Supporter Girlfriend to veteran boyfriend with ptsd and about to deploy in desperate need of guidance

[Please help!!]

I have been dating the same man for almost a year now. For several months we were together in a long distance relationship and would see each other mostly on weekends and Keep in close touch during the week through text and calls. I recently moved home to the state he lives in and the state I’m from, wanting to be closer to him. For months in the beginning of our relationship everything was flawless. He loved me like no other ever had, always extremely kindhearted loving and thoughtful. He would shower me in affection, gifts, make me breakfast and do anything he could to make me feel good.

As we near closer to his upcoming deployment (now two months away) he started having and has since been having PTSD episodes more frequently. When he does he oftentimes is angry to the point of no reasoning/no return. He will make demands of me that are impossible to meet. He will tell me to leave and then when I do, beg me not to. I’ve been home now for about a week. In this week I have experienced 3 PTSD episodes with him. Last night was the worst I have ever seen. The episode was triggered by me second guessing and feeling anxious about something he told me.

Since his PTSD episodes have started (or rather since I’ve started witnessing them) he has shut me out and pushed me away numerous times. If I’m not present he shuts down and will stop responding to texts and calls etc. Him shutting me out makes me feel anxious and unwanted which triggers greater anxiety in me thinking maybe he just doesn’t love me or wants to be single or see other women.

Last night was by far the worst episode I have seen. Again, after questioning something he told me he snapped when we got home. He went into a fit of rage and told me I had better pick up all my things (overnight bag and clothes which he tossed into living room) and get in bed with him now or pack all my things immediately and leave. Told me I had four minutes to do so. I was of course in the dark making it impossible to meet his demands which sent him into a bigger fit of rage. It wasn’t until I began sobbing uncontrollably on the floor that he finally snapped out of his episode and began apologizing profusely and telling me he didn’t want to hurt me. He then opened up to me and told me about his past including deployments and time spent in Iraq. He told me that since his Iraq deployment he has been dealing with PTSD and it has basically ruined every romantic relationship he has been in since. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants us to be engaged and married, wants us to have babies someday. Told me he has never felt this much love for anyone he has been with and is terrified of losing me. He said he thinks his PTSD and anger will drive me to leaving him. We agreed last night that we would use a code word when he starts feeling on edge and like he’s going to explode and he would remove himself from the situation and trigger to be alone in his bedroom so that he won’t be mean and angry towards me.

He agreed to try seeking counseling again with me (he has already tried three different counselors in the past) which was an enormous breakthrough as he has been refusing to try counseling saying it won’t help. This morning when we woke up he decided to break up with me. Said I deserve better and that he loves me too much to keep putting me through this. He told me it breaks his heart every time he hurts me. I tried reasoning with him and asked him what happened to agreeing to do anything to make this work? What happened to removing himself from the situation when he felt triggered or us seeking counseling if that wouldn’t work. He said he will not see a counselor that it will not work and although he loves me more than anything and it crushes him to do so that he thought it best we go our separate ways, that I deserved better and that I shouldn’t have to deal with him doing this again and again to me. I went in the other room and gave him space for awhile hoping that he would come around. Hours later when I emerged and tried talking to him he was still edgy and said he didn’t understand why I was still there that we were done and that me being there was keeping him on the edge of being triggered. I asked him if this was because he loves me so much and he said yes.

Long story longer he refused to work on things insisted we end it and helped me pack all my things to leave. I tried texting him hours after leaving, telling him I refuse to give up on us and that I love him and would talk to him in a few days once he has calmed down. Told him I wanted us to work on a plan to make this work with us and that I refused to give up our future or let him give up on our future because of his PTSD but my texts went unanswered. I feel like every time I start to get really close to him he freaks out is triggered and pushes me away. He told me today before leaving his house that he isolates himself and stays alone all the time so he can’t hurt anyone. I’m beyond devastated and hurt. He has told me recently he planned on proposing prior to leaving on his deployment. I don’t want our last two months before his deployment spent apart. I feel like I don’t know how to reach him. I feel like I don’t know how to bring him out of his isolation or get him to speak to me. He says my anxiety and questioning him at times triggers him.

How do I stop triggering him? How do I get him to stop shutting me out? How do I convince him to try counseling again? This is tearing me apart. It hurts to see him like this and it hurts me to be without the man I love. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Stephernovas]

Okay first, stop personalizing his 'triggers'. The decision to attend therapy will never be yours regardless of how much convincing you do. Long story short, this isn't about you. I am unsure of exactly what happened to him, so I cannot 100% speak to his triggers or trauma, but at the end of the day just because you have PTSD it does not mean you can treat other people terribly. I'm sorry you feel hurt, but the only thing I would suggest you mention to him (if given the chance), is that attending counselling would help him learn to handle his triggers better so he doesn't hurt your or those he loves.

 

[Friday]

How do I stop triggering him? How do I get him to stop shutting me out? How do I convince him to try counseling again? This is tearing me apart. It hurts to see him like this and it hurts me to be without the man I love. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

You don’t. He’s deploying in 2 months. He needs to get his head in the game. Fixing a broken relationship is the opposite of that.

 

[Please help!!]

This deployment will be different as he is heading to a safer country. While in Iraq he was an interrogator and tells me that he dealt with prisoners of war constantly and doing anything and everything to make them talk. He talked about sound and sight deprivation and different things these prisoners were subjected to. He himself has told me that this upcoming deployment will be a breeze in comparison to others yet he keeps being triggered more and more the closer he gets to deployment. You say that his mission at hand is the only thing he should focus on and not fixing a “broken relationship” but our relationship is extremely loving when PTSD isn’t coming into play. 99% of the time we get along seamlessly and enjoy every second of each other’s company. He says that his strong feelings for me makes him feel on edge because he’s always afraid of hurting me or exploding. Says that despite seeing more than one counselor he still doesn’t understand why he flips into a fit of rage. He has told me that he has these PTSD episodes and flips out on anyone he is close to if he spends too much time with them. This was news to me as of today. All past relationships he has been triggered in, including friendships. I don’t want to take it personally when I trigger him but it’s hard not to when he’s telling me that I’m triggering him. Even a simple question seems to trigger him now. When he gets triggered he often talks about the military and how if you ask questions or don’t follow the rules it can get you killed. I’m trying to understand his situation better. I’m trying to find ways that I can maybe not trigger him or ways that when he is triggered I will know ahead and can give him space. I guess I just want guidance because I am not in the military and don’t understand fully what they go through for training etc. all I have is the knowledge I’ve pulled from numerous articles. Is there anything I can do to get him to stop pulling away and isolating himself? He tells me all the time I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he never wants to lose me but as soon as we get really close he gets triggered and pulls away again. I’m lost.

 

[Justmehere]

You can not fix this for him, and it would be to his detriment to try to do so.

You can take steps to take care of you, that’s a really important thing you can contribute.

Now is the time for you to engage in robust self care, maintaining connections with others (like spending time with friends when he shuts down), and learning you can manage your anxiety and distress.

Also check out the Supporters section - it’s a great place to connect with other supporters.

 

[Please help!!]

You can not fix this for him, and it would be to his detriment to try to do so.

You can take steps...

Thank you for your kindness. I will do do.

You don’t. He’s deploying in 2 months. He needs to get his head in the game. Fixing a broken relatio...

I take it you’re in the military? Our relationship has been extremely loving and flawless except for his PTSD. He tells me I’m the love of his life, that he’s never felt so close or been so in love with someone and that he is terrified I’ll leave him because of his PTSD. Says that all of his past girlfriends eventually left because of his PTSD. 99% of the time we get along seamlessly. We laugh constantly, do healthy things together like go to the gym, hike walk, read, attend events, cook together or spend time out with friends etc. He told me last night that he loves me so much that he’s always feels “on the edge” and terrified of hurting me. I don’t appreciate you calling it a broken relationship. The only thing contributing to trying to break it is this upcoming deployment and his PTSD. I’m not looking for negativity. I’m seeking to understand so that I can be more supportive of him. If you have knowledge of the military world such as training etc that you think would be helpful for me to be aware of then I will appreciate your input but if you’re just going to be negative I’d prefer you don’t comment. Thank you

 

[Justmehere]

Just a heads up, if you use paragraphs, it will be easier to read and respond to your posts.

 

[Stephernovas]

You say that his mission at hand is the only thing he should focus on and not fixing a “broken relationship” but our relationship is extremely loving when PTSD isn’t coming into play.

PTSD is always at play.

Even a simple question seems to trigger him now.

Well, his trauma is from the military and he is now being deployed again. Original trauma + pressure (with seemingly no escape) = increased anxiety and PTSD episodes.

Again, we don't personally know the guy and his situation but at the end of the day it's going to take way longer than 2 months to get this figured out. He already knows what happened to him the first time he went, perhaps this is him protecting himself for the second? As well, I'm curious as to how/when he got diagnosed and secondly, if he's got PTSD, why is he being send out again? I may be out of the loop on this, but that sounds silly to me. I would assume if he's having such outbursts he would be deemed unfit for duty.

 

[Freida]

A deployment is a deployment is a deployment. Sure - it is SUPPOSED to be different this time around, but we are still at war! and , if he hasn't dealt with his last deployment and gotten his brain cleaned out there is no more room for the crap he's about to face. If he doesn't do like @Friday said and get his head in the game he could end up dead. Understand that. That is more than his breaking your heart. He needs to start focusing about going back to the nightmare and trying to stay alive. And he only has two months to stuff it down and get ready to go back to war.

Even wihtout ptsd this would be a challenge. With ptsd...

@Stephernovas yep - if he hasn't gone for help and gotten a diagnosis he's going to get deployed again and again.

And yes - I was military.

 

[Please help!!]

PTSD is always at play.



Well, his trauma is from the military and he is now being deployed agai...

Unfortunately while he has seen counselors he says they were unable to help him. This will be his third deployment. His first deployment was the worst from what I’m told. I gather as much info as I can to try and understand where he’s coming from without pushing. This whole Combat Vet PTSD thing is very new to me. From what I understand he keeps his PTSD outbursts under wraps for the most part. He told me this morning (prior to ending the relationship) that he isolates himself as often as possible to minimize the amount of people he flips a switch on.

A deployment is a deployment is a deployment. Sure - it is SUPPOSED to be different this time around, bu...

I had a feeling that his upcoming deployment is what is triggering his PTSD more frequently. He claims this is not the case but it only seems to make sense. This upcoming deployment will be his third. The first of which he says was his worst (Iraq). He tells me he has seen different counselors but none have helped. I don’t know that he was given a diagnosis by counselors but he seems very aware of the fact that he has PTSD. I try to gather as much information as I can to understand what he’s going through without asking too many questions. I know those in the military have a hard time discussing deployments and oftentimes don’t want to. I try and never bring up his deployments. I try and simply listen, when he’s willing to discuss. From what he told me last night he has had PTSD since Iraq and this has affected all of his relationships since. I know his feelings for me are strong and I question if this is part of what others talk about (over flow of the cup). He says he loves me so much he’s constantly on edge in fear that he will somehow get triggered and will hurt me. I think what makes this harder than anything is not having the understanding of what military training is like and how it affects his when he is in a PTSD triggered state. What I mean by this is that when he is triggered and irrationally angry he often talks about how questioning or second guessing “can get you killed in the military.” And tells me he doesn’t like when I ask him questions or repeat the same thing twice. I want to be there for him because I love him and I know he loves me but I don’t know how best to be there for him right now. He tells me he’s terrified I’ll leave him yet leaves me this morning in fear of hurting me. It’s very confusing. Sometimes I wonder if he needs to know I’m here for him when he’s going through this or if it’s better to just give him space and let him disappear. Add into that mix his fear that I’ll leave him while he’s deployed and well.... it’s just hard. And heartbreaking really because we both have so much love for each other. Thanks for listening. I appreciate all input and especially value input from those with a military background.

 

[Friday]

I take it you’re in the military?

I was, yes.

I’m also a chick, which means I will be a helluva lot more blunt than most men will be. . Women are a helluva lot stronger than most men give them credit for. Even when it’s bad news, or harsh truths, most of us will take that over a pretty lie, any day of the damn week. So I know you’re either strong enough to hear it, or should get the f*ck out, yesterday

It’s the relationships that matter the most that will see you home, or kill not only you but everyone around you.

If you love this man? Don’t f*ck with his head until after he’s been home a few months. Be his north f*cking star, constant and unwavering and uncomplicated, or step back. No shame in that. Stepping back is still an honorable option. Because it means you care enough for him to do it.

If you can’t put everything important on hold -sometimes on a dime- for a few months (read up to about 1-2 years, ramping up deployment coming home) don’t date military. Well, f*ck ‘em, if you like, sure. Pretty bodies, great hearts, no better friend at your back. But don’t play house, much less make a home and build a life. Civilian life and military life? Are 2 wildly different things. They don’t mix. Military families are a vastly different breed. If you’re looking at being military family? You’re playing out of an entirely different rule book.

For one thing? Communication is no longer key. Important, absolutely. But it’s not baseline. Timing? Is.

Your timing right now? Is dead wrong.

It -ideally- takes a few months to ramp up & a few months to come down to/from deployment. Sometimes you don’t get that luxury, and you’re called up with no warning. But when you’ve got the time to prep? You’d better as hell use it. Part of thay? Is kicking problem relationships to the curb. Which isn’t easy. And almost no one does it their first time out. Until they see people die over this shit. Not being negative, here. Just kicking information. This is a hard job, and people die when your head isn’t in the game. You can’t afford distractions. Either you can completely count on the people back home, or you cut them off.

I could never be a military spouse. I can leave just fine, but what my mom & millions of military spouses do? Staying behind? Dropping all their very real and serious concerns for months & years at a go, because that’s how they help keep their loved ones whole? Couldn’t do it. Don’t wanna do it. I’m too right here right now for that. It’s not for everybody. It takes a very special breed of women/men. I ain’t that breed. Point me towards trouble, I’m there. Hang back and wait while others do? Worrying? Nope. Back in the day where to go for advice on that was the wives club. They probably have a different name for that now, hell, there’s probably online communities. But anyone who has spent 2 seconds in &/or around the military will tell you, nothing serious or life altering immediately before/after, and if you want to break up NEVER during.

If a relationship ain’t as steady & constant as the North Star? You end it before you leave. That’s how you keep yourself & everyone around you safe from extremely predictable consequences. Break it off, f*ck around for a little while & clear you head, get to business. If it’s meant to be you fix shit when you return. Shrug. Most ain’t meant to be. The ones that are, though? Like I said, special breed. Seriously tough mothers, military spouses.

Only you know if you’re up to be one.

But as a girlfriend, everyone who meets you will be sizing you up, seeing if you’re the one who is going to get their boys killed. If you are going to f*ck around with his head before deployment, or worse during, and get people killed. You are a threat to the ones they love the most, until you prove yourself otherwise. Loving him isn’t enough. The more you love him, or he loves you? The more dangerous it is.

So either step up, or step off.

Both are the right decision.

 

[Freida]

^^^^^^^^ I couldn't have put it better @Friday!

I'll add this...

Add into that mix his fear that I’ll leave him while he’s deployed and well.... it’s just hard.

It's a true fear. Chances are high you will leave him. If you can't cope now with the pre-deployment stress you will never survive the deployment itself. I'm also not trying to be negative but let's talk about military relationships during a deployment without ptsd.

You won't be able to count on when you will hear from him. Ever. Might be every day, might be once a month. If you are really lucky you will get to skype. or maybe email. or maybe old fashioned letters. So ask yourself - what will you be thinking during those months? That hes knee deep in the sandpit? or that he's banging some chick he found while he was there? How will you know? What happens the first time he promises to call you at 8 pm on Saturday and you don't hear from him until 11 am Thursday? Are you jealous of the slut hes banging? or do you get that the phones didn't work and this was the first time to get a line out

He will tell you "this is the day I'm coming home" You will be all excited and plan. And then the date will change. And change again. And maybe a third time. Or he won't get to come home at all because he gets deployed again. You will be all pissed off at him because you don't realize he is a commodity that belongs to the US Military. He goes where and when they tell him. You're having a birthday? A crisis? A baby? Not the military's problem. And he can't change that.

When you do talk with him he may be distant, not want to talk, not say the things you want to hear. Because he doesn't love you? Or because he saw a friend get blown up the day before and can't talk about it yet. Or because he is in a room full of people and there is no privacy. Or because he is in survival mode and he doesn't know how he feels about things left behind

You will be jealous of his squad. All wives are. Those are the people, both men and women, who will mean more to him than any other human on the planet. Including you, his parents, his kids. He relies on them to keep him alive and he returns the favor. Wives and girlfriends don't even figure into that equation. And god help you if you try to make him choose - because you will lose every time.

He may be killing people while you are home watching the latest drama on tv. Yep. that's how it works in war.

Now lets add in the fun filled world of ptsd and its untrusting hyper vigilance sometimes violent reactions.

Are you really ready for that? Like @Friday said....stay or leave -- both are good decisions. S

So a suggestion? Discuss putting the relationship on the back burner until he comes home. Both of you go on with your lives. When he comes back you can re-evaluate. Because he will be different when he comes back. You can't not be.
If you must stay in touch do it as his friend -- but no strings attached. Don't put him in the position of getting killed because he is worrying about relationship drama thousands of miles away. Be someone he can count on for support without exceptions of what might happen next.