Relationship I have made my sufferer worse - sexting another man

[Sunshine71]

Dear like minded friends

I am back on the forum and thought I would post an update following my message a year ago.

So the past year has been a nightmare and I can't see that it will change .... because I got some attention from someone with some text messages and that led to "sexting" something I never thought I would do... I am gutted and so sorry for hurting my hubbie.... something I would NEVER want to do.....

With really no affection for years and feeling quite ugly getting this attention was a distraction from PTSD, paying the bills, worrying about my work - not to mention dealing with my sons Type 1 diabetes.... :( :(

Hubby quite rightly says that he doesn't choose what happens with him re PTSD - when he is so cold and angry - but I chose to message this guy.This has destroyed him and he keeps telling me made his PTSD much worse when he felt things were getting a bit better.

Hubby spent 6 months staying round a friends house... he slept better but of course it isn't his home. His friend has been amazing.

He is "trying" to come back but sleeps on my sons mattress on the floor - he is not able to sleep in the bed with me.... over a year later.

I am just beside myself and trying to get on... but I cant today... I am just gutted and tired from a big argument where he is saying its my fault we are like this.

I hoped that this would be a wake up call and we could work on a marriage but instead a year later he is devastated, angry and can not forget it happened. I have never even kissed another man, been out with another man or anything in nearly 30 years since meeting my hubbie - and even then really only had 1 boyfriend ... but yes I messed up and I couldn't be more sorry - I have tried to focus on rebuilding us - but he has different ideas....
Its so hard.

Not sure if anyone has any advice or experienced anything similar .... I am just exhausted and of course my hubby is too :(

With thanks Sunshine

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Dear like minded friends

I am back on the forum and thought I would post an update following my mess...

I’m sorry you’ve made a bad decision on life with your husband. I’ve learned that once trust is broken with a ptsd partner, it’s almost impossible to get back. My ex decided to move on due to him believing that I betrayed him in a malicious manner. I alerted someone to not be aggressive with him due to his illness (which was not correct to do). You and I would think that this would be a challenge easily worked through, however, it’s viewed in a very mean and malicious way. As you can see, I’m still learning. He has ghosted since November and we only text for business purposes. I’m not 100% convinced that he didn’t leave to pursue someone else, but due to him saying he forgave me, and needed more time is why I choose to wait it out.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks for taking the time to reply BJ - my hubbie has said that same... he needs time.... a year later and I am still waiting.... we both don't know how long for.... and for us it could be out of habit I feel more than anything else. xxx

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thanks for taking the time to reply BJ - my hubbie has said that same... he needs time.... a year lat...

I understand, but when does the waiting stop? I know that they’re having a hard time accepting what has happened, but I feel if a person loves you and accepts you as you do them, then they’re willing to work at mending things. Who knows, we could be fooling ourselves with hope at this point. I thought a few months was long, but a year is an awful long time to be on stand-by.

 

[Sunshine71]

I know... but I have messed up.... and we have been together 28 years.... I have stood by his side through this nightmare but really none of this is taken into consideration for getting past my mistake.... :( Just try to get on but I am just wiped out :( xx

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I know... but I have messed up.... and we have been together 28 years.... I have stood by his side th...

Have you suggested couples therapy? Maybe he would be willing. IMHO I feel that you two have such an amazing history and that’s a lot to walk away from, but if he’s not willing, then maybe you have no other choice.

 

[Justmehere]

@Sunshine71 - I have had a few a supporters do things that were legit wrong and I lost my trust for them. I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say they made my PTSD worse. They are responsible for their actions and I’m responsible for mine. I have no choice over PTSD but I sure do have a choice what I do with it.

In two cases, I did rebuild trust with the supporter. Together. It took both of us. It was really hard. It’s not impossible in some cases, if both sides are willing to work on it.

In this situation, it will take both of you to rebuild trust and connection on both ends... and if he’s not willing, then it can’t be done.

I don’t condone what you did but I can understand it. Dealing with a sick kiddo and a husband with a mental health condition - that’s a lot in and of itself.

I’d suggest counseling, couples counseling if he’s willing to go, and if not, then go to get support for you to build you up and support you for whatever comes ahead. It’s not because there is something wrong with you, but because I think the sexting and exhaustion are signs that you are understandably burnt out dealing with a very challenging situation.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[Sunshine71]

Have you suggested couples therapy? Maybe he would be willing. IMHO I feel that you two have such an amazi...

Thanks - he said no... then yes... then it didn't happen.... he says he is therapied out.... not to mention the cost.... I hope we can do something :(

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thanks - he said no... then yes... then it didn't happen.... he says he is therapied out.... not to...

I know it’s hard. I wish you the very best. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Sunshine71]

@Sunshine71 - I have had a few a supporters do things that were legit wrong and I...

Thanks so much JustMeHere - this has given me some hope.... thank you x

 

[Never_falter2]

It sounds a bit like Mr. D‘Arcy from Jane Austen‘s „Pride and Prejudice“: „Once my good opinion is lost, it is lost forever“. I never really got it but then I am not English.
I have never really been there. My hubby used to sleep on the floor (his choice) but for other reasons.

Might I ask a question nevertheless: What kind of man is your husband? Is he the mega honorable kind of guy who would never do anything wrong himself ever?
Or is he the kind of guy who made a lot of mistakes himself but does not see them but only yours?

 

[Never_falter2]

... but you know, I get you. Sometimes I wanna remember that I am young and no, I have never sexted another guy... but... I have fantasized about being with a guy... not actually about having sex with him but about going out with him... weird, eh?actually one of hubbies friends cause he is such a happy guy and that would be so cool being with a guy who is always happy, dancing, going out. I miss this a lot.
Sometimes when we had people over I want to beg them not to go because then i‘ll be alone with my sad hubby again (and our kids of course, but missing a cheerful grownup). Yeah, I get this....
Itis not against hubby, really not. I just miss cheerfulness and carelessness in my life. Is it like this with you too?