Relationship Boyfriend has ptsd

[Anom]

Hi everyone,
I’m new here so please excuse if I’m not posting in the right place.
I’m in a relationship with a man with PTSD. At the beginning of the relationship he was amazing, I fell for him hard and fast, he would do everything for me, he was so affectionate, we built a bond I’ve never had before. But as time went on things slowly starting changing, a few months into our relationship he was messaging another girl sexually, I was absolutely heart broken.
He doesn’t like anything I do, down to the tone in my voice, he says I’m monotone and it makes him so angry, saying I don’t have any passion for our relationship? And then it ends in a huge argument where I get called horrible names and he will say he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
We aren’t friends on social media and he looked through mine through his mums, he wasn’t happy that there was a picture of me posted with another guy (who is gay) by a pool back in November (I’m an air hostess so I travel with my job), the night this was posted I had an anxiety attack and called my boyfriend because I was panicking. He called me when he saw it and I’ve never heard him scream so much, asking who he is, do I still speak to him, why didn’t I go to him with my anxiety attack etc, and then he turns round and says he hates me, he doesn’t like me as a person, I never change.
Our arguments have got so bad he says he wants to kill me, he says things like ‘if I had a shot gun right now I would blow your face off’, he’s said he wishes my planes crashes right before I’m due to go to work, then he will block me on every form of contact I have with him and we don’t speak for days, I’ll end up begging for him back and it’s a constant circle. It’s so upsetting.
He doesn’t take any medication or see a therapist for PTSD, he says he doesn’t need to.
I’m lost at what to do, the countless times we have split up and got back together is horrible, the names I get called breaks me down to nothing, he’s slept with other people during the times we have been apart. What do I do now? Any advice would be so welcomed.
Xx

 

[EveHarrington]

IF He has ptsd, you have found an asshole.....who happens to have ptsd.

You are being abused.

What you need to do right now is block all contact with him and get away from him.

It is not acceptable that he has threatened your life.

It’s quite possible that he doesn’t need any medication or therapy for his ptsd, as what you describe isn’t ptsd. What you describe is an abusive asshole.

R-U-N.

 

[Hojay]

Unfortunately, I have to second @EveHarrington. Even though you mention little about his PTSD (its diagnosis by a professional etc.) what you describe has nothing to do with it. And PTSD being the “cause” for this abuse doesn’t count. Just because you know more about the origin of his behavior than other abuse victims, doesn’t make it less abusive. This is hard to hear, I know, especially when you’re so deeply entrenched in the confusion that is an abusive relationship. There are great resources online to learn more about what abuse is, why we participate, and how to get out. You’re not alone in this, millions of smart, successful, bright women (and men) have suddenly found themselves in situations like these and had to learn how to extract themselves. There’s a way out. Hugs to you.

 

[Supervixn]

Don't excuse his behavior. He's being abusive toward you. Don't get involved in feeling sorry for him. People with PTSD don't just act like this guy. I say drop him and go before the screaming on the phone escalates to something else. He sounds like a real jerk and its your responsibility to know your worth enough not to take it. This could end badly for you if you dont. I dont know you but i can already tell you: you deserve better.

 

[Anom]

Unfortunately, I have to second @EveHarrington. Even though you mention little about h...

Thank you for your reply, I don't actually know too much about his PTSD, all he has said is that he has it. He doesn't talk about it really unless we have an argument and he says he gets so angry because he can't control it because of PTSD. I've never seen him go to the doctors, counselling etc

 

[Sweetpea76]

f*ck that. He's using PTSD to excuse abusive and horrible treatment. He's figured out that it is his get out of jail free card. This is more about his personality and how he reacts to stress than PTSD.

On top of all the abuse, PTSD does not cause cheating, so every time he messes with other women he's making a decision to cheat on you. He's not possessed. He knows right from wrong.

 

[Anom]

He's saying the way I act and the way I speak to him isn't acceptable and that he doesn't want to be with me. I just have to leave him to it now, there is nothing more I can do for him. He can only help himself and I really hope he does for his own sake

 

[Snowflakes]

@Flower<3 Let me ask you this. Forget the PTSD. Unless you have seen his medical file or actually gone to his therapy with him; you’re really just taking his work for it that he has PTSD. Just suppose for a moment that he may not have PTSD, would you accept being treated this way? If not, then go one step further and believe what we tell you here. PTSD does not cause someone to treat you this way. He is using an illness as an excuse to abuse you.

I see you just posted a reply that says you see this. I’ll still post my reply to your original post.

I wish you well; take care of you.

 

[Ineedtoheal]

Hi everyone,
I’m new here so please excuse if I’m not posting in the right place.
I’m in a rela...

Your trauma triggers me greatly. We were often threatened, screamed at, manic rages, mine too started very charming - promising the world - how he was going to be so different to his own father, only then reeling in shock & fear at the threats to throw our babies against the wall - psychological abuse gets right inside you, it eats away at the core of who you are - physical abuse - of which I’ve experienced too, can’t do that, coz everything comes up & out to the surface - ie: bruising, but emotional abuse sinks a deeper wound. We spend so much time analyzing where we are going wrong, making excuses, moving into a state of avoidance & denial - shit, even feeling sorry for them & believing them that they ‘had a hard life’ - but you know - i was abused as a child, molested, sexually assaulted & physically abused as a teen, yet I didn’t assault, abuse, threaten, my last perpetrator. We choose our behaviours, we learn restraint & Control; your boyfriend knows & can see that you allow & excuse unhealthy behaviour. You’ve become a sick game to him. This relationship is about behaviour that is very harmful to you, violence that will cause many a disorder if you don’t make Change & or leave now. I went back, I forgave, I allowed myself to be manipulated & convinced that it was me - ‘his cancer, the cause. It ruined my self esteem, caused horrendous trust issues, i was isolated & became withdrawn. When we finally left the last time (for good) it took 3 years to then be left alone - the control had been so intense; I made a promise on oath to the judge that I would afford him the same right we were simply asking for ourselves - to be left alone, but due to further stalking in person, constant emails, text messages, an abusive letter to my parents, further threats, insults, put downs, financial strangulation - I knew I had to stand up & speak out against the harrassment - for there really does come a time when you can see that their narcissistic traits are not about to leave you alone, they search & they destroy! It felt for so long that no one could see or really understand what he was doing to us - the stress & trauma really is & does feel like a genocide of the Mind! You are in a state that bounces from some sense of normality to reeling in shock, to frozen in terror & to complete exhaustion & despair. THIS IS TRAUMA/INJURY being done to your brain!!!!! Overtime speaking out helped but it then seems that a circle was formed around me - other vampires came to take a piece of me for which I was ill equipped & so unprepared - my call out was for help, not to be ‘branded’ & turned into a monetisation scheme - It was here over time where I began to realise I had lost my way, I realized I had broken my oath - in a case that really cost me my right to a sense of a life - to ‘leave him alone’ - as with any war, one party has to learn if we can begin to effect Change. Right now, only you are in a position to change - Not him - do you understand - don’t do what you’ve always done - forgive, go back, feel sympathy - abuse is abuse - it doesn’t get better it only escalates over time - draw the line now - it won’t be easy - but know to unplug & disengage you will be helping him & more to the point yourself & the children in the long term. It is also your lack of boundaries that enables his bad - ouch, I know & im sorry for that is gonna hurt but bandaid solutions don’t work!, it sounds harsh, & it’s taken further bullying, ptsd & a lot of therapy to accept & understand that - yet sadly there is a profound truth - he abuses you because he knows he can, you allow it because you don’t make a stand!
When we are in the middle of the abuse, being intimidated, scared, confused, we lose the ability to assert ourselves, to take any ownership or accountability - yet the abuse is a complete control of power & dominance by one party - as the more compliant one you are actually in a better position to assume control - just find your courage, the willpower, search the drive & determination to make for better & then take one day at a time, knowing you didn’t really become another statistic because you actually had the good sense to position yourself into a state of healthy control, to call him out, to say no more & to make a definitive stand.
If you had/have any love for him & genuinely care - & victims do struggle with misplaced loyalty & co-dependence - then take the iniative to call a DV Centre, Counsellor, relationship coach - any doubt you have will be quickly replaced with the validation & confirmation of what you’ve known for a long time - that both of you are in need of help.
My hope is that I don’t here from you again & that you are another success story that found your way out. Sending love & Light.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I have a question which may sound somewhat dumb, so please answer with this in mind. Can a sufferer who is symptomatic start to behave in a not so nice manner as they once behaved nicely? If so, would they still fall into the category of,”jerk”? Since it’s such a fine line, im just wondering. Also, I’m aware that everyone’s situation is case-by-case and you can only be sure in your own personal relationship with your so.

 

[Hojay]

I don't think it's a dumb question at all @B.J. It's fundamental really. I think of it a bit like being in the state of hypnosis. You can hypnotize people to do all sorts of silly and strange things, but you will never be able to make them do something they wouldn't otherwise do. For example, you can't hypnotize someone to commit murder or other violence, if they aren't already the type to do so.

It's a bit similar with PTSD. If they don't already have jerkish traits, they won't turn jerkish with PTSD. If they do, PTSD has a way of bringing it to the surface. So I have to look at my SO's "not so nice moments" as a combo of PTSD and his personality. Meaning, he's not absolved from being a jerk because PTSD somehow possessed him like a flesh eating parasite. Nah, it's him alright.

The issue with this line of questioning is that it falls very close to asking: Can I excuse this behavior because of PTSD? If he's just a jerk, I wouldn't, but with PTSD in mind?

The simple answer is, no. Just because we know where the behavior comes from, doesn't make them less of a jerk (and/or abusive.)

That's the hard truth. The soft reality is, I put up with some not-so-cool behavior with my SO when he's symptomatic. Then again, he never crosses the line into name calling, physical abuse, ghosting, or the like. He toes the line ever so gracefully. Would I put up with this if he didn't have PTSD? I don't know...because there's always a reason for people to be a jerk and I can't say I wouldn't "understand" it and put up with him even if PTSD weren't a factor. But that's really case-to-case, as you say.

 

[Snowflakes]

@B.J. Good question. Mine sufferers from C-PTSD so when she is symptomatic, she really does act like a jerk. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. If I didn’t know the specific traumas in her past and if she didn’t have a PTSD diagnosis from a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I would have hit the road a long time ago. But the demons from her past are the jerks, not the core person she is.

It’s a tough call when someone comes here new and, with limited information, we try to help. I think most of the time we tend to call it right because the core belief is that PTSD is never an excuse to abuse another. As @Hojay says, we often put up with not-so-cool behavior because of our sufferers PTSD but even that will wear on anyone after a while.