Relationship Why am i being punished when i'm the one whose feelings are hurt?

[Litha]

I'm traveling overseas for work for a few weeks and my SO planned a weeklong trip to her friend's the week I get back, which also happens to be her birthday week, so I was feeling hurt, you know, like, don't you want to spend time with me after I'm gone for a while? You don't want to spend your birthday with me?

I didn't get mad. Didn't raise my voice or blame her. Just said my feelings were hurt. I thought we did a good job of talking it out-- she explained the practicalities of why that week was the best week for her to travel. I explained that I was just hurt because it's her birthday and I come from a family for whom birthdays/holidays/anniversaries are important. But that I understood the practicalities and certainly didn't want to keep her from seeing her friend.

I brought it up in couples therapy, just to process it again with the therapist, in a safe environment, and my SO got frustrated that my feelings were hurt and now hasn't made contact with me for a couple days (we don't live together). She does this a lot-- if I get frustrated or upset, she says I have "big emotional reactions" and goes silent. She doesn't like it when I talk emphatically with my hands-- it scares her I guess (her background: childhood abuse).

But I wasn't even angry this time. Just hurt. And that's all I said, that my feelings were hurt.

Damnit-- I see so many volatile relationships with people freaking out over the littlest things and fighting with raised voices, and I am so calm and gentle in comparison.

I don't understand why I'm being punished for having hurt feelings.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Maybe she is hurt?

Idk, the title sparked the opposite possibility automatically.

The rest is guesswork.

 

[Friday]

I don't understand why I'm being punished for having hurt feelings.

To me it sounds like the opposite, that you’re punishing your partner for your hurt feelings.

I thought we did a good job of talking it out.

Clearly not... since you brought it up in therapy from the exact same position you started in, ie your feelings are hurt she’s traveling that week... despite your already having said that you understand the practicalities & want her to see her friend.

Were you lying (you don’t understand and/or don’t want her to see her friend) or being passive aggressive (said yes, but meant no > wanted her to choose to cancel her plans because you were hurt, without having to ask her to)?

 

[EveHarrington]

I kind of see it as it’s her birthday, she can spend it as she so desires......if you’re hurt, then that’s your issue to work through on your own. Repeatedly putting it on her in effect ruins her birthday and makes her deal with your feelings. Again, it’s HER birthday, so why are you making her feel guilty for her spending it as she so desires?

I’d be upset if someone did this to me. It’s my birthday, let me spend it as I so desire! If I hurt you in the process, not my problem. I shouldn’t have to do what YOU want on MY birthday.

 

[Litha]

Our therapist always asks us to start with what's been going on with us that week. That's why I brought it up in therapy.

I'm fine with her going to see her friend now that I understand that birthdays aren't a big deal for her and that's the best week for her time off.

But before my rational mind registered all that, my limbic mind felt hurt. I know a lot of people who would feel hurt if their SO planned a birthday week away and didn't include them. But it's a hurt that dissolved easily for me with further understanding of the practicalities/work timing.

But it's like I was never supposed to feel hurt in the first place. Why be mad at me for feeling hurt?

 

[C mom]

wow. I can definitely see both sides of this. Just because it was talked out doesn't mean your feelings aren't still hurt. Then again, like Eve said, it's HER birthday... I don't know how to fix it, but as a supporter, I just know that I would be hurt too.

 

[Ronin]

Can you talk out how you communicated about the birthday, in the first place?

Sounds to me ya'two might take a few steps back and look at how you talk about events and invites and spent time, because now it's just getting into who's more hurt than who and who started a thing, where you didn't communicate the original event clearly to begin with, and might use some clarifying what means what in whose land.

 

[Hojay]

This all sounds a little familiar to me. SO does something to hurt my feelings. I calmly tell him said thing hurt my feelings. SO blows up over my hurt feelings and proceeds to talk to me about how hurt HIS feelings are that my feelings are hurt. And then we talk about his hurt feelings (or not...he'll go into isolation or will need to "calm down") for anything from a day to two months. What my feelings were hurt about? Oh, who even cares about that at this point right? So yeah, I hear you. I have yet to find a way out of that one. And not being able to express your feelings or talk about them for as long as you need to before it all gets turned around on you really starts chipping away at your sense of reality and well-being.

 

[Hojay]

Oh, and I want to add that it doesn't matter one bit if your hurt feelings were rational, justified, or not. We are all entitled to our emotions and deserve to be listened to and respected regardless of whether the other finds them justified or not. That ^ dynamic is not ok.

 

[Friday]

@Hojay... are we reading different posts?

Partner A made plans to be out of town over their birthday
Partner B was hurt by this, so started a discussion with A.
A + B discussed why A was hurt & why B made plans, and it was agreed that the logistics of traveling that week made sense, so the travel plans stood.

That doesn’t sound like B blowing up and making it all about their feelings, and ignoring As. That sounds like 2 rational adults, who each care about the other person, having a meeting of minds & coming to an agreement. Like a really healthy/good convo & talk. Where each was listened to and respected.

It was only later, at therapy, where it came out the original discussion wasn’t straightforward. The OP / B hasn’t answered so I can’t really speak to whether it was a misunderstanding via conversational style (passive aggressive, saying yes but meaning no), or whether they lied (people lie for countless reasons; to make someone happy / people pleasing, fear of confrontation, to buy time, to manipulate, etc.), or some other reason. Nor what A was upset about in therapy when they found out their previous convo wasn’t above board, & their partner didn’t agree with what was agreed upon. But at no point are B’s feelings not discussed, nor superseded by A’s feelings.

A did something that hurt Bs feelings. They talked about it and came to an agreement.

B later did something that hurt A. They haven’t talked about it, yet

The OP is B. They’re the one whose feelings were talked about.

Personally, I’d be pissed if my partner made plans to be out of town on their birthday. And I’d be pissed to find out I can’t trust my partner means what they say. So it makes sense to me that both people upset.

 

[Hojay]

@Friday How I understood it OP and partner discussed the matter and OP, being reasonable and not controlling, told their partner that they understood the practicalities and didn’t want to keep them from being with friends. That doesn’t mean that OP wouldn’t still be hurt by their partner’s choice and wanted to continue discussing it. If that’s not possible and their partner can’t see that their actions have an effect, take responsibility (without conceding, she should still go for her birthday if she wishes!), and respect OP’s need to voice their feelings, then there’s a problem. There is nothing passive aggressive, sneaky, or bait and switch about letting your partner do as they wish but express your misgivings about their choices. What’s the alternative? Forbid her from going so your feelings aren’t hurt? No, letting her go, telling her it hurts, and hoping you won’t be tarred and feathered for feeling that way.

 

[anon1234]

Her background - child abuse. Not everyone likes birthdays, particularly those who have had a difficult childhood.

I come from a family for whom birthdays/holidays/anniversaries are important

Not all do, unfortunately.