Relationship Boyfriend started loving me again, and now its gone..again!!

[Deleted member 44240]

I hear you and how terrible you feel. This isn't just a run of the mill breakup. PTSD push/pulls or breakups never are. Aside from the devastation that being broken up with always leaves behind, what complicates it with PTSD is that sufferers often find a way (due to panic or irrational thinking or just sheer desperation) to blame their supporter for the breakup.

As tough as it was to hear, I got it loud and clear. However, there are so many mixed messages here, that it’s got me confused on how I should behave with him. Some say hang in there with him because of ptsd, some say move on. I just don’t really know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Justmehr and Hoojay, thank you for your replies.
I will write a short reply as I am being forced to come out the house :(
at all!

Unfortunately, it can’t be fixed; at least not right now. I’ve tried to fix things and still trying. Mine is adamant about not wanting to speak to me or see me because of his thinking I betrayed him. He’s been gone since November. I wish you the best with working through this rough time.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I can’t accept that my 7 yr relationship is dead. Just like that.

I don’t believe him when he says he does not have feelings for me!! Am I stupid to think this?

 

[Hojay]

Some say hang in there with him because of ptsd, some say move on. I just don’t really know what to do.

It IS confusing. More confusing than if some non-sufferer broke up with us for sure. What's the status of your relationship, if I may ask? You're broken up, but you reach out occasionally and sometimes he replies to say that he's not well enough? That's just what I pulled from your previous comment. I'm assuming he's done this before and come back? Or is this the first time? Or rather, what is making you reach out? Wanting to maintain a friendship or trying to keep a foot in the door? I know, a lot of questions. I hope they don't sound leading. None of them are meant as a judgement.

because of his thinking I betrayed him

Oh, and can I ask how he thinks you betrayed him? Don't worry if it's irrational, I know how these things go...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It IS confusing. More confusing than if some non-sufferer broke up with us for sure. What's the status of...

I assume that we’re broken up due to what he said back in September initially, but we were able to maintain a friendship. Since November he has shut down contact and not really speaking with me. He has ghosted before but it was only a few days or maybe a week at most. I would like to maintain our friendship because we had a pretty good friendship before we started dating. He has said that he needed more time because he was upset over finding out that I spoke to others about his personal life and mental illness, which I’m not sure of what’s he’s speaking about. I reach out because I’m holding on to what I think to be a solid friendship; maybe I’m fooling myself. I don’t believe his irrational reasoning for shutting down as I would him seeking solace with his ex who is extremely toxic and psychotic. I’ve read where they will sometimes go back to a toxic situation because it’s familiar, and if that’s the case, I can move on as hard as it may be.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome to the forum!

I would like to offer some insight into dissociation, which sounds like something your partner does. For me, dissociation is a defence mechanism that kicks in when I start to experience emotional overload. When I dissociate, no one feels real anymore. My children, who I love more than anything, become like irritating insects buzzing around in my peripheral vision. They talk to me, I hear noise. They hug me, I feel crowded. I can't feel their love and I can't feel mine for them. And it feels like there's no way out, like I'm stuck in this void forever.

For my children on the other side of this dissociative wall, it's like their mom has turned into a stranger. Distant, impatient, avoidant. A whole different person. It scares them, but they understand that it's me, not them. That's something you need to work on.

I believe that knowledge is power. The more you understand, the better you will cope. Time to do some research.

Just wanted to add one more thing. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I want to be clear. If you're not able to accept that your boyfriend's issues are his and not yours, you're going to destroy yourself.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Just wanted to add one more thing. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I want to be clear. If you're not able to accept that your boyfriend's issues are his and not yours, you're going to destroy yourself.

i completely understand that they’re his and not mine. Trying to understand his ptsd challenges and work through them is the tough part.

 

[Cleo1521]

i completely understand that they’re his and not mine. Trying to understand his ptsd challenges and work...

I’m still very new to all of this and the first time mine shut down on me I had no idea what was really going on with him. It’s difficult to not find faults in yourself. :(

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Especially when it happens in a flash. You start to wonder what you said or did. He told me yesterday by text that he was extremely upset because of me speaking with someone about his mental illness and personal life. We know one person mutually right now and I spoke to her because she is his boss and wanted to know how to be more effective with him. I never divulged too much information. I’m assuming that she may be the culprit. Either way, I am blamed for him not wanting to speak to or see me right now.

 

[Cleo1521]

Especially when it happens in a flash. You start to wonder what you said or did. He told me yesterday by t...

I get the same thing. All of the blame. All of the fault. I can’t help but to believe it somedays. I’m still a human and I’m allowed to have feelings.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

You most definitely are allowed to have feelings, but you have to not take the blame because it’s not you at all. I had to learn that a while back.

I get the same thing. All of the blame. All of the fault. I can’t help but to believe it somedays. I’m still a human and I’m allowed to have feelings.

 

[Hojay]

I reach out because I’m holding on to what I think to be a solid friendship; maybe I’m fooling myself.

Okay, so to recap. He broke it off in September, but you kept speaking on friendly terms. Then as of Nov. he stopped corresponding. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but you're also saying that he may have gone back to his ex?

Of course it's hard to say what to do exactly not knowing what he is saying and doing to keep you hooked. It could be that he's throwing you a bone once in a while?

It sounds to me a little like your heart hasn't quite caught up with what your head has understood. He's broken this off for whatever misguided reason and you know he is mentally ill. This may be my own very biased opinion, but I think we can often fool ourselves into saying we're trying to maintain a friendship, when in reality, we're desperately trying to grasp for some sort of answer or resolution, or even for them to come back. There is no judgment in this. I think this, below, ties into it...

I believe that knowledge is power. The more you understand, the better you will cope. Time to do some research.

I agree that knowledge is power. When IN relationship with PTSD or when trying to understand why someone we love has left, I think it's crucial to understand the ins and outs of how this disorder manifests. But there's a huge pitfall to researching and understanding PTSD as well, especially when in relation with someone who is treating us sub par or has downright left: it helps us make excuses for unacceptable behavior and it keeps up hopes that they may change, even though there is NO sign that they are either willing or able to change. Knowledge is power, yes, but also a way to muddy the waters and keep us from seeing clearly. We can stroll around this forum and try and grasp how PTSD operates. Sometimes there are a-ha moments and it helps to understand it's not us. Sometimes we read something and we think f*ck, I did everything wrong. But at the end of the day, there's still a grown person on the other end, entirely responsible for his/her own behavior. Too much knowledge can be a distraction from that.

If he didn't have PTSD would you put up with someone who breaks up, strings you along, avoids you, ignores you, possibly returns to an ex, and blames you for things you haven't done without giving you an opportunity to speak? It's easy to make it our fault when the other end takes no responsibility. We have to question our willingness and sometimes eagerness to absorb blame like a sponge.