Why do i find it so hard to ask for help???????????

[Ms Priss]

I have extreme difficulty asking for help. Many times in my life there was no one to ask, and other times I got blown off so I try to be very independent. But the truth is no one should be as alone as I am...like no man is an island

Couple that with living with a psychopath where you were not allowed to have needs and if you did you were shamed or everything was done to make sure those needs were not met. Then add the fact I find it nearly impossible to make myself vulnerable at this point.

However, I asked my older sister to go to my therapy appt. with me on Friday. We have a rather dysfunctional relationship which goes back to childhood. She simply does not understand, and has not made much effort in the past. But in the last 6 months I told her I could sense a softening in her, and that I understood why she cannot understand and I was partially wrong to expect her to.

I can see where some of the things she does are done with love. I do the same with her, but we have trouble getting together.

Lately she has asked me how she can help...I am not really sure what the answer is to that.

My asking her to go with me was so maybe the counselor can give her some understanding and direction that I simply cannot.

Also I want to get some direction from the counselor where we are going with this so I have written a list of the things I feel are things that need addressed which are not being addressed.

She very readily agreed to go. and today we had a discussion of what we may be able to accomplish from this.

I have never had anything like that.

Trying to just roll with it being a good thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone else find it really really hard to ask for help?

 

[Muted]

Yes, typically.

 

[ladee]

I still have problems asking for help... and like you, always questioning myself if I was going to the wrong people, or I was just being whiney and trying to get attention...

At least here, as a general rule, people hear us and respond to exactly what is going on... here we are understood... and believed... and helped... so yes, it's hard to ask for help... and to some degree, its a good thing we seek our own answers, but now and then, we need feedback and suggestions from our peers... so , you are not alone.... it will get a little more comfortable when you see that people are listening....

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I have a very hard time asking for help!

I think we learn how to ask for help by taking baby steps!

Hugs.

 

[mumstheword]

Yes, there was a whole thread devoted to this not long ago, so it's very common for a lot of us.
Feeling for you! (((Hugs!))))

 

[Deleted member 541]

I find it easier to ask for help from NON family members. Yet some that I ask for help, I always make sure that I pay them in some way, either monetary or with a gift. Usually though, I’m independent and don’t ask.

 

[Friday]

Anyone else find it really really hard to ask for help?

Generally speaking / oversimplified a smidge

If I’m able to ask for help, I don’t need it; & if I need it, I don’t ask.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I have a lot of things I need to regularly ask for help with, like for instance, getting a ride somewhere. I can call Transit and reserve a ride and pay for it, when Transit is running, but they don't generally run before 9 AM, after 5PM or on weekends. So I end up calling a lot of folks and asking for rides now and then, really at least once a week, if not twice or three times. Sometimes it is SO hard to ask, to call, to beg, and like you say, get blown off sometimes too. In fact, even though the next person I call is not related to nor even knows about the last person who turned me down, it is so hard to call anyone after having been turned down by someone. I don't really understand why! Sometimes I just don't call anyone. I walk or just don't go, rather than risk being turned down again. I have all kinds of weather gear for this reason.

 

[Muted]

Because when you do, nobody listens anyway, nobody hears you...so you quit asking.

 

[MrMoonlight]

vulnerability, embarrassment, risk being f****d over or manipulated. For instance I won't tell anyone what my worst smell trigger is for fear of it being used against me somehow. Crazy I know...

 

[shimmerz]

This for sure. Or added to that is being mis-understood.

nobody listens anyway, nobody hears you...so you quit asking.

And this

risk being f****d over or manipulated. For instance I won't tell anyone what my worst smell trigger is for fear of it being used against me somehow.

And no, not crazy. This can be very real, depending on who I am dealing with. It was a hard, hard lesson. My kids father continues to hit on what he knows are my 'weaknesses'.

Tell people too much and they can destroy you. It's no joke.

 

[Ms Priss]

Thanks for all the replies. I used to ask too until I got turned down and turned away so much it now literally causes me physical pain to ask.

I have been turned away from so many agencies because I make a few dollars more than their limit so I am not qualified and yet with my income things are out of my reach. After so much of it, I find it plays on the I do not matter, am unimportant and not worthy .I do not believe that law of attraction stuff at all because I think those things have been taught to me..the unworthiness and such. I do believe I am worthy and deserving, but it just does not happen.

I live in govt. subsidized housing( the one thing I qualify for), and there are so many people here who are playing the system so much and they get away with it. I do not have the ability nor the desire to be like that, but it gets old when they live better than you so I just do not bother with any of them anymore. Sometimes I look at them and think how out of proportion my shame is because they feel not an ounce of shame. Oh well, keep my eyes on my own game.

Am glad my sister is going with me; however, I think of all the years she could have been there and was totally missing in action...try to remember that was then and this is now.

Just very very tired and my health is starting to reflect that.

Being too negative so will end for now.

still think I am worthy and deserving but it just does not happen for me.