Questions about avoidance

[Cleo1521]

I'm going to suggest you think about that and see if maybe there's a better way to think about it. What...

Your last sentenace is spot on. And I know this is all much more complicated than saying right or wrong things. What the few of us close to him know is that he’s very shutdown. It could be an explosion in the middle of a conversation about a tv show. When he’s speaking to me I never question how he’s feeling or what’s going on in his head. I allow him to talk to me as he feels comfortable and he does. Is it best to not even attempt communication right now? I apologized to him for not always knowing the right and wrong things to say and how to react and not react and that I love him. That was about a week ago. I’m trying to learn...that’s why I’m here.

You sound like my husband. He doesn't think anything has happened but that's not how I see it.

I’m trying to understand.


I spent 12 hours in bed watching

 

[Gs172003]

I spent 12 hours in bed watching

Watching what?

 

[Cleo1521]

You sound like my husband. He doesn't think anything has happened but that's not how I see it.

I spent 12 hours in bed watching movies with him and the next day he stopped speaking to me. Like I said I’m trying to understand or make sense of something like that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Zoogal, It's Us on youtube. She was a service dog handler which is how I found them. He retired and has since passed. She is very open and honest about PTSD and has a personal channel where she has talked about it more and both her and her husband have given PTSD relationship advise.

He lashes out if the wrong thing is said. Or he holes up in his room. There’s pretty much zero communication about the way he’s feeling and that’s fine. I think a little communication could help everyone try and cope with this better. He lashes out and puts it on me or something that I’ve done. But I know I’ve done nothing, but I can’t argue that with him because whatever is going on in his head doesn’t allow him to see that.

Ok, placed in my world, my blind rage explosions had nothing to do with them or what we were speaking about. It was the anxiety built up, never allowed to expressed or relieve any other way (nor did I have any good coping skills at the time) and any ounce of even a tiny bit of stress and it was like a bomb exploded. It took years of therapy to just feel it a minute before so I could eccape the situation but still have exploded and the only time it stopped was the moment I lived alone again. So, that isn't about you or what is happening at the time most likely. The stress cup shows you have stressed builds up and when its overfilling is when it happens. But that is about built up stress, anxiety, and other things. Not about you specificlly. You are only there at the time sadly. Which is why many PTSDer avoids relationships. Why put someone through that?

It's an expression (maybe not a real useful one) of what he's feeling.

Yes, exactly!

@Cleo1521, I respect you trying to understand but the reason I don't advise why I isolated, because unless you have PTSD there will be many things you won't understand. You don't need to understand all the whys. Just understand that he will need space, maybe lash out (and it is completely ok for you to not be ok with name calling and so forth but I would give him space to express how he feels and without treatment I am positive it is very confusing for him) and give him space to isolate when needed, no expectations except for maybe a text saying he is alive, and don't take it personal. Understand that intamacy is hard for PTSDers and when the stress cup is overfillinf he will need to isolate.

 

[Gs172003]

I spent 12 hours in bed watching movies with him and the next day he stopped speaking to me. Like I sa...

Sorry to hear that. I'm not going to try to pretend to know what's going on with him . I wasn't there and it could be a million things.

 

[scout86]

I apologized to him for not always knowing the right and wrong things to say and how to react and not react and that I love him.

I don't know that you have anything to apologize for.

This kind of goes back to what I said at first. Here's how that situation looks to me, if I'm in his position. I just blew up at someone I care about over something stupid. I KNOW that it was over something stupid and that my reaction was all out of proportion and I'm acting like a crazy person. And yet I can't see to find a way to help that. (This is the reason PTSD is called a DISORDER.) And NOW that person I care about is upset and is APOLOGIZING to ME because I acted like a jerk! I should probably just kill myself and be done with it.

The only reasonable thing to do is avoid them for their own good.

I'm not exaggerating.

I can't swear that that's how HE feels, it's how it works for me. There are other people who tend to blame other people for their problems. They probably put a different spin on this and someone else would have to answer for them.

 

[Cleo1521]

@Zoogal, It's Us on youtube. She was a service dog handler which is how I...

I don’t need to know all of the whys and I don’t want to because I know I won’t understand. I’m just trying to get a different point of view of what he’s going through so I can learn to cope with it better while he’s in the process of starting therapy. Thank you for being so open and honest.

I don't know that you have anything to apologize for.

This kind of goes back to what I said at first....

I apologize because I feel like it’s my fault that he shuts down. Thank you for helping me realize a lot of things I had no idea about before I joined here.

 

[Freida]

I was triggered in a big way yesterday and I am in total isolate mood. God help the person who tries to interact with me right now because I KNOW I'm going to blow up at them. I can hold it together while dealing with strangers or people who don't know me well - but not with those closest to me. Why? I have no f**ing idea. Its called ptsd. I went from being fine at 830pm and being a raving totally isolating bitch at 900pm and I'm still there the next day. Luckily I have counseling today so hopefully she can get me grounded again. In the mean time ...please forgive me I sound harsh. The only reason I'm answering this post is because of how many things you have said in this post that would have totally pissed me off if I was your sufferer. I'm hoping it will help you see how totally and completely irrational we can become

Its not you, its PTSD and isolation is a part of a PTSD relationship, forever. I would read from those that have been in a PTSD relationship for years. Their PTSD partner still isolates.

Get this thru your head. If you are thinking this is going to go away, or because you love him you will the only person he wont do it to you are dreaming. This shit is a nightmare and I (we) will take it out on those closest to us if we don't get away from them. Stop trying to figure it out because you will never be able to. WE cant figure out why it happens so give up trying to find an answer. If you want a relationship with someone who has ptsd then you accept this as part of them. It's like marrying someone with kids -- you have to deal with them if you want the person even if you don't like kids. So learn from the other supporters on how to set boundaries you can live with and accept this is your life or move on to someone else who is easier to live with.

I spent 12 hours in bed watching movies with him and

If hubby did this it would be a HUGE mistake. I am trying to get AWAY from him. Why in world would he invade my space for 12 hours?? that is 12 hours I have to mind everything I say, do or think because he is going to be all "whats the matter hunny" "why aren't you talking to me" don't you want me to cuddle you". NO. what I want is for you to get away from me so I don't explode at you.But no -- now I have 12 more hours of no chance to let my stress go...because he was so freeking insecure he couldn't leave me alone for one day

just blew up at someone I care about over something stupid. I KNOW that it was over something stupid and that my reaction was all out of proportion and I'm acting like a crazy person. And yet I can't see to find a way to help that. (This is the reason PTSD is called a DISORDER.) And NOW that person I care about is upset and is APOLOGIZING to ME because I acted like a jerk! I should probably just kill myself and be done with it.

YES YES YES Read this over and over... Print it out and carry it with you. I KNOW at some point today I'm going to blow over something idiotic. I know it. But I can't stop it. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE PTSD. So that means that along with trying to beat my demons into submission I'm also going to have to worry about apologizing for being mean to those around me. Or, I can isolate in the house, take off for points unknown, not talk to people, whatever it takes to get away.

There is no good answer.

Again I'm not trying to be harsh -- but since I'm right where your sufferer is in the isolating thing (but just far enough ahead in therapy to be articulate) I'm hoping it gives you a reality check of what might be going thru his mind. PTSD is a nightmare for everyone involved. Especially if you haven't learned coping skills -- and by that I mean both of you.

 

[Cleo1521]

I was triggered in a big way yesterday and I am in total isolate mood. God help the person who tries to...

No need to apologize for being harsh. Thank you for all of that. I wasn’t there for 12 hours unwanted. He wanted me there. I would never force my company on him.

 

[Gs172003]

I was triggered in a big way yesterday and I am in total isolate mood. God help the person who tries to...

I can't like this enough

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I KNOW at some point today I'm going to blow over something idiotic. I know it. But I can't stop it. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE PTSD.

Yes, yes, and yes! I am right there as well. Isolating even from the site. Its that bad. It gets that bad. Sure, I know the holidays played a part. I have no idea why this holiday was worse then the other years. I can guess that with my therapist being on vacation for weeks, and then other stressers in my life played a part but the actual real whys aren't there. How to get out of it isn't there either. The more I dig the deeper I go. I stop, settle, and then try again. Eventually I will get there but @Cleo1521, we isolate to save you from dealing with the shit storm that happens during isolation. I like to think of it like everyone is walking on pavement but my pavement is full of holes and eventually I fall in a hole. Everyone else has to stay on their pavement. They can't help me up. I must deal with my demons, and dig myself out. But while in there think of it like a tornado and anything we touch is going to get affected by it. So we isolate. Many times, for me, I have to get away. I cannot stand to be around people. Before my dad moved out just him being here was annoying. Just his presence was disgusting me. Now theres a huge back story to that but the point is I knew it, said it in my diary here a lot, but could not stop myself from the massive annoyance I felt and it showed, a lot. I am not saying that he is disgusted by you but I am saying that he isolates to save you from the really bad parts of PTSD, going off right and left, and yeah, showing major annoyance because you are simply there (which isnt your fault). The best advise anyone can give you is set some great boundries. Stick to them. I would go to counseling as well. Many supporters on here have their own counselors. Learn to set and stick to approrpate boundries. Then just let him be. Know isolation will happen. It's not you but rather PTSD. Know he is doing it because he cares about you. He doesn't want to hurt you. And stay true to those boundries that hopefully a couples counselor helps you both set together.

ETA: And understand that this is a part of PTSD for the remainder of his life. As are other things. There is no cure for PTSD. It can be managed but it can and will pop back up at any given time.

 

[Buttercup]

Us on youtube

I could not find that @Zoogal , do you have her name?