Relationship Provoking

[Buttercup]

Feelings: frustration, confusion, anger, more frustration, sadness.

I think the best thing anyone can do about it is communicate openly so the supporter can understand better and not take it so personally when it's happening.

Also, when that behavior is over, apologize and admit responsibility. Self reflection on these behaviors when you're able to do that.

That's all I got. It's hard to tell someone how not to do those things when I am not in those shoes and don't do that myself, you know? I only know what would make things a little better on my end.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Supervixn In the beginning, it pissed me off to high heaven. I got defensive, angry, frustrated, anxious......I was walking a tightrope over a lion cage.

We can’t correct their behavior but I think we can correct our reactions to this behavior. I learned the basics of how to do that here on these forums. I learned more skills in my own therapy.

 

[Supervixn]

@Supervixn In the beginning, it pissed me off to high heaven. I got defensive, an...

What were those skills if i can ask you to briefly summarize?

 

[Snowflakes]

What were those skills if i can ask you to briefly summarize?

My personal boundaries are to simply be treated reasonably respectful, to not accuse me of things I have not done and/or said, to give me a signal or notice of when you need to isolate, and don’t make me pay for the sins of your past. When I first got here, I didn’t set those boundaries. I, as Sweetpea76 describes, became a martyr to her illness. Because I went to therapy, I have truly come to believe it is the illness causing her to provoke me, not the core of who she is. It may look like malicious intent but I know now it’s the illness.

When my sufferer lashes out at me, I simply call her out. I’ll say something along the lines of “I know that’s not true” and, if she continues, I simply remove myself from the situation. When she settles down, I do not bring it up and life continues. Her therapist has her journaling and they address the issues in therapy which seems to have lessened what I experience. I think she is still fighting the demons but is learning to manage them better and by simply not engaging, I manage better.

So, to directly answer your question, I’ve learned to not take her provocations personally and I disengage from the conversation rather quickly. If moving to another room is not sufficient, I’ll leave the house and find something to do.

I’m a really low key easygoing man, very little bothers me so if it’s a minor issue about not picking up my laundry, that’s not an issue. I’ll do what my wife tells me. But when she goes through my phone to see if I’m really cheating with the neighbor, that’s my line in the sand.

 

[Cleo1521]

My personal boundaries are to simply be treated reasonably respectful, to not accuse me of things I...

Did it take some time to even get to the point of being able to communicate these things?

 

[Snowflakes]

Did it take some time to even get to the point of being able to communicate these things?

Yes. In my case, it took almost a year. Because neither of us was in therapy, she did not know how to manage her illness and I did not know how to manage my reactions to her illness. When I came here almost a year ago, I was at the end of my rope after living this way for 10 years. I learned much from the people here and the greatest step for me was going to my own therapist to help me cope and to learn new skills so I could quit “walking on eggshells” and “get off the roller coaster ride”

My sufferer actually left me but returned to our home. By this time, I had learned how to set and enforce my own boundaries. I gently told her that I was never going to tell her what to do but that I believed we were at a fork in the road of our lives. If we continued, we would grow so far apart that we would be better apart or that we could both go to therapy to bring us closer. That was the start of our being able to communicate these things. She still struggles but she goes to one-on-one therapy weekly and group therapy weekly and both are helping her manage her illness. I now go to therapy once every other week.

It’s a long process and most likely a lifelong process but my life as her supporter is much more peaceful than it was a year ago. My sufferer still deals with her demons but she has a good support system now with her therapist, group sessions, and a more knowledgeable supporter husband.

 

[Cleo1521]

Yes. In my case, it took almost a year. Because neither of us was in therapy, she did not know how t...

I am at the zero communication part and no therapy on both ends. Mine just shuts down and stops speaking to me for lord knows how long this time. Therapy starts soon. Your story gives me hope...for both of us.

 

[Friday]

I never know what that ^^^is. Gaslighting. manipulation?

When I do that, I say I’m being an asshole.

At least when I’m picking a fight, which I do for a lot of different reasons, I own it. Blaming someone else for my own shitstorm? Yep. I’m being an asshole, alright.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Yes. In my case, it took almost a year. Because neither of us was in therapy, she did not know how t...

I only wish I could get my ex to understand the benefits of therapy. He left me back in August the first time and I immediately started researching ptsd. The articles and this forum has been so enlightening. I’m currently in a shut-out/avoidance period with my ex and it’s been since right before Thanksgiving (the longest time since dating him). I’ve still been supportive from a distance and hoping and praying that he’ll pull himself out of the darkness. I know things won’t be the exact same, but at least I’m equipped with knowing how to set boundaries and not moving too fast with our friendship/relationship.

 

[Cleo1521]

I only wish I could get my ex to understand the benefits of therapy. He left me back in August the first t...

I feel your pain. Coming here was the best decision I made.

 

[Freida]

I'm in isolate mode right now -- and last night I was livid with hubby over something that happened when I was trying to share how I was feeling. I'm not sure how to explain it but he hurt my feelings and pissed me off. For the first time (ever I think) I was able to tell him that I knew I was not being rational but I couldnt' stop the feelings so I wanted to bring it up instead of stewing on it for two or three weeks and then blowing up. I'm not sure if it was good or bad. I'm still pissed at him -- but I know I'm in isolate mode so I don't know if its him or me. I'm very confused. I don't have words so I can't discuss. and he pisses me off just being in the same room so its hard not to blow up on him. And I have no idea why

 

[Freida]

I always wonder why doesn't he just say he needs a break for a couple hours

because I don't know I need a break until after I blow up. That's my first indication there is a problem