for me but it’s going to take time.

I can totally understand the extra hyper vigilance and panic, even w day to day tasks. Don’t be afraid to let your therapist advocate for you too. I would assume Canada has similar rights as the US when it comes to that stuff.

In the end, do what’s best for you, don’t let people tell you to “just push through it” or that “you’re fine” when you’re not. Oh and document everything lol.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I fell Dec 23 2016, slipped on ice and went down hard. Ended up with concussion, detached viterous, damaged muscles around my eye, double and blurry vision and had to wear a prism on my glasses for 3 months. Still have issues with a huge floater in my eye.....Pinched nerve and bursitis in my left hip that I’ve had 3 steroid injections and will be on Tegrotol for the rest of my life. I’m in pain everyday 24/7 and yet I manage to get to work everyday.

Do I have anxiety about going out I the snow and ice??? Yes, but I do it. I really think that you need to work on the anxiety part of all of this. Personally, I think that you’re letting anxiety rule your life right now, and if this continues it will take over your life.

Facing the shit that bothers us, is the only way to take command of the situation, no matter how awful it may seem or feel.

 

[Stephernovas]

Oh and document everything lol.

lol I have a whole worker's comp binder. At the time of my injury, I was a mental health case manager so I told them flat out that I knew exactly what they were doing. I've ben pretty good at advocating for myself, but it has not been easy. I'm frustrated as well that my therapist said (a few weeks back) that my distaste to return to my jobs (that both included a ton of daily driving) was simply avoidance. I get she has to say things that push my boundaries, but when I heard that I was like "Man, this woman is crazy!" Regarding clients, I have lost my ability to be empathetic, given the treatment I've received going through the system myself. Not only do I not want to drive and have the accident occur again and, I don't want to be reminded of this every day at work (okay, yes there is a little avoidance - but as my therapist stated, "some avoidance is good"), but I don't want to put anyone else through this kind of crap. I am just done with it. If I drive in the future, I want it to be for my personal use, and not as a requirement for work.

After crashing, I laid in my bed thinking to myself that I needed to change a few things in my life because if that was it for me I would not have been satisfied that I died living life the way I had been. I've struggled so much and have been stuck miserable most of my life. I was just getting to the good stuff. That job, that life, and that work was not for me. The world literally smashed into me to tell me that. There are some signs in life where you just have to listen.

I think that you’re letting anxiety rule your life right no

I'm going to disagree here, only because I usually face challenges head on. As well, I simply have no interest in returning to my previous positions. I am still attending the gym, doing my exercises and attending therapy, so I'm tackling the anxiety everyday. If I want to do something I will. I am simply frustrated by how much it triggers me and how many times it comes into my mind. Not to mention, when the pain happens in the gym and the physio/kine tell me to back off and take it easy, there's not much more I can do to 'get back out there'. I mean, great for you for returning to work, but that's an individual choice.

 

[Cyberluddite]

Before what happened to me a few years back, I thought I could handle just about anything head-on and win.

I'm just now starting to write again, and getting the itch to return to illustrating. Up until now, for about 4 years, I made every excuse I could think of as to why I was finished as an artist.

But the time away from the "life I used to be good at", while it could qualify as avoidance, ended up giving me the time and opportunity to discover other skills I'm actually pretty good at. If it hadn't been for my ego getting a helluva smackdown, I'd still be a small fish in the ebook world.

My point is, sure things may look bad right now. Recovery's not supposed to be easy. But if you play your cards right, and learn to leverage your setbacks, there's a possibility that you'll be better at "the life you used to be good at" when all is said and done.

You're not weak, and you're not complaining. One does not simply... walk off a major car accident. ;) You're learning that sometimes there is no answer to "why", because you haven't yet found the answer needed to ask "why".

"The harder you search, the harder it will be to find; once you stop searching, you'll find it everywhere you look."

And yeah, at the end of the day it really does come down to you having your own back. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a battle you were meant to lead.

P.S. -- You're right, it is "compound". My apologies.

Think about it this way.

You've worked as a mental health counselor. Imagine what you could accomplish, having seen things now from both sides of your desk.

One day at a time. Worker's comp is a major @$$ to everyone, it'd be a bad sign if they suddenly became all puppies and sunshine.

 

[Stephernovas]

I'm working on backing off from pushing myself, but definitely harder with the organization funding your recovery/therapy is the one being pushy and saying, "are you sure you REALLLLLY are traumatized? like, maybe we should double check..." lol..for someone who has a hard time identifying emotions and knowing what their feeling that's quite impactful on my recovery. I'll get through it, just super hard.

 

[Kopykat]

@Stephernovas I worked w adults w disabilities as a behavior therapist, studying for my behavior analyst certification, I worked w one guy who had autism who just did not belong there, he didn’t thrive. At the end of the day I wasn’t mad at him I was so disappointed w the agency I worked for and how unsympathetic they were to their employees who had mental illness/sought treatment. I was like this is a joke right, isn’t this in your mission statement. I am still not better physically and may have to have more surgery and mentally...I get angry, I get anxious at times. I actually joined this site bc almost a year after the incident I got my first flashback and it was so intense I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t and I didn’t feel safe at all. I’m still learning to adapt. I also learned that that field is no longer for me, I spent 10 years in it and I can’t. Everyone around me is mad bc I worked so hard to get my masters for it but hey when someone rearranged your spine it kinda gives you a pause. I can empathize w your avoidance issues, but as everyone says eventually you’ll have to start facing some of the stuff. It’s ok to not take on everything at once though. And it’s ok to not be ok w everything that happened to you. There’s no time limit on your healing.